Fix Me: A Phan High School AU
by dils.whisk
Summary: Dan is your stereotypical popular kid. Phil struggles with depression and lives in an abusive home. When Dan meets Phil, a new student at his school, he just assumes he's another kid for him to pick on. It's a bit more complicated than that. Will the two be able to help each other, or are some people too far gone to fix? TW:SELFHARM/SUICIDE/ABUSE/HOMOPHOBIA/DEPRESSION/CAR CRAS
1. Introduction

Hi! I'm writing this after i finished the story!

I am well aware that there are a few grammatical/spelling/plot errors in this fic, primarily in the earlier chapters. (I am editing it right now!) Seeing as this was my first chaptered fic, it played a major role in the development of my writing style, meaning the first chapter is a bit different than the last chapter. Regardless of its flaws, I'm still proud of this story and think i did a pretty good job.

Please note that this story contains graphic descriptions of things regarding suicide and self-harm. please don't read this story if you don't think you can handle it. If you'd like, I have some other, safer stories you can read.

Thanks for choosing this book, happy reading!


	2. UNDER EDITING

This story is currently under editing! While you can still read it, there may be some infrequency in the writing style. I apologize for the inconvenience, but I really want all my work to be as good as I can make it. I'm working hard to get this done, but it will probably take a while :)


	3. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey guys! So this is the first chaptered fanfic I have ever done!**

 **Please don't read this if you will be triggered by it, if you need clarification on what this story contains, message me :)**

 **Edit: So the plot at the beginning is kinda bad but I'm doing what I can to improve it without changing the story completely yikes**

 **PHIL'S POV**

I walked down the hall of my new school, keeping eyes to the ground and my fringe covering most of my face. I had decided that the best way to transfer would be quietly—only if I kept my head down and my mouth shut would I be able to blend in with the rest of the quiet kids and breeze through the next few years of my life with as few problems as possible.

My parents had gotten a messy divorce a little over a year ago, My mum ended up with the house and my dad and I moved from Manchester to London. I wasn't too distressed over the move, it's not like I had a lot of friends in our old community. If anything, this was a chance for me to start over. I could give myself a new reputation, make actual friends, maybe even meet a love interest. I let out a quiet snort of laughter, brushing aside my optimism. I knew very well this school would be just like this last.

I pulled my guide out of my pocket. It contained most of the information I needed for school: class periods, room numbers, my locker code and number, etc. My eyes scanned down the list until they landed on the locker information:

 _Locker: 211_

 _Combination: 13-7-4_

After several minutes of looking, I finally found number 211. It was rather battered and looked as if someone had drawn a dick on it, then someone else scribbled over it in sharpie. I opened the locker and began shoving my books in at random. I froze when I heard a gruff yell behind me.

"Hey, new kid!"

I turned around to see a group of several boys walking towards me. They all carried themselves with a cocky arrogance, their bags slung carelessly over their shoulders and a smug look on their faces.

"Erm... yeah?" I muttered nervously, trying to avoid making eye contact with any of them for too long.

"What's your name?" A boy with blonde hair and cold, grey eyes stepped forward. The remaining three boys stood behind him, muttering the occasional sentence to one another. I managed to hear the word "emo" and "queer" slipped in a few times.

"Phil," I muttered.

The blonde kid nodded, thoughtfully, malice shining in his eyes. "I'm Anthony. So are you like, depressed or something? You're wearing a lot of black."

"Shut up..." I glared, trying to push past him. I felt a hand grab my arm, and I was swung back against the locker.

"I'm not done talking to you, faggot," He sneered, looking down on me.

I glanced down at the tiny rainbow pin on my bag, wishing I hadn't been so careless about keeping it on. "What do you want?"

Anthony stepped forward, crossing his arms. "This school is filthy as it is, we don't need any more queers."

I stared at him in shock. The guys at my former school had been bad, but never this direct. I scanned across the smug faces looming in front of me, stopping at the end of the line. Lurking behind one of the bigger students was a skinny boy around my height. He didn't really seem to fit in with the group-his hair was styled differently, and he lacked the confidence his friends stood with. He met my gaze for a second, his eyes softening before he looked away with guilt.

"See? He's already bloody pinning after Howell!"

I felt my face heat up as the group laughed, elbowing the brunet teasingly. He shot them a dirty look then glared back at me.

"Filthy faggot!" Anthony spat. "My old man says all queers go to hell; it's where you belong ."

Despite hearing that hundreds of times before, I still felt the sting of his words. Perhaps it was because I believed them.

I balled my hand into a fist, trying to blink the tears out of my eyes. "Leave-leave me alone."

Anthony snickered, glancing back at his friends for approval before turning back to me. "You deserve this."

My eyes widened as he pulled back his fist and it came swinging towards me.

 **DAN'S POV**

I had two thoughts when I saw the new kid:

 _"Damn, he's hot."_ and " _Wait, that was gay."_

I have no idea where that came from. Obviously, I have found guys attractive before, but it wasn't in a gay way! It was just an observation that they were a good-looking person. But this time, I was transfixed. I'm straight, I _know_ I'm straight, but there was just something about him that really caught my attention. This threw me off guard for a moment, but I quickly regained my composure. Phil was just another creepy emo kid that probably listened to death metal to fall asleep.

The black-haired boy looked like he was trying to melt into his locker as he shrunk away from us. His eyes scanned the group until they met with mine. I felt a wave of guilt go through me.

"Drooling over Howell, huh?" Anthony spat, smirking. I stiffened and looked back at Phil, who was blushing slightly, averting his gaze to his shoes.

"Filthy faggot! My old man says all queers go to hell; it's where you belong." Anthony stepped forward pinning the new kid against the lockers.

"Leave-leave me alone..." Phil studdered anxiously.

"You deserve this."

I watched in a daze as Anthony reeled his hand back and hit Phil in the jaw.

I averted my gaze. I had never fully supported my friends' enjoyment of beating people up for fun. I hated it, actually. I told myself I didn't, and that it was better someone else than me, but it was starting to really eat at my conscience.

"Do you understand?" Anthony hit Phil again.

I could feel part of me screaming to go and help him, to stop all this, but I couldn't. I would become a social outcast. I'd get beaten up every day by the people that were once my friends and school would become more hellish than it already was... Was that what Phil went through at his old school? What he would go through again here?

"Oi, Anthony!" Tony, a rather stout boy who looked high regardless of whether or not he'd been smoking, shouted over the noise of passing students. "Why don't you give Dan a go, eh? He's the one Lester was going all gay on!"

I felt my stomach drop.

"Yea, c'mon Howell! Have a go!"

"I- I don't feel like it today..." I muttered, rubbing the back of my neck.

Anthony turned his attention from Phil to me, stepping forward and grabbing my shoulder.

"It wasn't a question, Dan." Anthony had a small smile on his face, but his eyes were dark. He knew he had power over me, and he also knew how much that scared me.

Swallowing, I nodded. I walked over towards Phil, who had sunk down to the floor.

He wiped a trail of blood away from his nose, looking up at me through watery eyes. "Please, don't."

"I..." I opened my mouth to say something, but no words came out. A gathering crowd of students was all cheering me on, hoping to spice up their day with a fight.

"Do it!"

"C'mon, man!"

"No..." I couldn't hear him, but I saw his lips move as he backed into the wall, unable to run.

I swallowed my empathy, staying focused on what would happen to _me_ if I didn't do this. "I'm sorry," I mouthed, knowing very well it would do nothing to lessen the blow.

Phil's expression darkened as he realized what was coming next. I swung my foot back and kicked him in the stomach.

 **A/N: *le gasp* CLIFFHANGER! Don't worry though, the story will probably be up either tomorrow or maybe even later today! :D**

 **Edit: why did I say that? Was the "le gasp" really necessary? Really?**


	4. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

 **I'm back!**

 **And MERRY CHRISTMAS!**

 **Sorry about the cliffhanger, won't happen again…**

 **It pains me to write my precious son Dan like this, all mean and rude, HES SO NICE IRL**

 **It also hurts to write about them getting hurt. I LOVE THEM BOTH AND MAKING THEM GO THROUGH THIS IS JUST EXCRUSIATING!**

 **Phil's POV**

"I'm sorry." Dan whispered, soft enough that only I could hear.

I cast a glance of hatred at him before his fist connected with my jaw.

I crumpled bock against the locker, slumping to the floor once again. The throbbing pain in my jaw was unbearable. I could hear the jeers of the small crowd echoing through my head. The kid I believed to be Anthony cheered and yelled,

"Kick him!"

I curled in on myself, bracing for the blow. I waited and waited, but it didn't come.

I then noticed that the crowed seemed to be quieting down until only two voices could be heard: Dan and Anthony's

"I said kick him!" Anthony spat out the command again.

"I said no!" I was shocked to hear Dan's voice, loud and confident

" _Excuse me?_ " The chav's ringleader seemed appalled at the thought that some one could ever rebel against him.

"We- we don't even have a legit reason to beat him up!" I could see the nervousness laced into Dan's expression.

He let out a gasp as Anthony grabbed his shirtfront and pinned him against the locker, or I at least assume that's what happened, I didn't have the best view of the scene, seeing as I was still on the ground.

"What the hell has gotten into you Dan?!" Anthony's tone suggested he currently thought Dan was making as much sense as an old drunk.

"He's just another loser you are better than! He's no better than Terry or Chris!"

Dan's face looked calm, but I could see the fear in his eyes; the same fear I saw in my eyes every morning when I looked in the mirror.

"You know what? I think you're just a bloody faggot like Lester!" The group behind him rippled with murmurs of agreement.

"I'm straight, I'm not-" He was cut off halfway through his sentence.

"Are you really?" Anthony questioned, clearly enjoying his power. Dan nodded franticly in answer to the larger boy's question. I managed to scoot away so I was sitting up, and could clearly see what was happening; I saw that Dan was indeed pressed up against the locker, Anthony gripping his collar firmly.

"Then prove you aren't queer like him and beat him up!" Anthony swung Dan over towards me, where he stumbled slightly before standing up straight, towering over me.

I stared up at him, a blank look on my face, I didn't know what to expect. I could tell he didn't really want to hurt me, but it seemed like he didn't want to hurt his reputation even more. Dan looked at Anthony, who had a smug smile on his face. The blonde boy gave a slow nod; Dan turned around towards me took a quick glance at my cowering form, and kicked me in the stomach. Hard.

I groaned and curled in on my self as I felt a hand grab me by my arm and pull me up, shoving me into a wall. I looked up, meeting his eyes, which were watering slightly.

"Don't tell me _you're_ the one on the verge of crying." I hissed, feeling the trail of already tears running down my face. Dan looked shocked as he glanced down at his hand, which was firmly gripping my arm now, and loosened his grip. He stepped back and turned around, shoving people to the side. I watched as he sprinted away from the group, oblivious to the ringing bell, signaling first period. I slid down the wall, letting out a shaky breath I didn't know I had been holding in as the crowed slowly cleared out; everyone heading to class. Anthony and his friends walked past me, giving me a few more kicks and muttering things like "Emo" or "Faggot" After the hall had cleared, everyone clearly too unconcerned to help the bleeding new kid on the floor. After a few minutes I slowly pulled myself up, wincing in pain with every movement. I'm still not sure how, but I managed to pick myself up and make my way to the bathroom.

First period could wait.

I stumbled over to the sink where I broke down in silent sobs.

 _I was just so damn sick of it._

 _Every school I went to, it was always the same_.

 _Why couldn't I just die already?_

I pulled a cheap paper towel out of the dispenser and wet it, gently dabbing at the cut on my lip. I froze when I heard a toilet flush and a stall door unlock.

And of course knowing my luck, it was the one person I _didn't_ want to see most:

Dan Howell.

 **DAN'S POV**

As much as I wanted to stay in the bathroom cubicle forever, I knew I had to go to class. I just felt _so bloody awful_. Phil didn't deserve that, and I was too much of a damn wuss to actually do anything. I mean, did I _really_ try all that hard to defend Phil? I flushed the toilet and stepped out of the stall, still deep in thought, but my mid was wiped blank when I looked up to see a pair of icy blue eyes staring at me.

"Phil…" I whispered, starting to walk forward.

Phil threw the paper towel he was holding in the bin and turned, starting to walk out of the bathroom.

"Phil, wait! Please!" I reached forward and grabbed his arm, causing him to hiss in pain and recoil away from me. I gave him a confused look, _I didn't remember him getting hurt there…_ I yanked my hand back anyway and looked down at my feet shamefully.

"Phil, I'm sorry. I'm _so, so sorry._ " I looked back up at the black haired boy, who was staring me down with a look of upmost hatred.

"You think that will fix it?" Phil's voice was low and shaky; a telltale sign he had been crying.

"I..." I tried to think of something to say, knowing Phil was right.

"Well?!"

"No Phil, I know it won't fix it." I mumbled weakly. "What I did what horrible-"

"Damn right it was." Phil spat, leaning against the wall. I sighed sadly and continued,

"-and I hate myself for doing it, I guess I'm just to big of a wuss to stand up to anyone."

Phil said nothing, staring at the ground with an expressionless face. After a moment of terrifying silence, he finally spoke.

"Is that why you do it?" He asked quietly. I felt my knees as he looked up, meeting my gaze.

"D-do what?" I mentally slapped myself for faltering. _Why does he make me feel this way? I mean sure he's pretty hot…pretty attractive, but I'm straight for Christ's sake!_

"Bully people, is this one of those cliché cases where the bully acts the way they do because it makes them feel powerful?" Phil didn't seem too angry anymore… maybe I had a chance at earning hi forgiveness? Or at least some form of it.

"Yea, that's me…" I let out a light chuckle, trying to earn some sort of smile from him. Phil didn't smile, but nodded thoughtfully.

"Um, Phil, do you think- do you think you could ever forgive me?" I asked nervously, wringing my hands.

Phil shrugged, "I believe you are sorry and acted out of fear, but I still don't forgive you completely."

I nodded understandingly. "Of course! I'm really, _really_ sorry, and I don't really expect you to ever forgive me… It's fine"

Phil shook his head, "I might forgive you one day, just not quite yet." I looked up in astonishment to see him giving me a small smile, causing me to beam and blush slightly, he looked really cute when he was smiling.

"I think I might just skip school today.." Phil muttered, looking at the time on his phone. "I'd get home before mum anyway."

I nodded. "I should probably stay, if mum finds out I skipped again she'll skin me alive." I say, smiling grimly.

We begin to walk out of the bathroom, but are stopped by a voice behind us.

"Boys!" Mr. Larson, our principal calls out, causing us to both spin around.

"Why aren't you in class?" Mrs. Bake's roll call marks you both as being absent!"

"Dammit." I whispered, trying to quickly think of an excuse.

"Sir, it wasn't Phil's fault, he asked me for help finding his class, and I- I um, thought it would be funny to give him the wrong room address, and-"

Mr. Larson held up his hand, hushing me. "I'm sorry Mr. Howell, but rules are rules and I will have to ask both of you to stay after school today for detention, and Dan, since it was your fault, you will be staying tomorrow too.

"But Sir!" I feel horrible, this was the second time today I had gotten Phil in some form of trouble.

"No buts. Now, get to class, the both of you, or I'll make it double!"

"Yes sir." We both mumbled in unison, sulking off to first period.

"Sorry." I muttered, as soon as we separated from the teacher.

"Why did you take all the blame?" Phil asked, dismissing my apology.

I shrugged. "Well it was my fault, I deserve some kind of penalty."

He nodded, "Thanks I guess."

I stopped walking and looked up at him. "Thanks? Phil, it was my bloody fault in the first place."

"Yea, I know, but most people would have made a lie up that made it sound like it wasn't completely their fault." Phil explained to me before continuing to walk down the hall. I felt a pang of guilt when I noticed he was limping slightly. I attempted to push the feeling aside as I followed Phil to class.

It would be a long day.

 **IM SORRY THAT KINDA SUCKED\**

 **Uhg, that was so sappy and cliché. HOPEFULLY you guys liked it. I will update again soon. X**

 **-Olivia**


	5. Chapter 3

**A/N: I'm actually kinda happy w/ this chapter after editing**

 **PHIL'S POV**

I sulked around the rest of the day, keeping my head low and trying to make it through all my lessons. The classes here were about the same as they had been at my old school—really, really boring.

I did take relief in that Anthony decided to skip school halfway through History. I quickly realized that his group of friends were harmless without him. They called me names in the hall several times but did nothing to get in my way. Dan followed reluctantly behind them, casting me an apologetic glance when they said something particularly rude. I tried to avoid him most of the day, but that proved to be difficult since I sat next to him in four classes.

Fatigue washed over me as the last bell of the day interrupted my thoughts, its angry ringing like a mocking laugh. Most students long for the end of the day to come; I had been dreading it. It was my first day at a new school and I already had detention for the dumbest reason ever. I was also less than pleased that I'd be spending this hour of extended school time with Dan. I still wasn't sure how to feel about him; he had been a complete dick to me this morning when he was with his friends but was so nice when it was just us. I wasn't sure which character was real. Though, if he was a genuinely horrible person, then why would he try and fake it by acting nice to me? It wasn't like he had any of his friends to impress.

"Maybe he likes you" The typical assumption popped into my head, but I quickly shut it down. "He's straight, dammit, not every hot boy you meet falls madly in love with you. He's probably hated what his friends do for a long time and just finally decided to do something about it."

I slammed my locker shut, hurrying down the hall to detention.

...

I stepped into the empty room, looking around. Much like a prison, this room looked bleaker than the other ones I had been in. The walls were a dirty white color and no effort had been made to cover them with posters.

"Take a seat."

I jumped at the voice, turning to see an ancient-looking woman at the desk. She looked very displeased to be here, but it could just be the wrinkles from years of frowning.

I took a desk in the back of the room, pulling out a book. It was only a minute later when the professor spoke again.

"Take a seat, Howell."

I looked up, immediately making eye-contact with Dan. For a moment I almost considered motioning for him to sit next to me, and maybe I would have, but the throbbing pain in my side begged me to do otherwise.

Dan averted his gaze, taking a seat on the other side of the room.

I don't hate the guy, but I don't really like him either. I was only trying to be nice to him because I thought—I hoped—that maybe he wasn't as shitty of a person as he acted around his friends. That, and I found him to be kinda hot. In my defense, how could you not? He looked like a model. His skin was tan and absent of blemishes, just as perfect as his dark brown hair. His eyes shone when he laughed (even with malice) and dimples poked shallow holes in his cheeks. Even if he was a bit of a prick, he was gorgeous.

I glanced down at myself, suddenly feeling self-conscious. Already pale, my dark hair only made my skin look lighter. I would stop dying it but I felt it was the only color I had ever gotten to suit me. The constant bags under my eyes on top of my scrawny frame just made me look unhealthy. While Dan looked extremely hot with his sleeves rolled up, I would just look like a suicidal mess—long sleeves were the only thing protecting the many scars traced up and down my wrists from the condemnatory views of others.

I shook my head, pulling my homework out of my bag. I was going to be in here for an hour, I should get something done instead of moping about my self-induced problems.

…

I managed to finish my algebra homework in about thirty minutes. I spent the rest of the period lost in thought, occasionally glancing at Dan, then looking away quickly when he noticed.

When we were finally dismissed at 4:00, we both practically sprinted out of the classroom. I made sure to linger behind the other boy, doing my best to avoid conversation.

The door swung open and hit the wall with a thud, followed directly by Dan swearing.

I stepped out behind him, following his gaze to the cloudy sky.

I hesitated for a moment, wondering if being nice was really worth it. Sighing deeply, I turned to him. "Um, Dan, do you need a ride? I have a car."

Dan looked at me in shock, his brows furrowing. "Why are you nice to me? I'm an asshole."

I shrugged, the corner of my mouth turning up. "You're an asshole but you're not a bad person."

Dan gave me a crooked smile, glancing back at the sky. "Thanks for the offer, but I don't want to bother you with that after everything else today.

"Are you sure?" I couldn't help but feel a hint of disappointment, I felt like I might be getting somewhere with him.

"Yeah, but thanks anyway."

"Okay. Well, um, see you tomorrow, I guess." I waved, turning to walk to my car.

"See you."

…

The downpour began only minutes after I left the parking lot. I flipped a switch, turning on my windshield wipers and began to head home. As I stopped at a red light, I glanced in my mirror. Dan was trudging through the rain, holding his bookbag above himself like an umbrella. I watched as he got closer, the annoyance clear on his face. I sighed, running a hand through my hair. After today, walking home in the rain seemed like fair karma for him; however, my conscience got the better of me and I rolled down my window. "You sure you don't need a ride?" I called out as Dan walked past.

Dan glanced at the dark sky then back to me. "I-I guess so…"

I leaned over and opened the door for him, grateful there wasn't any traffic. Dan shoved his bag in the backseat and climbed in next to me.

"Thanks," He muttered, giving me a small smile.

I nodded mutely, beginning to drive.

Dan glanced at his reflection in the car mirror and groaned, running a hand through his wet hair, which I noticed was curling at the end. "Now I have to deal with this mess the rest of the day..." He muttered, pulling at the dark strands of his hair as if he was trying to straighten it.

"I think you look nice," I thought, my eyes widening when I realized I'd said it aloud.

"Oh." Dan averted his gaze, but I could have sworn I saw a trace of pink in his cheeks.

"Sorry," I muttered. "That came out wrong."

"No, it's fine, I just didn't expect, um…" the brunet trailed off.

We were quiet for a few minutes, the awkwardness in the car so thick I felt I might choke. I was just about to spit out a feeble attempt at a conversation when Dan gasped softly, finally turning to look at me. "You don't know where I live!"

 **DAN'S POV**

After I explained how to get to my house, we fell into more uncomfortable silence and weak conversation. I'm sure Phil was just as grateful as I was when we pulled into my driveway.

"Thanks again for the ride." I stepped out of the car, slinging my bag over my shoulder. The rain had lightened, but there was still a light drizzle.

Phil shrugged, "Don't mention it."

"Okay. Um...I-I guess I'll see you tomorrow?"

Phil nodded, giving me a crooked smile. "Yeah, see ya."

…

Once I got in the house I let out a loud sigh throwing my damp bag down onto the ground and leaning against the door.

Why the hell did Phil make me feel so nervous? It wasn't like he was way cooler than me or anything, and he didn't seem to pose much of a threat, so why does the thought of spending time with him intimidate me? A simple answer clawed at the back of my mind, and I quickly dismissed it. No, there was no way I was gay. I've been with plenty of girls before and had enjoyed it. Besides, homosexuality is disgusting. There's no way I could do that. I'm straight.

 **A/N: Idk how I feel about this chapter, I think it was alright but idk**

 **THINGS WILL START GETTING INTERESTING SOON**


	6. Chapter 4ish (Filler)

**_THIS SUCKS AND IS REALLY LATE IM SO SORRY._**

 **I have just had bad writers block and just haven't felt motivated to write. Hopefully a longer, better chapter will be up soon.**

 **MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING RIGHT HERE**

 **Phil's POV**

I groaned as the loud, electronic beeping of my alarm clock ripped through the quiet morning air. Slamming my hand down on the off button, I unwillingly kicked off my duvet and stood up, stretching. My brain was groggily telling me to crawl back under the warm covers, but I knew if I did that I would fall back asleep instantly.

I began my usual morning routine, starting with a shower.

Walking to the bathroom, I unwillingly pulled off my pajama pants and my boxers, flinching as the chilly air brushed against my exposed skin. After the water warmed up to a comfortable temperature, I stepped into the shower.

I stood still for a while, just thinking and enjoying the feeling of the warm drops of water running down my back. My mind slowly began drifting towards school, and all of the horrible things that could go wrong today.

 _"What if Anthony and his friends decide to do something again, will Dan stop them or was that whole act of kindness a facade?"_ I wondered, rinsing the soap out of my hair.

My thoughts drifted from one thing to another, until I finally turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, flinching at the sudden coldness. I wrapped a towel around my waist and started walking back towards my bedroom, only to be stopped when I glanced in the mirror, grimacing at my reflection.

I hated what I saw; I was pale and lanky, but somehow still had a visible muffin-top. Scars littered my arms from my wrists to my elbows, some deep, others lighter. There were a few scattered on my thighs and stomach as well.

My family didn't know I cut. I doubted they would care, either.

My mum wasn't a horrible person, but I've barely seen her since she started her new job. She's on business trips a lot. That's what she tells us, at least. The unfamiliar cologne on her jacket tells a different story, though I've chosen not to ask. It would only make things worse with my father.

He hadn't always been the way he is, he used to be a kind, loving person. Then his sister died, and he turned to alcohol. Though the drug helped numb his grief, it intensified his anger immensely. He mostly does a lot of yelling, but there're times when he's gotten violent as well. Things have gotten worse since I came out as bisexual.

I don't know what I expected to gain from telling them, I should have just kept my mouth shut. My Mum just muttered something along the lines of "That's nice honey…" and continued looking at her paperwork. My dad said nothing, giving me an incomprehensible glance. I found out what it meant later that night.

As soon as My mum pulled out of the driveway, he grabbed me by my arm and flung me into the wall, yelling at me about how I was "a disgrace to his family" and that I "didn't deserve to be his son".

He swung his beer bottle at me as I ran, barely hitting me on the head. It didn't shatter like it does in the movies—the glass was thick, almost plastic-like.

I could still hear his insults as I slammed my bedroom door behind me, collapsing against it. Out of habit, I reached blindly reaching for a razor.

I think that night was the closest I have ever come to dying. I felt like, no matter how hard I pressed down, nothing was enough to block out his slurred yelling. I eventually came to my senses and stopped, wrapping my arms in bandages before the bleeding became too severe. I still wonder what would have happened if I kept going. Would I have died? Would my hung-over father have come upstairs to find his son lying in a pool of his own blood?

I managed to tear my gaze away from the mirror, sulking back into my bedroom.

The house was quiet, so I could only assume my father was passed out in his room and Mum was still on one of her work trips. She had been gone longer than usual this time, I noticed.

I quickly got dressed, not bothering to do anything with my hair, and hurried downstairs. I had gotten in trouble for being late once already, and I had no intentions of it happening again.

 **A/N: Once again I'm sorry this really sucks and is so late, I'll try to update soon. X**

 **Remember, please inform me of any typos. 3**


	7. Chapter 4

**A/N: HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY**

 **THANK YOU MUCH FOR OVER 100 READS! I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!**

 **DAN'S POV**

I blinked groggily, squinting into the morning light. Was it always this bright in the morning? I sat up, looking around my room. No, it definitely shouldn't be this bright. My head whipped around, my gaze landing on my alarm clock.

9:43

" _Fuck_!" I rolled out of bed, kicking off my duvet. How the hell did I sleep so late? I was supposed to be at school an hour and a half ago. And where was my mom, shouldn't she have woken me up?

Grumbling to myself, I grabbed a dirty pair of jeans off the floor, not bothering to change out of the Pink Floyd shirt I had slept in. I hobbled into the bathroom, struggling to pull my pants up. I caught a glimpse of myself as I grabbed my toothbrush and swore loudly. My hair was still curly from yesterday; there was no way I'd have time to straighten it.

Settling for second best, I grabbed an old grey beanie from the bottom of my closet.

I nearly fell down the stairs as I hurried into the kitchen, grabbing a granola bar out of the pantry. Scooping up my bag, I was about to leave when a white piece of paper on the table caught my attention. I shoved the granola in my back pocket and grabbed the note.

" _Dan,_

 _emergency at work, had to go in early. Have a good day at school,_

 _-Mom xoxo"_

I groaned, crumpling up the note and throwing it on the ground. I had obviously missed my bus, and I didn't have a car, so it looked like the only option I had left was to sprint the mile to school and hope to make it there as quickly as possible. This would be difficult as I have the stamina **(or should I say damina)** of a roly-poly; but nonetheless, I found myself jogging uncomfortably down the pavement towards school.

…

Roughly half an hour later, I found myself at the entrance of Mr. Allen's classroom (of course I made it just in time for maths, my least favorite subject).

I hesitated; being late would mean everyone would turn to look at me until I sat down. No one here had seen me with curly hair before, and I was certain someone would say something, I just hoped it wouldn't be in front of the whole class. 

Taking a deep breath, I pushed my worries aside and stepped into class. Pretending I wasn't bothered by the twenty-something pairs of eyes on me, I shuffled toward my desk, dropping my bag on the ground and taking a seat. I could feel Phil's gaze on me, but I resisted the urge to look.

"Daniel, you're late." Mr. Allen pointed out, his usual deadpan expression flattening his mouth into a thin line.

"Brilliant observation, sir," I retorted. Anthony and a few other kids snickered.

Mr. Allen pursed his lips. "Watch your tone," He replied sternly, turning on his heel to walk back to his desk. I gave a dramatic eye roll to his comment, causing another round of laughter to break out in the class.

The smile fell from my lips as I glanced over at Phil. He had a large stain on his shirt, some sort of fruit preservative, I guessed, much like the ones the school served at breakfast. I glanced at Anthony, who just smirked, then stared back down at my paper.

There would come a time when I would have to choose between keeping my current life or standing up to Anthony. I wanted things to stay the way they were, but the safe space I had made for myself was beginning to crumble, and Phil wasn't helping. How was I supposed to leave things as they were when he kept making me feel like everything my friends did was my responsibility? It's not my fault they're assholes.

I cast another glance at Phil, watching as he looked down with annoyance and peeled the sticky material of his shirt away from his stomach.

 **PHIL'S POV**

I cast a glance at Dan, quickly looking away. Who the hell does he think he is? Swaggering into class twenty-minutes late, acting like he owns the place. His hair is tucked into a beanie, but I can see a few curly strands falling out. The look frames his face well, it makes him look softer, almost. I shake the thought from my head, flicking a piece of mango off my pants.

I had made a mistake in getting to school earlier today. I was in front of Anthony in the breakfast line this morning. After a couple of days of them not bothering me, I thought that maybe they had gotten bored or just didn't think it was worth it. Clearly, this wasn't the case. He and his friends pestered me the entire time I was in line. It was a bunch of the usual insults, and I did my best to ignore them, but I finally snapped when one of them made a comment about how I "wanted to suck their dick." I quickly replied, "if I wanted a tic-tac, I would just get them from the store." As much as I hated being covered in fruit juice, it was worth it to see the look on their faces.

When the bell finally rang, I grabbed my bag and slung it over my shoulder, frantic to leave without having to talk to Dan. I had noticed him trying to catch my gaze on several occasions, but I chose to ignore it.

I was still so uncertain about him. I didn't want to make him believe I liked him when, really, I just tolerated him more than everyone else I had met, but I also didn't want to completely shut him out. I just felt like he might be a better guy than he was letting on.

As I hurried down the hall, I could hear my name being called in a whisper-yell.

"Phil! Oh for fuck's sake— _Phil_!" I felt a hand on my arm and was spun around, my gaze locking with a pair of brown eyes. "Follow me." Without waiting for a response, Dan dragged me into the nearest bathroom, pulling me out of the crowd.

After checking all the stalls and glancing out the door, he turned around. "What happened?" He motioned to my shirt.

I laughed dryly. "What do you think happened?"

Dan averted his gaze, looking uncomfortable. "Anthony?"

I sighed and reached down, trying to pick up my bag, but was stopped when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Phil, I'm sorry that they're bothering you, but it's not my fault."

I gave him a questioning glance. "What?"

"Any time something happens with them, I feel like you get mad at me specifically. But I'm nicer to you than they are, so I don't know why." Dan looked troubled.

I stared at him for a second, then shook my head. "It doesn't matter that you're less of a dick than they are, Dan." I slung my bag over my shoulder, making my way to the bathroom door. "The problem is that you're doing nothing to stop them."

 **DAN'S POV (again…)**

I sulked into my English class, Phil's words still ringing in my head. He had a point, it just wasn't a point I wanted to hear.

I threw my bags down and slid into my usual seat next to Anthony.

"Sleep in late this morning?" he snickered, flicking an empty gum wrapper at me. Under the usual circumstances, I would have cracked a witty joke, but I was in no mood today.

"Yeah," I muttered flatly, not looking up.

"Not very talkative today, eh Howell?" It was obvious he knew I was in a bad mood already.

"Nope."

He snickered, reaching out and flicking one of my curls. "What's up with your hair?"

"Some people have naturally curly hair, Anthony."

"I don't know what's gayer: that your hair looks like _this_ ," he yanked my beanie off my head, "all the time, or that you have to straighten it every day."

"Shut up!" I grumbled, snatching my hat back. "Straightening your hair doesn't make you gay, neither does having curly hair."

Anthony just laughed. "Speaking of being gay, it's too bad you were late today, we had some fun messing with Lester." He smirked, lazily twirling his pencil between his fingers.

I clenched my fist under my desk. Was he always this big of a dick? "Yeah, too bad." I gave him a quick, plastic smile, looking back at my assignment.

"Don't worry though, there's more to come," Anthony grinned smugly, oblivious to my annoyance.

I closed my eyes and let out a shaky breath, still staring down at my paper. It looked like I'd be choosing sides a lot sooner than I thought.

 **A/N: OK! So I hoped you liked it, (even though it kinda sucked :/ ) once again I'm so, so sorry it was late! 3**

 **Comment what you think will happen next and please vote and tell me of any spelling/grammar**

 **mistakes!**


	8. Chapter 5

**A/N: IM SO SORRY FOR BEING SO LATE I PROMISE THIS WONT BECOME A PATTERN! I HAVE JUST HAD A LOT OF SCHOOL WORK AND THEN I GOT SICK AND UHG.**

 **So I was really conflicted on how this was going to play out, like I don't want things to move too quickly, but at the same time I don't want to have the same things happen over and over so idk**

 **PHIL'S POV**

I could feel myself slowly drifting off into the endless void of dreams as my teacher droned on and on. My eyes were just beginning to flutter closed when the shrill sound of the ringing school bell caused me to jump and nearly stab my eye with my pencil. **(Personal experience…)** Groaning, I grabbed my bag and slung it over my shoulder, dismissing whatever the teacher was telling us. It was something about a pop quiz on Thursday I believe…

Making sure to keep my head down, I shuffled through the hallway full of teenagers.

I had free period next, which meant an hour of sitting by myself in the library. The library had been the first thing I had looked for when I got here.

I had always enjoyed reading; it allows you to go to another world, made only of ink and imagination. Books had become my way to escape from school when razors were unavailable to me. Whenever I felt the tendrils of depressions beginning to crawl into my mind, I would simply pull out a book and begin reading. But this was only a temporary fix. Eventually the horrible thoughts would break through their paper dam, and then nothing could stop them from drowning me in a wave of self-hatred and depression.

Lost in my thoughts, I remained oblivious to the person in front of me. Until I walked straight into them at least. Their bag fell to the ground, sending pencils and pens across the floor.

"Oh gosh, I'm so sorry! I wasn't-" My words were cut short as the students foot collided with my stomach, sending me sprawling backwards.

Groaning, I looked up at the figure guardedly, already knowing who it would be.

"You should watch where you're going faggot." Anthony spat, smirking down at me. His two chav cronies, Tony and Sam, stood behind him. I looked around, praying there would be a teacher I could draw the attention of, but the hall was nearly empty, and I didn't think I could count on any of the remaining students to help me.

"Looking for your little boy toy, you masochist?" Sam, the tall, lanky, brunet spat out.

"I'm not a bloody masochist." I muttered quietly, trying to sit up. **)I hope I didn't offend anyone by that, it wasn't meant to be offensive to you all, Anthony is just a jerk)**

"Well that's too bad," Anthony stepped forward, bending down so he was level with me. "Because if you were, you would love this."

I curled in on myself, bracing for the impact, but Anthony's fist never made it to me.

"Oi! Teachers coming!" I heard a yell echo down the hallway. I cracked one eye open to see who the voice belonged to.

 _Dan_

"Bloody hell…" Anthony trailed off as he grabbed his bag, slinging it over his shoulder. "You got lucky faggot." He spat, hatred burning in his eyes.

I nodded fearfully as he turned and jogged down the hall, his two 'friends' right behind him.

As soon as they were out of sight, I let out a breath I was unaware I had been holding.

"You ok?"

Dan stood above me; an awkward smile on his face and his hand extended for me to take. I glanced at him hesitantly. I had been trying to distance myself from Dan, but I somehow ended up running into him everywhere.

"Yeah, fine." I muttered, accepting his offer allowing him to help me up. I tried to step away, but Dan still had a firm grip on both my hands.

"Erm, Dan?"

"Yeah?"

"You can let go now."

Dan, yanked his hands away, blushing crimson. "Sorry…"

We stood in a rather awkward moment of silence before I finally spoke.

"You-you um, might want to go catch up with your friends." I muttered, nodding in the direction they had run off in.

"Oh…" Dan said glumly.

I raised an eyebrow questioningly. "Something wrong?"

"No, it's just I…." he trailed off, looking quite embarrassed.

"Yes?"

"I was-I was wondering if maybe, maybe I could hang out with you?" Dan admitted hesitantly.

I shrugged, trying to pretend my heart wasn't beating a million miles per hour.

"Sure, if you enjoy sitting in the library for an hour."

I let out a faint laugh as Dan nodded enthusiastically, and we began to walk down the hall.

 **DAN'S POV**

The walk to the library had been, for the most part, quiet.

Occasionally one of us would make a comment about a teacher we didn't like or a homework assignment we had, but the conversation never stuck. I couldn't help but sneak the occasional glance at Phil when I was thought he wasn't looking. Not long enough to be an obvious stare, but long enough to admire the way his fringe just brushed the top of his cheekbones, or the way the sunlight shining through windows made his eyes shine a bright blue color-

"See something you like?" He asked shyly, a smile playing on my face.

 _'Crap, was my staring really that obvious?'_

I fixed my gaze on the ground, praying my cheeks weren't as red as I suspected them to be.

"S-sorry, I was just, just lost in thought." I muttered quietly.

"Relax! I was just kidding!" He laughed, nudging my shoulder gently.

"Yeah, of course!" I said lightly, trying to mask the embarrassment in my tone.

Moments later we had made it to the library. I had only just walked in when I heard a loud, strict voice call my name.

"Howell! "

"Dammit…" I turned around to see a very angry librarian striding towards us.

"I thought I told you, you are no longer allowed to come to the library during free period!" Our old librarian, Mrs. Loweden, scolded.

"I know Ma'am, I was just-"

"He's with me Miss." Phil interrupted. "I'm tutoring him in science and we were looking for a quiet place to study. Do you think we could stay in here? I promise we won't cause trouble."

I expected Mrs. Loweden to dismiss Phil's statement and tell us to leave, so it was quite a shock for me when she smiled warmly instead.

"Oh alright Phillip, but you keep an eye on that boy!" She laughed, walking back to her desk.

I looked at Phil in amazement as we found a table and sat down. "How the hell did you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Talk to her! She hates everybody!"

Phil laughed, pulling a book out of his bag. "She's good friends with my Gran." He said simply.

I nodded, slipping into a chair next to him.

"Say, what did you do to get banned from the library anyway?" Phil asked curiously.

I felt a smirk crawl onto my face as I recalled the event.

"Anthony, Sam, and I snuck a few porn magazines into the 'educational learning' section."

"No way! That was you?! I should have known!" Phil laughed.

"You should have seen the look on the headmaster's face!" I exclaimed.

We burst into a quiet fit of laughter, trying to keep out voices down out of the fear that Mrs. Loweden would come yell at us, or me rather.

After our laughing died down, we both began reading own books, mine being _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix._

About twenty minutes later, I was just starting to really get into the story when Phil started giggling quietly, interrupting my train of thought

"What's so funny?" I asked, suddenly self-conscious that he was laughing at me.

"Here, just read this paragraph!" He grinned; scooting over pointing to a section of his book.

I tried to read it quickly, but it was hard to concentrate when I could feel Phil's breath lightly grazing the side of my neck.

 _ **Grover was sniffing the wind, looking nervous. He fished out his acorns and threw them into the sand, then played his pipes. They rearranged themselves in a pattern that made no sense to me, but Grover looked concerned.**_

 _ **"That's us," he said. "Those five nuts right there."**_

 _ **"Which one is me?" I asked.**_

 _ **"The little deformed one," Zoe suggested.**_

 _ **"Oh, shut up."**_

 **(A/N: Line from Percy Jackson and the Titan's Curse)**

 **I laughed quietly, and was about to make a comment when I turned and realized Phil and I were mere inches away from each other. Surprisingly neither of us moved away, we both just sat there, staring into the other's eyes. I couldn't help but allow my gaze to flicker down to Phil's lips.**

 _ **They just looked so soft and kissable…**_

 **I found myself leaning in ever so slightly when the loud ringing of the school bell echoed through the library, snapping me out of my daze and causing me to jerk away. Phil looked back down at his book, his face turning pink. Mine was undoubtedly doing the same.**

 **"** **My class is on the other side of the school; I-I should probably hurry." I blurted out stupidly.**

 **"** **Yeah, you um, you don't want to be late." Phil muttered, shoving his book back into his book bag.**

 **"** **I'll see you around I guess."**

 **"** **Yeah, see ya."**

 **I quickly turned on my heel and walked towards the door.**

 _ **Did I just almost**_ _ **kiss**_ _ **Phil?! What the hell had I done?! He wasn't even able to look me in the eye; he probably hates me now! Why did I want to kiss him anyways? I'm not gay! I have dated tons of girls before! Maybe I'm bi..**_

 **Hundreds of different statements and questions spun around in my head, but one of them silenced all the rest.**

 _ **Maybe I love Phil Lester.**_

 **A/N: So that was it! I feel like I have a weird writing style, like one paragraph will be really good and descriptive and the next one will suck. It's like my writing randomly hits puberty. Once again, I am so so so so sorry this is late! I was just really busy! Also, Sam may or may not be based on a youtuber. Y'all know who I'm taking about. Please comment and vote down below!**


	9. Chapter 6

**A/N: Hi guys! So first off I want to thank you all so much for all the reads I have been getting!**

 **Also, I'd really appreciate it if you checked out my bio and followed me on some of my other accounts!**

 **I feel like I'm going to try and focus on more of Dan being the kinda popular fboy in this chapter, I don't think I established it well enough in the past.**

 **Phil's POV**

I dropped my lunch tray on the lunch table carelessly, unsurprised when the two girls at the other side of the table gave me a disgusted look and moved away. I wasn't sad, just tired, tired of all of it. Maybe I would be better off dead. I already had the rope…

I was snapped out of my thoughts when a high pitched giggle sounded from a few tabled over. I turned to the source of the noise. A certain brown haired boy was sitting at table with his ' _friends'_ and several other girls, who were practically drooling over him.

It was only safe to assume I was practically glowing green as one of the girls, Jessica, snaked her arm around his waist, leaning her head on his shoulder

 _What the hell is he doing?! One minute he is about to kiss me and the next he has the school sluts all over him!_

I rather aggressively stabbed my fork into my potato bowl as he reached over to the blonde and bopped her lightly on the nose, causing her to giggle. Grinning, Jessica grabbed Dan's hand and dragged him into the hallway, out of my view.

Hate couldn't even begin to describe how I felt about her right now.

Deciding I had lost my appetite, I got up to go throw away my tray.

"Hey faggot!" Lucas, a sandy-haired boy walked up to me, a sly grin plastered on his face.

Trying to ignore him, I continued walking.

"Hey fag, I'm talking to you!" He yelled, stepping forward and grabbing my shirt collar and slamming me into the table.

I let out a grunt of pain as the corner collided with my side.

" _What the hell do you want?_ " I hissed, tears clouding my vision.

"I _want_ you to go kill yourself, you worthless piece of trash!" He grabbed my tray and flipped it, spilling its contents all over me.

I could feel tears stinging my eyes as the cafeteria burst into laughter, echoing around my head.

Standing up unsteadily, I shoved my way out of the crowd of jeering students into the hall., ignoring the cruel insults they flung at me.

It might seem like the worst is over, but this is me we're talking about.

I made it into the hall just in time to see Dan and Jessica stumble out of a supply closet, both with messy hair and grins plastered to their face.

Jessica noticed me first, the disgust obvious in her face.

Then Dan saw me.

I watched the smug smirk fall off his face as his gaze drifted down my food-stained clothes, then back up to meet my eyes.

"Phil-"

"Can we help you _faggot_?" Jessica spat, cutting off Dan.

Dan visibly winced at her choice of words, but did nothing to defend me.

"No." I whispered quietly, glancing at Dan.

"No one can." With that, I shoved past them, rushing into the bathroom.

 **DAN'S POV**

The rest of the day seemed to fly by, me spending most of it lost in my own thoughts.

' _What did Phil mean when he said no one could help him?'_

 _'_ _Is he mad at me?'_

 _'_ _Oh gosh, he probably hates me.'_

When I finally made it home, I shoved the door open roughly and tossed my bag onto the couch, watching the cushions sink under its weight.

"Daniel is that you?" I heard my Mother call hopefully from the kitchen.

I groaned. I was hoping that I could make it upstairs without my mom asking the usual round of questions.

 _'_ _Did you have a nice day?"_

 _'_ _Did you make any new friends?'_

 _'_ _Did you get in any trouble?'_

"Yes Mum, it's me. I have a lot of homework to do, I'll talk to you at dinner." I called out, rushing up the stairs. I could hear her let out a soft sight as I walked away.

My mom and I used to be quite close, but we had drifted apart after I started high school, we barely talk now.

I jogged up the stairs, walking into my room and kicking the doors closed behind me. A groan escaped my lips as I flopped back onto the bed, running a hand through my hair. I let my eyes flicker closed for a moment, but quickly opened them again when Phil's hurt face flashed in my mind.

Sitting up, I plugged my phone into the speakers and began blasting muse.

Humming along to the song quietly, I got down on my hands and knees and under my bed, grabbing my half empty bottle of vodka. I raised the bottle to my lips, taking a few deep swallows. I let out a heavy breath, feeling the satisfying burning sensation that accompanied alcohol. My nerves began to unwinding quickly as my brain grew fuzzy.

Even in my intoxicated state, thoughts of Phil still roamed through my mind.

Everything about him is flawless; the way his bright blue eyes shone, how his dark fringe swooped in front of his eyes, how soft and pink his lips looked…

What would it be like to kiss Phil? _Probably bloody amazing._ I decided, taking another large swig.

 _'_ _I should talk to Phil…'_ I drunkenly thought. _'I need to apologize for earlier.'_

With that thought, I jumped up and stumbled to my desk, turning on my laptop and sitting down.

 **PHIL'S POV**

I sat on the edge of my bed, staring glumly at the noose laid in my hands.

 _'_ _Did I really want to do this?'_ I questioned, running my fingers over the beige fibers.

 _'_ _Maybe I'm just being stupid…'_ I bit my lip nervously.

I started to set the suicide object down, but other voices began to creep up in my mind.

 _'_ _Who the hell are you kidding you faggot, no one could ever love you.'_

' _You worthless piece of trash.'_

 _'_ _Disgusting suicidal emo.'_

I finally snapped when Dan's voice rang through my head.

' _Do you really think I could ever love you?_ '

I Let out a loud sob as a tear ran down my cheek, dropping onto the rope. Standing up, I stepped up on my chair, slipping the rope around the ceiling fan.

When I was sure it was tied securely, I took a step back to admire my work.

I placed the brief note on my neatly made bed, wondering what would happen when it was found. Would anyone care? I had only taken one step towards the rope when a small bing from my computer ripped through my thoughts.

I gave a confused glance at my laptop which was showing me a facebook messenger alert.

 _'_ _Did someone actually text me?'_

I walked over to my desk, pulling up facebook and going to my messages

 _Dan Howell (1) 6:45 pm_

 _"_ _PHIKL HI"_

I just stared at the screen for a moment.

 _Dan Howell texted me?_

Opening the chat, I quickly responded.

 **(A/N: bold text is Dan,** _ **italicized**_ ** _bold is Phil._** **)**

 _Um, hi._

 **PHILLL I knoew yourrr prooblly mad natb me, but I hace come to sya the sorry..**

I looked down at my computer screen, reading over Dan's text several times.

 _ **Dan, are you drunk?**_

 **I may havr had a slihgt bit of aalcocol but thtas not the poooint, the pont is that im sorry abotu earlier**

 _ **What are you apologizing for? Do you think I care if you make out with some random chick in the supply closet? It's not like we're close friends or anything. Why are you even nice to me in the first place? Just go hang out with your group of assholes and leave me alone will you?**_

My words might seem harsh, but I didn't care at this point. I'd be dead soon anyway.

 **But I dotn want to leave you aloneee**

 _ **And why the hell not?**_

 **Because u make me feel like I doont have to pretenf anymore**

 _ **What?**_

 **I gor to goo now** Dan cut the conversation short.

 _ **Whatever, bye**_ _._

 **Bye philllyy xxx**

I stared down at the screen, my heart pounding wildly in my chest.

 _'_ _Philly?'_

I groaned, leaning back in my chair and staring at the reflection of the hanging noose on my window. I wasn't sure whether I should be happy or frustrated that Dan texted me before I could get my death over with.

I had so many mixed feelings when it came to Dan. Part of me wanted to hate him, wanted for him to just be another jerk in my grade.

Another part of me wanted him to be mine. I wanted to be able to kiss him; tangling my hands in his hair and feeling his lips working against my own.

I ran a hand through my hair, feeling my face flush.

Eventually, I would figure out how I felt about him, but that would take time.

With a sigh, I got up and undid the rope, coiling it around my hand then shoving it back under the bed.

Today wasn't the day.

 **A/N: SO hopefully that was not horrible, I think some parts of it could have been better, but it didn't complete suck (except for that last paragraph, ew). I think I might update my oneshots soon, so look out for that!**

 **-Olivia x**


	10. Chapter 7

**HI**

 **IT ME**

 **This is slightly shorter than the other chapters but oh well! .-.**

 **DAN'S POV**

I awoke with a pounding headache, one of the many torturous side effects of a hangover.

' _Why the hell did I think it would be a good idea to drink half a bottle of vodka on a school night?'_

Groaning, I sat up in bed, running a hand through my hair.

6:49

I stood up shakily, swallowing the bile that almost immediately rose into my throat. Hobbling over to my dresser, I grabbed a bottle of Advil out of the top drawer, downing a few tablets.

I walked into the bathroom and visibly cringed at my reflection; I had dark bags under my eyes and my skin was a sickly pale color. I attempted to manually flatten down my hair with my hands, but I just ended up giving me an 'I-just-woke-up-from-a-one-night-stand' kind of appearance.

Fortunately, one shower and a hair-straightener later I was starting to look halfway decent.

I unwillingly jogged down the stairs, walking into the kitchen.

"Morning Dan!" My mum chirped. I never understood how she acted so happy at such an ungodly hour of seven in the morning.

"Yeah." I muttered, grabbing a piece of toast and tearing off a large bite.

"You look tired." She stated obviously. I used the small level of restraint I had left to not roll my eyes.

"Yup."

A moment later I slammed the door behind me, cutting off my Mum's farewell. Pulling my earbuds out of my pocket, I plugged them into my phone and began blasting _My Chemical Romance_

 _They're gonna clean up your looks_

 _With all the lies in the books_

 _To make a citizen out of you._

 _Because they sleep with a gun_

 _And keep an eye on you son_

 _So they can watch all the things you do._

I glanced up wearily at bleak sky, noting how much it seemed to match my mood.

 _Because the drugs never work_

 _They gonna give you a smirk_

 _Cause they got methods of keeping you clean_

My lips formed silent words as I recited the song, lost in my thoughts.

 _They gonna rip up your head_

 _Your aspirations to shreds!_

 _Another cog in the murder machine!_

Music had always been my dirty little secret. The bands I tended to listen to the most were what the rest of my friends referred to as "suicidal emo music". This almost broke me on multiple occasions, but I had mastered the art of pretending not to care some time ago.

 _They say teenagers scare the living shxt out of me!_

 _They could care less as long as someone will bleed!_

 _So darken your clothes, or strike a violent pose, maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me!_

I arrived at my hell-hole of a school surprisingly quickly. I glumly shoved the front door open, nearly knocking over a horror-stricken freshman. I completed my usual –and extremely dull—routine before heading off to my first class, French.

I stopped outside the door, talking a deep breath before standing up straight and plastering a smirk to my face. I shoved the door open, swaggering my way over to my desk where I threw my bag down and slumped into the hard plastic chair.

"Howell, do you have last night's math homework?" Sam turned around from the seat in front of me, waving a blank sheet of algebra problems in the air.

"Damn, we had homework?!" I muttered, running a hand through my hair. My head still throbbing from the alcohol.

"Yeah Mrs. Pareglo assigned us five pages of work, the bitc-" Sam was cut off as the door swung open and Phil stepped in the room.

He was wearing a black hoodie with the cover art of The Black Parade on it, causing me to press a smile. He had a pair of dark grey skinny jeans on, drawing notice to his thin frame.

He turned around, his eyes first landing on my shoes before he quickly glanced up, meeting my eyes. I held his gaze for a minute before allowing my gaze to slowly travel up and down his figure multiple times, then meeting his eyes again with a smug expression. I watched with satisfaction as a blush creeped up his neck and he quickly looked away, fidgeting with the edge of his sleeves. The smirk was quickly wiped off my face as Sam stuck his foot out causing him to stumble into a desk. The class burst into laughter as he shakily stood back up, allowing his fringe to cover most of his face while he scurried to his seat.

"Alright class quiet down." Mr. Allen, our French teacher, called out tiredly as he walked into the room, dropping a stack of papers on his desk. And so the day began.

 **PHIL'S POV**

I didn't bother paying attention to the lecture, I had a 100% in French class, seeing as the language came naturally to me after frequently visiting my Aunt and Uncle, who spoke French fluently.

I allowed my gaze to travel around the room, studying the behaviors of my fellow peers. Most of them were preforming usual habits of boredom: drumming their fingers on their desk, doodling mindlessly on their papers, examining their fingernails in great detail…

My gaze drifted over to Dan, who was staring mindlessly off into space. I thought back to earlier, the way he had looked at me when I walked into the room. He wasn't checking me out was he? I mean he couldn't be, he was just making out with Jessica yesterday… but then again, he did almost kiss me the other day in the library… and what about the texts from last night?

My thoughts argued back and forth over the possibility of Dan liking me until the bell finally rung.

"Oh and Mr. Howell and Mr. Lester, I would like to see you both after class." Mr. Allen called out over the ruckus of the class packing up.

I looked over at Dan in confusion, but he seemed just as oblivious as I was.

The students slowly trickled out into the hall until only Dan and I remained.

"Mr. Howell…" The teacher began, walking around to the other side of his desk. "As I'm sure you're aware, you are failing my class."

Dan quirked an eyebrow. "Have you held us back simply to insult me, Sir?"

"No Daniel, I was actually going to suggest that Mr. Lester, who happens to be one of the best students I have ever had, should tutor you. If it suits his schedule of course.

My eyes widened. "What, you mean like after school hours?"

He nodded solemnly. "Yes Phillip that is exactly what I am implying."

I glanced over at Dan who bit his lip in thought before turning to me. "It's fine with me, I really could use the extra help and I doubt my mom would care."

I nodded, unsure on how to feel about this. I could always make up an excuse not to do it, but I knew that deep down, I relished the idea of spending more time with Dan.

"So, does tomorrow night work for you?" I asked, wondering what I was getting myself into.

Dan nodded, giving me a small smile. "I'll text you my address."

"Excellent!" Mr. Allen clapped his hands together, ginning cheerfully. "I'm sure your grades will be improving in no time!"

 **A/N: this is where things begin to get interesting. ;) Also plz excuse the typos :P**


	11. Chapter 8

**A/N: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHpleasedontkillmeforbeinglateHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA**

 **DAN'S POV**

I drummed my fingers nervously, glancing at the clock.

5:24

Phil was supposed to be here at half past five, meaning any minute now. I was practically shaking with nerves; I just couldn't seem to figure out why.

Ok, fine, I knew _exactly_ why, I was just denying it.

I ran a hand through my hair, letting a sigh escape my lips. I need some way to ease my nerves. Usually in situations like this I would pull out a bottle of whiskey I had hidden under a loose floorboard, but I didn't trust myself to be drunk around Phil. So I restored to my other drug: music.

I plugged my phone into my speakers, set my playlist on shuffle and cranked the volume up.

 _We are runnin' so fast_

 _And we never look back_

 _And whatever I lack,_

 _You make up._

 _We make a really great team_

 _Though not everyone sees_

 _We got this crazy chemistry between us._

I collapsed back onto my bed, allowing my eyes to flicker closed as I concentrated solely on the music.

 ***skip to end of song***

I quietly sang the ending of the song, the words a familiar taste on my tongue.

 _All I need is you,_

 _You._

"Great song." I heard a familiar voice speak softly.

I jumped, looking up at Phil's tall silhouette in the door way.

Sorry, did I startle you?" He asked, stepping into my room and dropping his bag.

"How long have you been standing there?" I asked, disregarding his question.

"Long enough to know you aren't a half-bad singer."

I felt my face heat up in embarrassment, muttering 'shut up' under my breath.

"Shall we get started then?" he inquired, pulling a French text book out of his bag.

"Yeah…" I muttered, sitting up on the mattress. "Thanks for doing this by the way, I hate to be a bother." **(oh bother…)**

"Oh I don't mind!" Phil reassured me. "It's not like I have anything better to do…" I could have sworn I saw him cast a nervous glance at his sleeve, pulling it down slightly, but it happened so fast I could have imagined it.

We spent the next hour studying the current lesson we were doing in class, only getting off task once or twice to discuss our love for Muse or video games.

I glanced at the clock and was rather surprised to see we had been studying for well over an hour.

"Wanna take a break?" I glanced up at Phil hopefully.

'Sure!" He smiled, causing my heart to flutter.

"I think we have some left over pizza in the fridge if you want some." I offered, feeling rather hungry myself.

"I-I'm not that hungry…" He muttered, glancing down at his stomach nervously.

"That's BS!" I scoffed, standing up and offering him a hand. "You stomach has been growling throughout most of the lesson, doesn't you mother feed you?" I asked, oblivious of his family situations.

He laughed awkwardly, heat rising in his face.

"C'mon." I dragged him down the steps, pretending I wasn't enjoying the way his hand felt in my own.

Once we got to the kitchen I regrettably loosened my grip on Phil, allowing him to pull his hand free.

I opened the fridge, pulling out the pizza and placing it in the oven to re-heat.

"Coke?" I asked, offering him a can. He nodded, thanking me before cracking it open and taking a swig.

"Do you want to play video games while we wait for the pizza? I asked, nodding towards the lounge. Phil nodded, ginning.

"Five pounds says I can beat you at Mario cart!" He smirked.

I couldn't help but grin. "You're on."

 **PHIL'S POV**

"No!" I shrieked, watching with dismay and annoyance as Dan crossed the finish line only a second before me. "That's not fair!" My face dropped in a pout as I crossed my arms.

"You, Phil Lester" He poked me in the chest. "owe me five pounds!"

"I grumbled slightly, digging around in my pocket and locating some money, which I tossed t him carelessly.

He smirked, shoving the cash in his pocket.

"Dan?" I heard who I presumed was Dan's mum call out.

"Yeah?" He called back, the ghost of a grin still lurking on his face.

"There's an emergency at work and I have to leave for a few hours. Will you two be ok on your own?" She asked, walking into the lounge.

"Yeah, we'll be fine."

"OK, I should be back before midnight." She walked over to us, giving Dan a quick peck on the forehead, causing me to giggle slightly and him to blush.

"Bye. Mum…" he muttered, leaning away from her.

She gave a polite nod to me before quickly walking out of the room, the sound of the front door opening and closing shortly followed.

"So, up for another round?" He asked, waving his game controller in the air.

I nodded eagerly.

 ***Time skip towards end of game***

"No no no no no no no no!" Dan yelled, as I passed him just in time to win the level.

"Yes!" I yelled, cheering in triumph. "I would like my money back Daniel!" I demanded, holding out my hand."

"If you want it," he began slyly. "Then fight for it!" He yanked a pillow off the couch and smacked me with it.

"Hey!" I grabbed another pillow, hitting him back.

We went on back in forth for a while before I finally gave up, taking my own course of action.

I let out a battle cry as I pounced on him, knocking him back in surprise. I managed to pry the money out of his hand, smirking as I shoved it back in my pocket.

Dan scowled up at me from the floor. "No fair!"

I giggled as he pouted adorably at me, his amber eyes shining. "You just don't like losing!"

Dan bit his lip slightly, a strange spark flickering in his eyes. "You're right," He pushed himself up slowly, sitting so he was slightly taller than me. "I don't like losing at all."

"What are you doing?" I laughed nervously, meeting Dan's eyes.

Dan said nothing as he scooted closer to me.

I could feel a blush creeping up my face as Dan stared at me with a strange intensity.

"D-Dan?" My heart was beating wildly in my chest.

Dan placed his finger under my chin, bringing his face mere inches away from my own.

"If you're uncomfortable…" Dan breathed against my mouth, causing my breath to hitch in my throat.

" _Then stop me._ "

There was a moment of silence as I sat in shock, unsure how to act. Finally, with a shaky breath, I pushed our mouths together,

Time seemed to stand still as my brain processed what was happening. My arms slid around The smaller boy's waist, pulling him closer. My depressing thoughts were screaming that this was wrong; telling me that Dan could never care about me, that he would regret this as soon as it was over. But in this moment I _really didn't give a damn._

Dan wound his arms around my neck.

I pushed him back until we were lying down, our legs tangled together.

After who knows how long, we reluctantly pulled away to breath.

I tilted my head, pressing a kiss to the corner of the boy's mouth.

"Holy crap you're a good kisser…" He spoke softly .

I leaned forward, resting my head on his chest.

We sat in silence for a few moments, taking in what had just happened.

"I didn't know you were gay." I finally muttered, turning to look him in the eye.

"I didn't either…" He whispered, laughing slightly. Then I started laughing as well. Then he started laughing because I was laughing. And then I started laughing even harder. And we both just sat there laughing hysterically for no reason other than the fact that we had just kissed and it had felt _so damn amazing._

We ended up cuddling on the lounge floor, our fingers lightly intertwined. We hadn't said anything for quite a while, we just gazed into each other's eyes like some love-sick school girls.

I don't think I had felt this happy since well, forever. It was like my depression and suicidal thoughts had completely been washed away and replaced with thoughts of Dan.

The way his eyes lit up when he smiled.

How cute his hair looked curly.

How cute his hair looked straight.

How much I just wanted to kiss his dimples every time he smiled…

My thoughts were interrupted when I noticed the faint smell of smoke.

"Dan, is something burning?" I asked, a look of puzzlement on my face.

"Dan's eyes flicked open and his brow furrowed as he breathed in through his nose, trying to trace the smell. A few seconds later his eyes widened in realization.

"Oh sh*t, the pizza!"

And as Dan and I scrambled up and sprinted into the kitchen **,** I couldn't help but laugh as I realized how utterly in love I was with this dork named Dan Howell.

 **A/N: I hope you enjoyed this fluff! :D (im sorry that sucked :/)**

 **The weather forecast calls for angst with a chance of angry, sobbing fangirls** **?**

 **ALSO PLEASE FOLLOW MY PHAN INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT: / dils_whisk It would mean a lot to me!** **J**


	12. Chapter 9

**A/N: OK THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT IF YOU FEEL THAT THE THINGS MENTIONED IN THE TRIGGER WARNING MAY BE EVEN SLIGHTLY TRIGGERING TO YOU PLEASE DON'T READ THIS! DON'T TRY AND SKIM OVER THE PARTS YOU THINK MIGHT BE BAD! JUST COMPLETELY AVOID THIS!**

 **Also, I think I mentioned that Phil has a sister… yeah forget I said that, IDEK where I was going with that. (deleted the part where it said that.)**

 **Tbh this chapter was surprisingly hard to write compared to the other chapters. Tbh this entire story is more difficult to write than other stories.**

 **longest chapter so far: 1920 words w0w**

 **I would say I hope you enjoy the chapter but you will all hate me afterwards so lol sorry not sorry.**

 **DAN'S POV**

It had been two days since I had talked to Phil.

He attempted to text me Saturday, the day after the he came over, but I ignored all his messages. The same thing happened on Sunday, except this time he tried to call me.

I let all the messages go to voicemail.

Despite calling several times, Phil only left one message.

This message had caused me to spend about five minutes staring at my phone, contemplating the pros and cons of listening to it. In the end curiosity finally got the best of me.

 _"_ _Hi, um Dan, it's-it's Phil._

 _Are you ignoring me? I'm not sure what I did, but sorry anyway. Does it have anything to do with the fact that we… what happened on Friday? You seemed fine with it at the time, so I'm not sure if that's it or not… Well um, if you get this call me back I guess. Or don't I mean, you don't have to if you don't want to. Oh gosh sorry, I'm probably being really annoying._ _ ***awkward laugh***_ _Um, well b-bye…"_ _ ***click***_

It was at this moment I realized how hard it would be to hate Phil Lester.

 **-Time skip-**

I sat in first period, staring carelessly into space. Everything the teacher said seemed to go though one ear and out the other. It wasn't like I cared really, my mind was concentrated on more pressing matters; like how I was going to avoid Phil today.

I eventually decided the smartest thing to do would be to act like nothing happened and hang out with Anthony as much as possible. I knew Phil wouldn't be stupid enough to come near me as long as I was with my group of friends. This was the best way to make

I managed to avoid Phil until last period.

I had asked the teacher if I could get out of class a few minutes earlier in order to go to my locker. Seeing as he was probably just as eager as I was for me to leave that class, he happily obliged.

Walking down the hall, I noted I seemed to be alone, which I was rather thankful for. I spun the dial on the lock, entering the combination for what seemed like the thousandth time. The metal door swung open, and I began shoving books into whatever space I could find.

The task was almost completed when a shy voice spoke from behind me.

"Dan?"

Tension grasped hold of my body as I slowly turned around, careful to show no emotion.

"Can I help you?" I asked skeptically, raising an eyebrow.

Phil swallowed, looking down nervously. "I-I was just wondering why you didn't answer any of my texts or anything…"

"Did it ever cross your stupid little head that I didn't want to talk to you?" I spat out, slamming the locker door shut.

"Oh…" A look of hurt overcame his face. "I-I just thought after Friday-"

'Look, Phil, what happened on Friday was a mistake. Now do me a favor and leave me alone." I snapped. "Also, don't even think about mentioning what happened to anyone at school. If you do, I'll give you hell for it, faggot." My stomach twisted with guilt as I carelessly spat out the words. Why was I even doing this?

 _'_ _Because you're a selfish asshole who cares more about your reputation than your actual friends.'_ I reminded myself

Phil looked at me with a shocked and hurt expression. "I-I'm sorry." He choked, tears brimming his eyes. "I-I just thought…"

"You thought what Phil?" I crossed my arms, glaring at him.

"I just thought maybe someone actually cared about me…" His words drove into my heart like a dagger.

"Phil-"

"I'm sorry." He cried, turning to run down the hall as the bell run, signaling the end of the day.

I stood in the middle of the hall, unable to move as waves of students pushed past me.

This was what I wanted, wasn't it? To have my old life back, to have Phil out of the picture…?

But if this was what I wanted, then why did I feel like I just made the biggest mistake of my life?

 **PHIL'S POV**

Sobs racked my body as I collapsed onto my bedroom floor, recalling all the things Dan had said for what seemed like the millionth time.

 _'_ _What made you stupid enough to think he could grow to love you?'_ I questioned myself.

That kiss didn't mean anything. I was just his stupid experiment. I should have never given Dan that second chance after he first beat me up. I should have realized that first day that the sincerity in his eyes was a lie.

A quiet, raspy laugh racked my body as I realized how stupid I really was. This had happened to me so many times before. My Dad, all my childhood friends, my Mom had even let me down. Now Dan.

What the hell was there left to live for? A mum who doesn't care about me? An abusive father? A boy who will never care about me the way I care for him? It was all pointless.

I knew that there was only one road out of this hell, and I think after all this time I was finally willing take it.

Hot, salty tears ran down my face as I snatched a notebook off of my desk, scribbling down my final message on a blank page.

 ** _I was flying_**

 ** _I was flying and I called for you._**

 ** _I called for you to fly with me._**

 ** _To come feel the bliss I felt_**

 ** _You looked at me,_**

 ** _And you shot me down._**

 ** _I was falling._**

 ** _I was falling and I screamed._**

 ** _I screamed for you to help me,_**

 ** _To do anything you could._**

 ** _You looked at me,_**

 ** _And you let me fall._**

 ** _I was drowning._**

 ** _I was drowning and I couldn't swim._**

 ** _I waved for you to help me,_**

 ** _To throw me a float._**

 ** _You looked at me,_**

 ** _And you handed me an anchor._**

 ** _I was dying._**

 ** _I was dying and I couldn't breathe._**

 ** _I whispered for you to help me,_**

 ** _To lend me your breath._**

 ** _You looked at me,_**

 ** _And you let me die._**

 ** _I am gone._**

 ** _I am gone and I'm not coming back._**

 ** _I don't need you to help me._**

 ** _Because it's too late._**

 ** _You cannot see me._**

 ** _You cannot hurt me._**

Through blurry vision I stared down at the words, making sure everything sounded right.

Letting out a harsh sob, I reached over to the bedroom drawer, pulling out a small, cardboard box. With shaking hands, I pulled the tiny lid off, gazing down at the shining razors inside. I picked the one lying on top of the rest, not caring when it cut the side of my thumb. I hesitated, staring at the small piece of metal in between my fingers could end my existence. I inhaled deeply, pressing the cold metal to my wrists. A shaky breath escaped my lips as I slid the razor across my skin, drawing blood to the surface. I repeated the action over and over again, steadily pressing harder and getting deeper and deeper.

I finally placed the razor above the more sensitive part of my wrists, hesitating slightly.

I knew once I did this there was no going back.

I closed my eyes, I made the cut.

It was over.

 **DAN'S POV**

My mind was already slightly cloudy from the alcohol as I made my way into the crowd of sweaty, dancing teenagers. Well, I say dancing but really most of them were making-out or grinding on each other.

After my conversation with Phil, I realized I needed to get out. I needed to do something, _anything,_ to get my mind off of the whole ordeal. I must have called at least fifteen people on my contacts list before I finally found someone who knew the nut-job who decided to have a party on a Monday night.

I Guess I wasn't the only one with issues.

The host of the party, Kevin, lived only a few minutes away from me, allowing me a rather short walk. Luckily, my mom was asleep already so I didn't have to deal with her. It was amazing how well things could work out for me sometimes.

By the time I got there the party was already in full swing, so I easily slipped into the kitchen and grabbed myself a few beers.

I downed the first one quickly, wanting to get as drunk as I could as quickly as I could.

Several moments later, I stumbled out of the kitchen with one drink in each hand. I wasn't exactly sure what I was drinking now, but it was strong and that was good enough for me.

Walking into the living room, I glanced around, looking for anyone I knew. A wisp of red hair caught my attention, and I looked to see Max sitting on the couch with a few girls. While I didn't particularly like Max, he appeared to be the only one here I knew, leaving him as my only option. As I attempted to make my way over to him, however, I was shoved into a blonde girl I didn't recognize. I assumed she was from the grade above me.

"S-sorry." I slurred, backing up.

"Oh it's fine." She giggled, twirling a strand of her bleach-blonde hair around her finger and batting her obviously fake lashes.

"So… I muttered awkwardly, not knowing if she expected me to talk to her or not.

"Wanna dance?" She purred, biting her lip in what I expect was an attempt to be seductive.

"Sure." I decided on a whim, really not thinking or caring about where this would lead.

We joined the crowd of dancing teens, copying the movements of those around us.

We got closer and closer as we danced until her body was almost completely pressed up against my own and her lips found their way to mine.

The kiss wasn't sweet or passionate, not at all. It was simply for the fun of it.

 _'_ _Phil is a better kisser…_ ' My mind whispered quietly to me. I pushed the voice away, pulling the strangers closer to me and deepening the kiss.

 _'_ _I'm not gay! It was a weird hormone related thing that made me want to experiment or something! I'm straight!'_ I reassured myself.

 _'_ _But do you really enjoy kissing this girl?'_ The small voice in my head continued questioning me. I didn't respond this time. I just let the girl drag me off to one of the back bedrooms.

 **A/N: Pls don't kill me ;-;**


	13. Chapter 10

**A/N: I hope you don't mind that I kind of skip a lot of time in this chapter, I just thought that I'd spare you the boring details of class or Dan getting dressed.**

 **THANKS FOR 3K READS! (and 2.7k on Wattpad!) x**

 **Dan's POV**

I lay on my back, staring up at the celling. The party had reached its climax a few hours ago and most of the people had left. The blonde girl who's name I didn't care to learn was fast asleep beside me, her top carelessly hanging on the bedpost.

Luckily we hadn't taken things too far, and our underwear had remained on.

Usually at this point I would be quite relaxed, but now all I felt was restless and filthy. This certainly wasn't my first one-night stand, and I had definitely done much worse with other girls I haven't seen in months. Somehow this time it just didn't seem the same.

 _'_ _Maybe it was because once you have a taste of real love you can never go back.'_ A quote from a book I once read crept into my mind, causing me to close my eyes and sigh miserably. Why couldn't I just hate Phil? Or better yet, why couldn't I just have him?

…

After another hour of lying in bed and worrying **(same)** I climbed out of bed and hastily pulled on my clothes, wanting to get home as quickly as I could manage.

I was still a bit tipsy as I stumbled through the empty streets on my way home, and I was slightly worried that I might get mugged. Fortunately, I made the trip with no trouble.

I grabbed a key out of the planter and let myself into my house, being careful to keep quiet. By the time I had changed into my night-wear and crawled into bed it was nearly five.

Tomorrow would be absolute hell.

…

Well I was right about today being hellish.

My hangover wasn't at its worse, but I still had a throbbing headache for the first half of the day.

The thing I was most worried about was seeing Phil. I knew I had hurt him; I had hurt him horribly. I would be lying if I said I didn't feel bad. The guilt was currently sitting heavily in my stomach, like a massive wad of clay or dough.

Luckily enough, today was one of the days I didn't have class with Phil until third period.

So that is why I am currently standing outside my English class, a slight tremor coursing through me.

Surprisingly enough, I hadn't seen Phil in the hallways today; which I had to say was even worse, seeing as now I had no idea what condition he was in.

Realizing that I couldn't stay outside the door forever, I stepped into class, my eyes immediately landing on Phil's desk.

It was empty.

I wasn't sure why, but a sense of panic **(! at the Disco)** rose within me as I began to truly notice his absence. It was surely just a coincidence… I mean, it had to be… hadn't it?

Even though I spent countless minutes reassuring myself he was probably just sick, I couldn't shake the worried feeling off of me. **(same)**

…

The minute fourth period got out, I rushed to the cafeteria. I decided that if anyone were to know the whereabouts of Phil, it would be Kevin, who lived next door to him.

My appetite seemed to have vanished, so I simply went straight over to the table where the boy always sat, not bothering to get my lunch.

"Kevin!" I called out, causing the boy to jump slightly. Something told me he didn't get much attention.

"Oh, um- Dan!" His eyes widened with something like fear as he seemed to completely tense up.

"It's alright; I'm not going to hurt you." I spoke quietly, rather ashamed that I had to clarify that I the first place.

He seemed to relax when he realized that I was in no mood to beat him up.

"I was just wondering; you haven't happened to see Phil have you? Or know where he is?"

"Oh um…" Kevin looked down, avoiding my gaze.

"What is it Kevin?" I snapped impatiently.

"Phil attempted suicide last night. He's still alive, but in a coma."

My whole body seemed to be numb as I stumbled forward, leaning on the table for support. The whole of reality seemed to be crashing down on me. "He-he what?" I asked surprisingly calm from the utter shock.

"He slit his wrists." Kevin spoke sadly, looking down at his own clean arms. "I only know because my mum works at the hospital. Actually, I probably shouldn't be telling you this."

The chatty buzz of the cafeteria seemed to dull around me, now sounding muffled and unreal.

 _'_ _Phil tried to kill himself.'_ The thought ran through my head again and again until another thought leapt out of the darkness, suffocating it.

 _'_ _It's my fault.'_

I was going to be sick.

"I-I gotta go..." I muttered out hurriedly, swinging my bag over my shoulder and turning on my heel.

I had to blink several times to clear my vision, was the room supposed to be spinning?

Once I could see clearly again, I stumbled out of the room, ignoring the distant sounds of Anthony and Sam calling my name.

I ran into the nearest bathroom, carelessly flinging my bag against a wall when I got there. I hurried into the nearest cubicle, kicking the door closed behind me. The minute I reached the toilet I vomited.

Deep, painful breaths racked my body as I slumped against the wall.

' _Phil was in a coma and he might not wake up. This is all my fault."_

Guilt twisted my stomach, and once again I found myself hunched over the porcelain seat as bile raised in my throat.

…

I hadn't even bothered to stay in school. The next opportunity I had I ran out the side door, not stopping until I reached the main roads. It's not like anyone would care if a student left anyways, it was a daily occurrence at my school.

I sprinted home, only slowing down to call a taxi.

…

My mom was still at work when I got home, so I wasn't bothered with having to explain why I was home so early, not yet anyway. I knew the school would call her in a few hours, _then_ I would be in trouble.

I dropped off my bag then rushed outside, relived to see the taxi was just pulling up.

The ride to the hospital was, to say the least, nerve-racking. I couldn't stop shaking, and was relieved when the taxi driver showed no interest in making conversation.

By the time we made it to our destination, I felt like I was going to puke again.

I power-walked to the front door, pushing it open and making my way to the front desk.

"Can I help you?" A heavy woman in a pink nurses' outfit asked me, barely glancing up.

"Um I'm here to see a Phil Lester?" I gasped, unused to all of the exercise I had gotten from running.

The lady picked up a clipboard, looking down at it through the spectacles balanced on the edge of her nose. "Are you a direct family member?" She asked, looking up at me with a blank expression.

"N-no, but please, I really need to see him." I pleaded to the nurse.

She sighed, glancing around nervously before leaning forward. "I really shouldn't be doing this, no one who is not a direct family member is allowed to see the patients upon the first forty-eight hours of entry. I'm only doing this because the poor boy has had no visitors since he arrived. Even his own bloody father dropped him off and left; I suppose he could use the company."

"Thank you so much." I sighed with relief and gratitude.

"Room 139" She said with a smile.

…

I rushed down the hallway, quickly glancing at all the room numbers as I passed them.

 _136_

 _137_

 _138_

 ** _139_**

I stopped in mid step, turning towards the door with the words _Lester, Phillip_ next to it.

I stood in front of the door, staring down at the silver handle. I wanted to turn it _so badly_ , but I was terrified of what I would see.

After a good minute of staring at that stupid, stupid door. I swung it open, taking a step into the sterile white room.

I first noticed how bare the room seemed; there were no flowers or cards or get well balloons like there were in other patients' rooms. There was just a pale, scrawny boy laying in the hospital bed; white bandages wrapped tightly around his wrists.

My stomach seemed to slowly turn to lead as I stepped closer to the cot, now being able to clearly see his face. It seemed much more hollow and sunken in than before, and there were dark rings under his eyes. Swallowing, I pulled a chair up next to him.

"Phil…" I breathed out, taking his hand in mine. They were cold and boney, rings of blood lining his fingernails.

"I am so, _so sorry._ " I broke down in sobs, clutching his hand.

"I'm sorry that I'm such a self-conscious asshole who cares more about popularity than other people. I'm sorry I'm a selfish prick who doesn't know how to be a decent human being." I gasped out the words as sobs racked my body. I gently brought his hand up to my lips, allowing me to softly kiss his knuckles.

" _I'm-"_ I struggled to say the next phrase, oblivious to the gentle flickering of Phil's eyelids as he awakened.

" _I'm sorry I'm too scared to admit that I am completely in love with you."_

"You- _you love me_?" a weak voice croaked out.

My head jolted up and I was met with a pair of broken blue eyes.

"Phil."

 **A/N: Sorry there is lots of skips, idk if any of you care or not.**

 **Hope you like it, I feel like I kinda rushed it… which I did bc I really want to watch Black Butler but I promised I would have this chapter up today so here take it; I don't want it.**


	14. Chapter 11

**A/N: I am sosoosososoosos sorry this is so late oml**

 **Longer chapter than usual, it seems really short to me for some reason**

 **I hope you guys are emotionally stable because this chapter will probably kill some of you.**

 ** _I_** **personally wrote this without batting an eye.**

 **Maybe I'm soulless, idk**.

 **DAN'S POV**

"Phil." I stared in shock at Phil, who was propping himself up against the sterile, white hospital bed pillows. "Oh my gosh I'm so glad you're awake!" I let out a small sob of relief and stood up, reaching forward to give him a hug.

"Dan…" Phil muttered, holding up his hands.

I felt my face heat up as I quickly backed away. "S-sorry... I shouldn't of—"

"Dan, do you love me?" Phil asked.

I looked up at him nervously, he looked exhausted.

Everything about him, from the way his voice tremored to the way he blearily rubbed his eyes, was done in a manner that truly showed how fed up he was with his existence.

I felt another ton of guilt settle in the pit of my stomach.

"I-yes, I-I do."

Phil let out a soft sigh, glancing away from me. "Then what was it all for?" He asked, looking back at me. "I thought you _hated_ me." Phil choked out, his eyes shining. "I thought had just found one more thing in my life to screw up."

"Phil, I can't-"

"Shut up." Phil snapped at me, silencing my words at once. "You made me feel worthless. You were the one person that I thought might actually end up liking me despite all my flaws, despite how we first met. But all you did was give the false hope of being rebuilt then tear me down even more!" Phil yelled, tears streaking the pale skin of his cheeks.

I shook my head, my vision blurring with unshed tears. "Phil, if I would have known I would never-"

"If you would have known _what_ Dan?!" Phil yelled, the beeping on his heart monitor increasing rapidly. "If you would have known that I would have run home and slit my wrists open hoping that I would die?! What then? Would you still have treated me like a worthless toy for you to play with? A game to see how long you could mess with me before I broke? I should never have forgiven you! I should have realized you would just be another arrogant chav that thinks he's better than everyone else!

I shook my head slightly as I stepped back, hand reaching up to cover my mouth.

"I'm sorry." I croaked out. "I know that changes nothing but please, you just have to realize that I'm _so sorry_ " Phil's eyes (now a stormy grey) bared down on me with an indescribable amount of hurt etched into them. "I know you can't forgive me, that makes two of us, but please, it's so important for you to understand that I love you. I was too self-conscious before to admit it, I was too worried that the popular status I had worked to create would be stripped away and I would be nothing.

I can't believe how childish I was, thinking that a high-school reputation _actually_ mattered." I shook my head, running a hand through my messy hair. "But no matter what I said, no matter what I did, there was not a single point at which I didn't love you."

Phil shook his head sadly, tears running down his cheek and dripping onto the pale bedsheets. "I want to believe you Dan, I really do."

"Phil…"

"Just get out Dan. And don't come back." Phil laid back down on the bed, turning so his back was facing me.

I opened my mouth to argue, but stopped myself. What was the point? With one last glance at Phil, I turned to the door and let myself out.

…

"Excuse me." I caught the attention of a nurse walking down the hall.

She looked rather startled, most likely noticing my red face and tear soaked cheeks. "Yes?"

"Phil- Phil Lester is awake." I explained tiredly.

The nurse said something I didn't care to comprehend and hurried off in the direction of Phil's room.

 **PHIL'S POV**

Numbness.

That was the only thing I could feel.

The next two days seemed to pass by slowly, but somehow at the same time it only felt like a second.

I guess that was understandable seeing as I did nothing. I usually am a pretty impatient person; I always have to be doing something. But not now. I've been lying in bed for three days doing nothing but staring at the celling.

I haven't had any visitors, not since Dan came. I can't say I'm surprised. My Dad is glad to have me out of the way, my mom probably doesn't even know what was happening (not that she would care), and I had told the nurse not to let Dan come and visit me; I didn't think I could deal with him anymore. It was bad enough that he was always on my mind, he would be even worse in the flesh.

I had spent most of my time in confinement just thinking. When my thoughts weren't on Dan, they were on death.

 _Did I regret surviving? Do I wish that I was dead right now? What would happen when I got out of this place? Would school be better or worse?_

I was startled out of my thoughts by a knock on my door.

"Come in." I was surprised the woman heard me considering how feeble my voice sounded.

"Mr. Lester," the blonde nurse I had come to know as May began. "I know you don't want to speak to Dan…"

I felt myself stiffen up slightly as she nervously continued.

"You see, it's just that he has been in the waiting room all day and is refusing to leave."

"All _day_?" I repeated, ignoring the increased beating in my chest.

"Yes, I have asked him to leave on numerous occasions, but he wouldn't even leave to get a meal from the cafeteria when I offered him lunch. Bloody determined, that one."

I looked down, picturing Dan sitting in some stiff wooden chair, refusing to move.

May cleared her throat. "So Phil, what will you have me do with him?"

I bit my lip nervously before finally giving in. "I…I guess you can let him come in…"

She nodded, a small smile appearing on her lips. "I'll go get him."

….

A few moments later the door opened and Dan shuffled into the room.

"Hi…" He muttered quietly, avoiding my gaze.

I dismissed his apology. "Did you want something?"

Dan sighed, walking over and taking a seat by my bed. "We- I think we need to arrange something."

"What do you mean?' I inquired, noticing how miserable he looked.

"I just feel like we need to come to an understanding as to where we are. I mean obviously you hate me right now and—"

"I don't hate you." I stated bluntly, interrupting him.

Dan looked at me in shock, not quite sure what to say.

"I might be angry and disappointed, but I could never hate you."

Dan looked down at his hands, not speaking.

I let out a soft sigh as I allowed my head to fall back onto the pillow.

"Do you…" Dan began to say something but paused, rethinking his query. "Do you think you could ever forgive me?"

"I don't know." I replied quietly, my eyes fixed on the ceiling. I found it was easier to talk to Dan when I wasn't looking at him. "I want to, but I know I would be an idiot if I did. Maybe someday, but not now." I turned my gaze back to him.

He nodded sadly, looking down at me. "I get it…"

He stepped a bit closer to me, biting his lip nervously before leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to my lips. It was full of sorrow, the ghost of what could have been if things had been different. He finally pulled away, a soft sigh issuing from his lips.

I kept my eyes shut as the sound of his receding footsteps echoed through the room. I kept telling myself that when I opened them he would be lying next to me; he would be there to tell me that I was amazing and that he loved me. But we just weren't ready for that yet.

He still needed to mature and figure out who he really was, I needed time to heal on my own before I made any more choices.

I didn't like the arrangement, but I knew it was what was best.

"Goodbye Phil." Dan whispered, sniffling.

The minute I heard the door close I broke down in sobs, not caring who heard me. It didn't take long for a group of nurses to come in to check on me.

"Phillip, Phil are you ok? What is it that hurts?" A red-headed nurse questioned me, checking my wrists for any sign of bleeding.

Speaking quietly so that no one could hear, I whispered.

 _"_ _My heart."_

 _To be continued..._

 **A/N:**

 **I could end the story right now you know.**

 **I could just end it and they would never get together.**

 **I'm not going to**

 **But I could.**

 **…** **.**

 **I'm sorry for that monstrosity I really don't know what that was.**

 **…** **.**

 **Despite what this chapter may suggest, I am in fact** **not** **a sadist.**


	15. Chapter 12 (Filler)

**A/N: So, sorry for all the stuff that has been going on lately, I know I can be a bit irritable. It's really weird, like its like anxiety, where I am stressing about small things, but I feel like it is not bad enough to actually be anxiety?**

 **Do y'all know what I'm talking about? Its kind of like if you're drowsy, and nodding off, but not actually asleep: even though you are very tired, and not fully conscious, you are still awake and not asleep. Idk if that made sense ;-;**

 **But I want to thank you all so much as everyone who has commented has just been so supporting and stuff.**

 **So thanks.**

 **Wow, don't I have a way with words.**

 **Anyway, this chapter is short, but you know, I just felt I needed to upload something since it has been a while :/**

 **Three months later. (Phil's POV)**

I honestly don't know whether things have gotten better, or worse.

I got out of rehab a few days ago, and since then my dad has been much more abusive. It's strange, I never really thought about what would happen if he found out my suicidal tendencies. I think I just kind of assumed he would feel guilty and be nicer to me from then on.

Turns out he thinks that having a son who is not only a faggot, but also a depressed suicidal teen is the worst thing that could happen to a "respectable" man like himself.

My Mum had stopped by several times. It was quite a shock to me, seeing as the last time I saw her for more than an hour was well over six months ago. She cried a bit, asking over and over why I had tried to do this. I didn't have much of an answer for her.

Most of the time she visited we were just catching up with what had been going on in the other's life. Finally, after several hours of small talk, I veered the conversation to the topic of my father.

"Has dad ever hit you?" I had asked quietly, meeting my mum's eyes.

Her only response was a sad sigh and an understanding look. And that was enough for me.

She didn't visit again.

My time alone, although quite boring, really helped me think about my life, and what I wanted to do with it.

One of these things was the realization that I did not want to die.

I didn't necessarily like my life, but now I was stuck in between a battle of not wanting to exist but not wanting to die either.

It was quite frustrating.

The one thing I was left unsure about was what to do about Dan.

I still loved him.

I didn't necessarily _like_ him, but I loved him.

If you have never had those feelings towards someone, you can't understand how much they suck. In a way, it's kind of like an argument between your brain and your heart. **(A/N: Well, technically between your emotions and your common sense, seeing as the heart has no function whatsoever that involves emotions or thoughts. But that's beside the point.)** Even though your brain knows that this person has hurt you, and deserves nothing from you but hatred, your heart can't let go of the love that you feel for them. It can't stand to believe that someone you once cared for so deeply could ever hurt you this much.

I thought back to Dan and I's first kiss. He had been so sweet… It was almost impossible to believe that just a few days later he was yelling about how much he hated me… I let out a sigh, pushing the thoughts to the back of my head. I really needed to stop thinking about him; I needed to concentrate on me.

Speaking of thinking about myself, I really needed a shower.

 **Post shower**

I stepped out onto the bath rug, dripping wet, and pulled a towel around my waist.

Reaching for the clothes I had laid out, I noticed the soft glinting of a blade on the counter.

For a fleeting moment I was filled with panic, but then I seemed to go completely numb. I reached out for the metal, a sense of realness washing through me as my skin came in contact with the side. Picking it up between my fingers, I held it out in front of me, almost unaware of what I was doing. I brought my hand down, loosening my grip.

A soft splash sounded as the awful thing landed in the toilet.

Before I had any second thoughts, I flushed it.

I watched as the water swirled around, the razor occasionally glinting, as if it were winking at me. Finally, the water stilled, and I was left standing in front of the toilet, slack-jawed.

I didn't know I was crying until I felt a tear drip down my chin and on to my chest. It took me a minute to understand why this was happening. But when I did understand, it hit me like a wave.

The war between my heart and my mind was coming to an end, and it looks like the outcome might end up being less bleak then I had thought.

 **A/N: wow, that was really cheesy and kind of sucked.**

 **Oh well**

 **Hope you guys liked it**


	16. Chapter 13

**A/N: Once again, sorry this is short, but I mean hey, it's a start, right?**

 **Even though it is unofficial, I think of this as the prologue to "part two" of the story. It's a new beginning for everyone.**

 **Also I'm like very sure I have (mildish?) anxiety so yeah, that's why I was freaking out these past few weeks.**

 **Also, I'm going to be gone for two weeks, so the next update will probably be in 3 weeks.**

 **Sorry fam**

 ** _Page from Phil's journal_**

 _Dear…whatever this is,_

 _So, I have never really kept one of these things before, but hopefully it will help me deal with life right no._

 _I'm back at home now. Dad has been more abusive lately; I'm not really sure what to do about that. Maybe I could run away. The only thing stopping me is that I have nowhere to go. I guess I could stay in an apartment or a motel. But I only have enough money for one or two weeks. Don't know what I would do after that. Maybe one day I'll have enough money to stay, although first I need to get a job._

 _Well, that's all for now._

 _-Phil_

 **Dan's POV**

My life has gone from bad to badish in the past few weeks.

I had gotten into a fight with my "friends". This happened after I told them my _real_ opinions on them, which was in fact a long string of swear words and insults. However I feel that the golden bit of that conversation was when Anthony called me gay, and I responded with "I'm bi, actually". I've never seen him so shocked.

Of course they have control over most of the school, so it was quite unsurprising that I was one of the most hated kids in school by the end of the week.

Strangely, I didn't care as much as I thought I would. I mean, if anything my life had gotten better.

Ok, well, that's a lie.

But it had improved in some ways. I had decided to stop ignoring my mum. The smile she had on her face when she saw me cooking dinner was brilliant. I had forgotten how funny she was

I thought about Phil a lot, wondering how he was doing. He doesn't know, but I had a nurse agree to email me his recovery process. I was relived when I got the notice that he had been released, but I was also worried. Now I had no way of checking on him besides directly contacting him, and in all honesty I doubted he would answer.

"Dan, are you alright?" My mum inquired, snapping me out of my thoughts. "You seem a bit quiet."

"Y-yeah. Just thinking." I muttered, returning to my food.

 ** _Page from Phil's journal_**

 _Dear, booky-thing,_

 _Dad hit me with his beer bottle again, it was worse this time. I have some pretty bad bruises on my back, but I'm sure they'll fade. I've thought about messaging Dan several times, but decided against it. I go back to school in three days so I might as well just wait till then. Although, if he texts me first, maybe I will respond…_

 _I think I need to pick up a hobby. Playing the guitar seems fun, but I don't really have the money to pay for that right now. Maybe I should try sketching? I'm not an amazing artist, but I guess I could learn._

 _I really do think I'm going to run away. As soon as school gets out, I'll get my car and just drive. Then, once I find a nice, quiet town, I can get a job. I don't mind sleeping in the car until I have enough for rent. It would probably only be for a week or so._

 _I really should go to sleep, its already 3:23 am. For some reason I feel like I'm never really tired any more. Like when I wake up after stayingup till five I am, but it's just hard for me to fall asleep. I'm sure that if I wanted to I could stay up all night with no issue. Although I've never really liked pulling all-nighters; they might be fun while you're staying up, but then you have to drag yourself around all the next day, and you're too tired to do anything._

 _I'm going to try and sleep now, but I'll write tomorrow._

 _-Phil_

 **Dan's POV (The next day)**

I had been staring at the message typed my phone for at least 15 minutes.

 _"Hi phil, i know we havent talked in a while, but i just wanted to make sure u were adjusting well to being back home"_

It was such a simple message, yet there seemed to be an invisible force holding my finger in place, unable to do anything. Finally, I managed to slam my finger down on the "send" button.

I stared at my phone in anticipation for a few minutes, but after a while decided that he probably wouldn't respond, and I shouldn't hold my breath.

I tossed my phone onto my bed and picked up my book, _Will Grayson, Will Grayson_ **(A/N: It's what I'm currently reading :P)**

I had only just found my page when I heard my phone chime. To say I quickly picked up the phone would be an understatement. I tossed my book to the ground and belly flopped onto my bed, rapidly opening up the message.

 _Phil: Hi dan. yea, im doing ok. i'm having some issues with my dad, but that's really it. i have gotten a lot better_

I began quickly typing my response.

"I'm really glad to hear that! I hope every thing with your dad works out ok. If u need something you can call me :3"

 _Thx, I will. I g2g now, my dad is home_

Bye

 _Bye_

Although Phil's last passage seemed slightly worrying, there was no proof he was in any danger; hence I decided not to worry about it.

I felt slightly reassured talking to Phil after so long, even if it was a short conversation. I reached over the side of my bed and grabbed the discarded book, finding my place and continuing with the story.

 **A/N: sorry for the length of that and stuff, but I really didn't know what else to write. Tbh ik I never am that pleased with the way my chapters turn out but this is probably one of my least favorite chapters I have written, sorry**

 **Um, ik its kind of boring rn, but it will get better I swear.**

 **See y'all in three(ish) weeks!**


	17. Chapter 14

**A/N: There is only so long one can procrastinate.**

 **Writing fanfiction gives me anxiety** **sometimes** **but idk why.**

 **Well you all have been wanting this so here, take it:**

 **(also abuse trigger warning right here, if this could trigger you idk why you are even reading this story bc it was in the bio.)**

 **Update: I wrote the A/N stared at my computer for a while, closed the computer and procrastinated some more. This is attempt two.**

 **I have horrible writer's block.**

 **I can already tell this chapter will probably be shortish. Like 900 words maybe? Maybe more maybe less?**

 **I start school on Monday :/**

 **Phil's POV: (This chapter will probably only be Phil's POV because nothing is happening with Dan.)**

I winced as my dad slammed the door behind him, causing the whole house to quake.

"Phil!" he yelled out, his words slurring a bit.

"S-sir?" I responded shakily.

"Come fix dinner" **(I wrote that as soon as my dad called me down for dinner, wow)**

I let out a shaky sigh and left my room, heading downstairs.

My dad was standing at the bottom of the steps, his hair disheveled and his tie half undone. He had obviously stopped at the bar after work.

"Hurry up boy." He grunted, tossing his briefcase carelessly off to the side. I looked at the ground, hurrying off into the kitchen.

I needed something that would cook fast, because I knew that the longer it took him to get his food the angrier he would be.

After rummaging through the freezer for a moment, I found a frozen pizza that would only take 20 minutes.

Trying to make as little noise as possible, I popped it in the oven and set the timer.

As much as I wanted to leave, I knew that as soon as I tried to walk away I would be called back, so I resorted to leaning against the corner of the counter, trying to melt into the shadows.

I spent the twenty minutes of cooking silently praying that my dad wouldn't do anything. God seemed to be on my side seeing as the old man didn't so much as glance at me once.

The sudden beeping of the oven startled me, and I quickly pulled the pizza out.

"Hurry up." A deep voice grumbled as cut out a few slices and put them on a plate.

I brought the plate to the dinner table, sliding it in front of my dad.

He looked down at the table then back at me.

"Are you forgetting something?" He queried, raising his voice slightly.

I glanced around. My mind went blank as I tried to look for anything wrong. "Um…"

"My drink, boy!" a sharp pain exploded in my cheek as his hand flew out.

I bit my tounge, attempting to regain my composure. "Wh-what would you like?" my voice was shaky as tears began to prick my eyes.

"Something strong." He said simply, taking a bite of his food, nearly shoving the whole thing in his mouth. I nodded slightly, hurrying to the fridge.

The tips of my fingers brushed bottle after bottle, looking for something he would like. My gaze finally landed on one containing a clear liquid. Vodka was strong, wasn't it? I figured that a cup wouldn't be needed, so I just brought the whole bottle over.

The closest thing I got to a thank you was a quiet grunt, unsurprising, of course.

"Are the dishes clean?" My dad asked, a piece of food flying out of his mouth.

"Not yet." I made effort to mask my disgust.

He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Then clean them."

A curt nod was all I offered before turning around and walking to the sink.

I hated my life.

…

I was barley halfway through the dirty dish pile when I made a horrible mistake: I picked up a soapy dish, then realizing I needed another rag. With the dish still in my hand, I spun around, attempting to walk to the cabinet. I was completely unaware that my dad had gotten up and was standing right behind me. I slammed the dish into his side, stepping on his toe and dropping the plate. I seemed to watch the dish fall in slow motion, tiny shards of glass flying everywhere.

"You f**king idiot!" He roared, pushing me back into the counter. I let out a pained cry as the edge of the counter collided with my tailbone. "You always have to find a way to f**k things up, don't you!" his large hand grabbed my shirtfront, slinging me down to the floor. My arm landed on the pile of glass, giving me several cuts.

"I-I' sorry!" I yelled helplessly, trying to shield my head.

"Why did I have to get stuck with you and your slut of a mother?!" He growled.

"I'm sorry! I wont do it again I promise!" I cracked one eye open, looking up. His arm was silhouetted by the light behind him. In his hand he was holding a bottle by the neck, liquid dripping out of it.

I curled into myself, trying to do what I could as means of self defense.

There was a blinding pain, then everything went black.

….

…

..

.

I could hear people talking.

 _Was I dead? Was this heaven?_

"Can you hear me?" A deep, echoing voice called out.

 _That's not my dad._

"Mr. Lester, can you hear me?" the voice was clearer this time, but I didn't recognize it. A bright light had began to shine through the darkness.

"Mr. Lester?"

My eyes flickered open, there was a man leaning above me.

I tried to sit up but a sharp pain burst through my skull, dulling to a painful ache. "Ah!" I brought my hand up to my head, rubbing my temple.

"Easy there." I was gently reclined back onto the ground by the man. "What's your name son?" the man asked. It was only now that I noticed his American accent.

"Phil Lester." I replied, my voice unusually feeble.

"Well Phil, I'm Officer Grave from the LPD. I need you to look over my shoulder for a minute, I'm going to shine a light in your eyes to check for any sign of head trauma." ( **A/N: Is London Police Department a thing? is that what yall call it over there? Like America has the NYPD?)**

I followed his instruction, wincing as the light only worsened my headache.

"You're a pretty lucky kid Phil" The officer said, switching the light off.

"I'm sorry sir but I really don't think you chose the right word to describe me"

The officer chuckled. "You suffered a pretty bad blow to the head, although you managed to get away with only a minor concussion. Of course we still have to take you to a doctor for treatment on all your injuries."

"Wait, where's my dad?" I asked, suddenly remembering all of what happened.

Officer Grave's expression turned grim. "I hate to break it to you Phil, but your father was involved in a hit and run accident. He has been arrested for DUI and manslaughter. And if I'm not wrong he could be arrested for some physical assault charges too." He muttered, looking at me with pity. **(those might not be the right charges idk)**

I stared at him silently for a moment, not believing what I had heard. "He… He _killed_ someone?"

"On accident of course, but yes. Someone got his license plate and we tracked him back here."

A wave of numbness swept through me. I knew that I should be mad or crying, yelling out about how glad I was he was gone, or trying to defend him for his crimes…but I did none of that. I just gave a small nod.

I was led blindly through a small crowd of neighbors, policemen, and flashing lights into the ambulance, where I would be taken back to the hospital for a checkup. I could see people talking to me, neighbors trying to get the latest spill on what happened. Others trying to see if I was okay. I ignored them all, a low buzzing in my head. I couldn't hear or feel anything, I was completely, numb. Even the splitting pain in my skull seemed to have vanished.

It was weird: a time when I should be wide awake, feeling thousands of emotions at once and having a panic attack, I felt empty.

 **A/N: this is me writing on Sunday night, yes, hello! I still have to edit some so this should be up Monday afternoon.**


	18. Chapter 15

**A/N: I've run out of procrastination time.**

 **Dang flabbit.**

 **(dan and phil have mentioned they don't mind us writing fanfic, right? I know they have [I think] but you know me)**

 **I'm watching this while listening to the Sherlock parody by Hillywood show.**

 **Boy Im shook**

 **Phil's POV:**

I have been sitting in this stupid, plastic chair in this stupid, cream colored waiting room for nearly an hour.

There are only four others in the room: a man in his twenties who had told everyone multiple times that he was going to be a father, a mean-looking, heavy set, Scottish woman who had only spoken once—to the man-since she had sat down ("If you don't shut yer mouth then your baby's arse won't be the only thing gettin' a beatin' t'night!"), a blonde girl who had to excuse herself after she went into a fit of coughing, and an elderly man. I genuinely hope that he is asleep and not dead.

The shock of the whole event had worn off on the way to the hospital, and I was able to actually process what had happened. I always had the idea in the back of my mind that one day it would come down to this, my father killing someone. Although I didn't realize what it would actually feel like.

The minute the numbness finally wore off, the realization hit me like a stack of bricks. I began hyperventilating and they had to call in a nurse to calm me down. She couldn't give me any shots or medication since the doctors still hadn't given me a proper checkup, so she just kind of kneeled next to me for twenty minutes.

After I recovered I was sent to wait until someone could see me and make sure I wasn't about to have a seizure for brain damage or anything like that. Which is quite dumb considering how long I had been waiting.

Finally, the door swung open and a Doctor stuck his head out.

"Phillip Lester?"

Everyone but me slouched back down, the Scottish woman swore, I wonder how long she has been here? I stood up quicker than I should have, the blood rushing to my head and another sharp throb pulsing through my nerves. "Ah…" I winced, leaning against the wall for support.

"Careful." The doctor stepped forward and helped me regain my balance. One I was able to stand up again, he lead me back into the hallway.

The walls were plain and boring, the only decoration was the occasional painting.

Finally, we reached a room full of equipment, and I was ushered inside.

"Alright Phil, my name is Dr. Milson. If you could just take a seat on the cot, I'll take your blood pressure real quick and we can get started!"

I sat down carefully on the paper covered seat, shifting around. I hated hospitals so much, particularly after my last visit. I've been clean for five months, but the whole mood of hospitals made me uneasy. I felt like my returning after only a few months was a taunting way for the universe to pick at my healing wounds.

Dr. Milson wrapped the sphygmomanometer cuff around my arm and recorded my blood pressure. I gritted my teeth in pain as the sleeve squeezed the bruises on my bicep, although I kept my pain silent. Finally, the tension was released and the doctor unwrapped the sleeve. I noticed the recognition in his eyes first, then the rest of his body as he seemed to recoil in shock. This seemed to be the normal reaction when someone saw my scars.

"Phil…"

"I've been clean for three months, I already had therapy. I'm fine." The last bit was a lie, I was pretty close to having an anxiety attack at the moment.

"Are you sure? I know these things can be hard to recover from."

"Please, Doctor Milson, just drop it. I just want to know if I'm going to die of head trauma or something so I can leave quicker."

"OK, OK, just remember, if you ever need to talk to someone about it, you can always call us."

"I'll try and remember that. I muttered.

…

I left Dr. Milson's office with the new knowledge that I had mild brain damage that would be able to repair itself. The only thing I could do was avoid physical activity—which I did anyway—and drink lots of water.

My stomach felt like lead as I walked back to the waiting room. I needed to go visit my dad. I didn't want to, I would much rather never see that SOB again, but the doctors reassured me it was best to talk to him one more time before I completely cut him out of my life, for closure. But I was certainly not going to go by myself.

 **Dan's POV**

 _Consider the functions f(x)=_ _x and g(x) = 7x=b. In the standard (x,y) coordinate plane, y= f(g(x)) passes through (4,6) what is the value of b?_

I stared at my math homework blankly. "What the actual heck."

 **(cue all 34673657 comments saying "same")**

I sighed, hoping that if I stared at the problem long enough the answer would appear. Of course, it didn't.

' _And when we go don't blame us, we'll let the fires just bathe us-"_ My ringtone cut through his frustration, giving him a perfect excuse to procrastinate.

I looked at the caller ID in surprise. "Oh!" I quickly accepted the call. "Phil, hi!"

"I need to talk to someone." Phil's life was unnaturally lifeless.

A wave of uneasiness washed over me "What happened? Where are you?"

"I'm at the hospital. I need-"

"Oh no, Phil please, tell me you didn't" A sense of panic rose within me.

"Dan, I'm fine. Just, Please, come here." Phil begged tiredly. "I don't want to explain it all over the phone."

"Of course." I assured him, already walking downstairs. "I'm on my way."

Phil let out a sigh. "Thank you."

…

 **One taxi ride later**

I paced the lobby of the hospital, scrolling though the contacts on my phone. I taped on Phil's number.

 _Ring_

 _Ring_

 _Ri-_ "Hello?"

"Phil, I'm in the main lobby, where are you?"

"I'm in the waiting room on the east side of the hospital."

"East hall…" I muttered, looking around for a map or something. "Got it, I'll be there in a minute." I slipped my phone into my back pocket, scanning the wall until I found a sign labeled _East Wing._

I walked hastily down the east hall, figuring the waiting room would be at the end. The hospital usually was quite noisy, but this branch of it seemed too quiet. Almost all of the doors had been closed, muffling the sounds of talking and televisions playing the late-night news. There was only one door open, and the faint sound of crying could be heard from within the room. Seeing as it _was_ a hospital, I didn't think much of it, at least not until I could distinguish a voice.

 _"_ _It's not fair! Mum and Dad are splitting and your lying here, practically dead! Why did I have to get caught up in all of this? Why can't things be the way they used to be?"_ The last sentence was spoken with such sadness it made my heart throb, but at the same time a sick feeling washed over me. _I knew that voice._ I knew it so well, I had heard it a million times, just never like this. Daring to step closer, I peeked through the rectangular door window. I couldn't see much because of how dark the room was, but I could make out the silhouette of a boy sitting next to a hospital bed.

 _"_ _Please, just come back."_

A loud creaking ripped through the air like a bullet. I had leaned against the door on accident, pushing it opened.

The figure spun around, the hall light shining on his face enough for me to see him.

"Who's that? What are you doing?" He cried, jumping up and walking angrily towards the door.

Still shocked at what I had seen, I turned on my heel and began running down the hall. I couldn't let him see me, I had to find somewhere to hide. I noticed a janitor's closet, and tested the doorknob, it was unlocked. Making sure to be quiet, I closed the door and leaned back against the wall, trying to catch my breath. I still couldn't believe it. That boy…

It was Anthony.

 **A/N: Was this chapter too boring? I need to do work yikes**


	19. Chapter 16

**Which version of My Chemical Romance's "Cancer" do you prefer? The original or the Twenty One Pilots one?**

 **Even though I like TOP better than MCR (they're good, I just never really got into them) , I kind of prefer the original one, but the top one is really good so it's a close tie.**

 **WOW LONGEST CHAPTER I HAVE EVER DONE WITH 2, 494 WORDS.**

 **I kinda want to divide it into two chapters so I don't have to worry about writing the next one for a while but I don't think enough happens in this chapter that is super exciting for me to do that.**

 **Phil's POV:**

My foot bounced up and down nervously. I seemed to have entered some odd state of hyper-awareness. The once quiet ticking of a clock echoed though me like a second heartbeat. The tenuous flicker of that one celling light in the corner had turned to a violent strobe. My anxiety levels were steadily crawling back up.

 _No, no, no. Not again._ A sharp pain crawled over my head as I raked my nails across my scalp, tugging at my hair. The walls were closing in and blackness swam in front of my eyes.

 _Just calm down it's okay, it will be over soon._

 ** _No it won't_**

I needed to get out of this waiting room, I needed to do something besides sitting. I stood up and began blindly running towards the exit. I just made it around the corner before colliding with some thing, hard. I tried to step back but lost my balance and fell, taking down what I presumed was another human with me. The collision seemed to be enough to knock me back into reality.

"Owww…" I heard someone groan. I felt a slight movement under my stomach and realized I was lying on their arm.

"Oh, sorry!" I pushed myself up enough for the boy to remove his limb.

"Phil?"

I looked up at the boy.

"Dan…"

Before I could say anything else I was enveloped in a hug, nearly being pushed back to the ground.

"I'm so glad you're okay…" Dan whispered, tightening his grip.

I smiled sadly. "I don't think that's the best word to describe me at the moment."

Dan leaned back, his expression suddenly dropping. "What happened?"

Sighing, I stood up slowly. "C'mon." I held out my hand to Dan, helping him up. "I'll tell you while we walk."

 **Dan's POV:**

"So um, my dad was never a very… fatherly person." Phil started.

We were walking down the hospital hallway, I just wasn't sure where we were going. "Meaning…?" I raised my eyebrow, signing for elaboration.

"He…" Phil stopped, seemingly loosing his will to speak.

"Phil?" I stopped walking. "What did he do?"

Phil was looking at me but his mind was somewhere else. "Phil?" I reached out and gently laid my hand on his shoulder. The dark-haired boy jumped, and I quickly recoiled my hand.

"Sorry, I…Its been a long night…"He gave a fake smile as a tear ran down his cheek.

"Phil?"

The smile slipped off his face and the little bit of light left in his eyes dulled. A small wave of trembles quickly escalated into shaking sobs.

"My life is horrible, Dan." Phil slowly slid down the wall until he was sitting on the floor.

I squatted so that we were once again eye leveled. "Phil…"

"My dad has abused me relentlessly, he almost killed me tonight..."

"He _what?_ " I gasped.

"…my mom doesn't give a crap about what's going on at home. I'm a suicidal, anxiety stricken mess who will probably develop PTSD before I leave highschool…"

I sat there with my mouth hanging open. I thought back to the times when I was rude to my mom and felt ashamed, I was one of the lucky ones.

"Even you, one of the few good people who has come into my life, were at one point hurtful to me."

A wave of shame and guilt washed through me. I wanted to apologize again but I knew it would be pointless to say anything.

"I just want to be _happy,_ Dan. Is that too much to ask?" Phil choked out.

I gently smoothed his hair down. Seeing him so vulnerable like this was enough to make me want to cry as well. "No, you deserve all of the happiness in the world, Phil. You don't deserve any of this."

I wanted to say something more to comfort him, but there was really nothing I could say. I just pulled him closer as he cried.

 **Phil's POV**

My sobbing slowly lessened into sniffles as I began to calm down. I didn't know what was wrong with me: one minute I was fine—fine for me at least—and suddenly I was on the floor crying. Maybe it was just the mental trauma of this all and the lack of sleep taking its toll.

"Are you feeling any better?" Dan asked.

"A little, yeah."

"That's good… Do you want to continue now?"

I felt foolish, being talked to like a little kid it didn't help that the one comforting me was a peer, not even an adult. "Um, yeah. Lets go." I stood up, trying to make myself look as calm as I could.

"You…" Dan hesitated, no doubt afraid I would break down again. "You were telling me about your dad?"

I nodded, taking a deep breath before walking slowly towards my father's hospital room. "My mum worked up the guts to divorce my dad last summer. He had been hitting and yelling at her almost nightly. When I was younger he was only ever like that after a couple of drinks, but recently it had started happening when he was sober too. The original plan was for me to stay with Mum, but then she realized that her new job would require hours that would be "inconvenient for me".

To tell you the truth, I think that was just an excuse for her to get rid of me." Dan cast me a look of pity, but remained silent. "Dad had usually only hit Mum before, but after she left I was all he had. It was like he made me into his personal servant: I was always doing his taxes, cleaning up his dishes, preparing him a hangover breakfast. On some days, school seemed like a vacation compared to what was happening at home. Recently the abuse had been getting worse, and last night was what I guess you could call the climax." I paused. It was hard to believe that all this happened mere hours ago, it seemed like it had been days. **(that's what happens when the author takes too long to upload, smh)**

"I...I was washing the dishes, and I didn't know he was behind me. I turned around and dropped what I was holding and the dish broke. He-he got _really_ angry, it was the worst I had ever seen him, then he grabbed a bottle and hit be across the head." I pushed my fringe back, showing Dan the purple and yellow bruise that was beginning to form.

"Oh my gosh…" Dan stared slack-jawed at the mark. "Over a plate?!"

I gave a dry laugh. "I think it was more over me being a worthless piece of crap than the dish."

"Don't say that!"

"Well it's true. At least, to him it is… Anyway, after he hit me I passed out. The blow left some minor brain damage, but I should recover. I was woken up by a police officer a bit later. It turns out my dad…" my mouth went dry. "My dad… h-he hit another car on the way home from work, and the passengers, they died."

Dan's gaze dropped to the floor. "Oh."

We were both silent for a while.

"So, where are we going?" Dan finally asked.

"My dad's hospital room.

"Wait, you mean he's not at the police station?"

"No, not yet. Turns out he had a few injuries from the wreck, fractured hand bone or something like that. Not to mention he's still drunk. I didn't want to see him at all, but the doctors insisted. Something about me needing closure."

"Are you sure you want me there?" Dan began. "That seems pretty personal, I don't-"

"I want you there." I turned towards Dan. "I don't want to be alone."

Dan nodded sympathetically. "If that's what you want, then I'll be there."

…

We turned a corner and were immediately greeted by a doctor talking to an officer in a hushed voice. They quickly stopped when they noticed me.

"Hi, you must be Phillip." The doctor took my hand and shook it. "I'm Dr. Miles." Dr. Miles turned towards Dan. "And who is this?"

"Dan Howell, sir." Dan held out his hand. "I'm a friend of Phil's."

The doctor nodded. "Did you want him to come in with you?"

"Yeah, if that's alright…" I hesitated before adding, "Also, if it's ok, could you all wait out here? I don't really feel comfortable talking openly with people I don't know well around…"

"Oh of course! But if things get out of hand we will be right out here, okay?"

I nodded, glancing nervously at the cracked door.

"Everything will be fine." Dan whispered grabbing my hand and giving it a quick squeeze.

I nodded, taking a deep breath before walking into the room.

My dad was lying on his back, one hand handcuffed to the bed.

"Phil, I was wondering when I would see you."

"Dad." This whole 'talking' thing suddenly seemed a lot more difficult.

Dad's gaze drifted to Dan. "And who's pretty boy over there?"

"Dan." I felt the brunet stiffen behind me. "He's a friend of mine." I stood a bit straighter, suddenly feeling defensive.

"Huh… didn't know you had friends…"

Ignoring the previous comment, I stepped forward. "Why did you do it?"

"Do what?"

"All of that abuse, to both me and Mum, what was it for?"

Dad pushed himself into a sitting position. "To keep you in your place. Particularly you. I hoped if I was tough enough on you ya might get fixed somehow."

" _Fixed?_ Fixed from what?! I was fine until _you_ ruined my life!"

"You were born wrong Phil!" He raised his voice, triggering an immediate wave of panic to come over me. "Ever since the day you were born you have been a useless faggot! Of course I'm to blame, not sure what other sort of kid I could expect to get out of a weak, lying whore like your mom. Wish she just listened to me and got an abortion."

Anger was rising quickly inside of me.

"Phil, he wants you to be angry." Dan whispered quietly, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Try and stay calm."

"Oh, is he your boyfriend? I should have known, he has the same scrawny, no good look about him." An awful smirk crawled on to my dad's face. This was a game to him.

"We aren't dating." I stated bluntly. I regretted it when I felt Dan draw his hand away quickly and step back.

Dad shrugged, cleaning the dirt out from under his nails. "Not surprised, it's very hard to love someone as problematic and helpless as you." I would know, your mom was the same way. A dumb, slutty gold digger who slept with more men than she could count. At leas there's some hope you're not my son."

"SHUT UP!" I screamed. "DO YOU THINK I ASKED TO HAVE YOU AS A PARENT? DO YOU THINK I'M GLAD TO EVEN KNOW YOU? YOU'RE A SICK, CRUEL BASTARD AND I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL FOR IT!" My dad looked at me with a shocked expression that quickly turned to rage.

"What did you just say to me?" He asked, standing up next to the bed and using his free hand to pull me towards him.

"I-I…"

He seized me by the neck, lifting me a few inches off the ground.

"You know, I almost shot you last night." My dad whispered in a deadly silent tone. "I had the gun right up to your head."

My vison began to go fuzzy as I tried to push him away.

"I'm not sure why I didn't pull that trigger, but God knows I wish I had."

I was suddenly released from his grip and crumpled to the floor. I looked up to see what had stopped him from almost killing me—again.

I felt my jaw drop as Dan punched my father across the face for what looked to be the second or third time.

 _You idiot…_

Of course my dad was a large man, so once he realized who he was up against he didn't have a chance.

"Dan, move!" I tried to yell but it came out in a scratchy whisper.

Dan tried to step back, but he was too slow. A large fist collided with his stomach and he went sprawling backwards.

The door flew open and the doctor and officer rushed in, quickly getting to my dad and trying to hold him down.

"Phil! Phil are you alright?" Dan rushed towards me, grabbing me by the arm and pulling me away from my dad.

"I-" my voice was quiet and it hurt to talk.

Dr. Miles, still holding my father down, looked back at us. "Get out of here!"

Dan wasted no time helping me up and dragging me out into the hallway.

"H-how's your stomach?" I wheezed, sitting down on the floor.

"Shh don't talk, you'll hurt yourself." Dan avoided my question.

"Dan."

"Okay, okay, it hurts, but I'll be fine. Just worry about yourself right now, okay?" Dan sat next to me.

I nodded reluctantly, leaning back against the wall.

My dad's angry yelling ceased, and Dr. Miles came back out.

"Phil!" Dr. Miles quickly walked over and stooped next to me, examining the bruising on my neck. "I am so, so sorry we didn't get in there quicker."

"It's okay." I muttered hoarsely.

"Here, Officer Blackson is still in the room if you need him, I'm going to go get you some water and a bit of medicine, okay?"

I raised my hand, drawing his attention. "And an icepack, for Dan."

Dr. Miles nodded before hurriedly walked out of sight.

I closed my eyes with a sigh, resting my head against the wall. "You shouldn't have done that."

"He was going to kill you, the crazy b*tch."

"You could have," I coughed weakly. "Gotten them instead."

"I'm not always the best in stressful situations. Now stop talking, you need to give your throat a break." Dan spoke softly, giving me a tired, but caring smile.

I tried to return one but It probably looked more like a grimace.

I could feel myself slowly drifting off to sleep, my head slowly leaning onto Dan's shoulder.

 _"_ _You know, I almost shot you last night. I had the gun right up to your head."_ My dad's voice echoed in my head. It was terrifying. There was a huge difference from thinking someone wants you dead and knowing they actually almost killed you.

 _I could have actually died. None of this would be happening now. Dan would be at home, asleep. Dad would still be on his way to jail while I'd be on my way to the morgue…_

The thought scared me, but I could think of nothing else.

The same sentence echoed through my head over and over again as I drifted out of consciousness:

 _He almost killed me._

 **A/N: wow that was very long.**

 **I never feel super good about my chapters. Like they're good I guess but I need to work on my writing style.**

 **Comment ideas for stuff to happen, if I like it and can work it into the ideas I have for the next chapters I might use it.**

 **Ok but the reason this is so unorganized and people keep having to remind me "um, didn't you say _ in chapter three?" is bc I'm literally winging this 100% lol**

 **School tomorrow: I'm gonna go cry now. Bye.**


	20. Chapter 17

**Sorry this is late, for those of you who don't know I had to evacuate because of the hurricane and then I had school so yeah I've been busy.**

 **Also, I think I like top's cover of cancer better now…**

 **(suggest me a song to listen to pls x)**

 **Dan's POV (This is gonna be all Dan, I've had some like this with Phil but not with Dan yet.)**

"What time is it?" I asked Phil sleepily.

"4:56." His voice was still quite raspy from when he had gotten strangled earlier, and he now had a few cold packs lying across his neck to help with any swelling.

I groaned. "I still have to go to school tomorrow—well, _today-_ and make it back before mum realizes I'm gone. I think I should leave soon…"

Phil nodded, his eyelids half closed. I doubt he understood anything I said.

Doctor Miles had brought Phil and I to a spare room hospital room with two beds in it for us to lie down on. Phil had asked several times if he could just go home with me (since he didn't plan on going back to his house any time soon) but because Phil was still a minor, he wasn't allowed to go home without a parent or guardian. Phil's mum was the only blood-relative of Phil's they could find that was healthy enough to take care of him, but they had failed to make contact with her. The most recent update we had been given was that they were going to keep trying to reach her, but until then Phil would be assigned a hospital room to stay in.

I was sure if Mum heard the whole story, she would be more than happy to let Phil stay in the spare room. At least, I hoped. It was always a bit lonely with Dad leaving for several days or even weeks at a time when work required him to. We could use the company.

Phil mumbled something I couldn't understand.

"What was that?"

"Have you come out to your parents?" He mumbled slightly louder.

"Oh… No, I guess I haven't." I realized with surprise. I hadn't been deliberately hiding it from them, but I was still hesitant to come out since they had kept their opinions so blurry. **(probably just to hide that they're secretly a furry.)**

"Hmm." Phil hummed, pulling his knees closer to his chest.

"Why?" I tried to ask, but Phil was already asleep.

I sighed, rolling over and staring at the ceiling, I really had to get home. I didn't want to leave Phil alone even though I knew he was safe, but unless I wanted my mom to freak out and call the police when she realized I was missing, I needed to get home.

…

"Someone must have stayed up late." Mum grinned cheekily as I walked into the kitchen.

 _You have no idea._

"Yeah, I had lots of homework." I lied, grabbing a mug and pouring myself some coffee.

My Mum rolled her eyes. "What have been telling you about starting your homework earlier?"

I groaned loudly.

"Okay then grumpy, I'm headed off to work, make sure you don't miss the bus. Oh, and remember your father gets back from his business trip tonight!"

"That's tonight?" with everything going on, I had completely forgotten…

"Yes, so make sure your room is clean before tonight."

I groaned again as she kissed me on the forehead and left for work.

…

Long over were the days that I sauntered into school like I owned the place. I would now enter on the side door, sticking close to the walls and keeping my head down.

Since I had a falling out with my former group of friends, they had quite shockingly kept their distance. There had been several occasions where they had pushed me into a locker or down some steps, but that was really it. A thrilled as I was, I couldn't help but wonder why.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. I took it out to see I had a message from Phil.

 _Phil: I'm so tired, I want to sleep but my neck hurts every time I move, they had to put a brace on me._

 ** _Awe phil, I hope you feel better_** ** _L_**

 _Phil: Me too. When did you leave?_

 ** _A little after you fell asleep_**

 _Phil: Oh okay. Do you think you'll be able to stop by later?_

 ** _I don't think so, my dad is coming home today so idk if ill have time_**

 _Phil: Oh, ok_

 ** _I'm sorry_**

 _Phil: It's fine, maybe I can get more sleep_

 ** _Hope so. I'm gonna ask my mum if you can stay with us tonight_**

 _Phil: Yay!_

 ** _Ikr. I want to talk more but I have class ;-;_**

 _Phil: Awe_

 ** _Yeah, ttyl xx_** I stared at the two X's and hesitated before hitting 'send'

 _Phil: Ttyl xx_

It was weird how happy a couple of X's could make you.

…

My Dad's car was in the driveway when I arrived home. I couldn't help but feel like a little kid again as I rushed inside, throwing my bag on the ground and making my way to the kitchen. A dark-haired man was sitting at the table, reading something on his iPhone.

"Dad!" I grinned, walking over to give him a hug.

"Dan! How've you been?"

"Pretty good." I lied with a smile.

"Good to hear!"

Mum pulled a pizza out of the oven, setting it on the stove top. "Dinners ready Dan, go wash your hands." The delicious aroma of pizza in the air, I hurried off to the bathroom.

My mom had just finished setting down plates when I got back, and my dad had already started to eat.

"Couldn't you wait for the rest of us, Jared?" My mum sighed.

My father grouchily dropped his slice of pizza back onto his plate, only to take another bite when Mum turned around.

I smiled to myself as I took a seat. It was nice having everyone here for once.

"So how's school been?" My dad asked as my mum sat down.

"Hellish."

"Not much has changed then?"

I hesitated before speaking. "Well, I got in an argument with my friends, we don't really talk anymore…"

My Mum let out small sigh. "Well to be honest with you Dan, you've been much happier since you left them."

My dad nodded in agreement. "I wasn't going to mention it, but your mum is right, you're a lot less of an asshole then you were the last time I was here."

I tried to look annoyed, but smiled anyway. One thing I loved about my dad was that he said things as they were.

"While we're on the topic of social lives, do you have a girlfriend yet?"

The entire room suddenly grew uncomfortably still as my parents waited for me to answer.

"No, not yet."

"My dad chuckled. "How long are you going to make me wait Dan? I want to have grandkids you know."

I forced myself to smile, although I was screaming inside.

 _You have to tell them Dan, they would find out eventually._ I tried to coax myself into coming out.

 _Of course I could wait a bit longer… No, I had to do this._

"I'm bisexual." I blurted out.

My Mum and dad both looked up in surprise.

I could feel my face heating up.

"Dan…" My dad started.

 _Here it goes, the 'you're jut confused/this is just a phase' speech._ I held my breath, waiting for his disappointed tone to cut through the awkwardness.

"With a haircut like that, how could you not be?"

I looked at my Dad in shock. "I- _what?_ "

 **(No offense, I love d &p's hair, I just needed to throw shade) **

"What your dad means to say," My mum spoke up. "is that as long as your happy, we're happy." She smiled warmly, taking my hand and squeezing it.

I stared at her, my mouth hanging open. " _Really?_ "

"Of course Dan." My dad smiled.

Tears pricked my eyes. "I- Thank you so much," I sniffed. "I love you guys."

"We love you too honey." Mum smiled.

….

The house had seemed a bit cheerier since I had told my parents about my sexuality, although it was probably just me.

Dinner had been finished and my dad was washing dishes—he tried to help out a lot when he was at home—while my Mum was reading a book on the couch.

I had already gotten one big topic out of the way, but I still had to ask if Phil could live with us. My parents accepting my bisexuality was one thing, but asking if we could add someone to our house? I didn't know how they would react to that. But I had to do what I could, I had to ask.

"Mum?"

"Yes?"

"I need a favor."

 **Ik I kinda say this a lot and you're all like "no, no it's a great story" (thanks) but this story is kinda mediocre. Like it's not my actual writing style I have a issue with, I'm actually quite happy with how much that's improved since ch. 1 (cringe) its just this story is so unorganized and had to take a break halfway through because I was freaking out about god knows what and in general the plot has a bunch of holes in it**

 **I mean I think my general plot is pretty good and my writing style changes a bit but its ok too, it just unorganized is the only issue. Its gotten better now, just the earlier stuff.**

 **Sorry for the super long A/N and thanks if you read all of it x**


	21. Chapter 18

**A/N: I HOPE YOURE HAPPY ASHLEY**

 **OK SO I HAVE LIKE HALF THE CHAPTER WRITTEN AND LIKE FIFTY MINUTES AND IM ORETTY SURE THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG CHAPTER WHY DO I PROCRASTINATE UHG**

 **Idk how I feel about this, it feels a bit rushed at first, but I think I redeem myself at the end *winks aggressively***

 **My chapters seem to be getting longer**

 **WC: 2,439**

My parents—now both sitting on the couch—stared at me blankly.

"So let me get this straight," My mum shook her head. "You want to see if he can _live_ with us?"

"Just for two years, until he can move out on his own." **(I don't think I said their ages but if I did and this is wrong pls tell me)**

My dad sighed, giving my mum a tired expression.

I had spent the past half hour telling them _everything._ Well, I might have left out the parts about Phil and I kissing, but they really didn't need to know that.

When I began explaining the kind of person I used to be, they were clearly disappointed, not that I expected any different. Although I did my best to assure them that I wasn't like that anymore.

"You do understand what you're asking us Dan? This is a big deal."

"I know Mum, but please, he needs a place to stay or he'll be shipped off to some shabby old building filled with crying, parentless kids!"

My mum gave a knowing glance to my father before letting out a sigh and turning back to me. "We want to meet him first. If that goes well, then we will look into getting him situated in the guest room.

"You mean it?!" I leapt up.

"Surprisingly, yes." Mum smiled wearily.

"Thank you!" I dove onto my parents, enveloping them in a hug.

After setting up a few more details, I ran upstairs and texted Phil.

 ** _PHILLLLLLLLLLLLL_**

 _Phil: yeah?_

 ** _MY MUM SAID THAT YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH UP BUT SHE WANTS TO MEET YOU FIRST!_**

 _Phil: omg, are u serious?! :D When?!_

 ** _She wanted to come tmmrw around five, is that okay?_**

 _That's great! I cant wait!_

 ** _I know!_**

*several minutes of silence*

 _I got to meet one of the victims today._

 ** _How'd that go?_** Phil had been pretty anxious to meet and apologize to whoever his dad hit.

 _It was a seven year old girl, her mum was killed on impact and she's going to be paralyzed from the waist down for the rest of her life. I told her how sorry I was and how my dad was a bad person who was going to go to jail, and that I didn't like him either. You know what she told me?_

 ** _Oh my gosh…. what?_**

 _She told me she forgave him, that her mommy always told her to forgive people, because if they did something bad then that means they have had something bad done to them too, and they just don't know how to be happy again._

 ** _Oh_**

 ** _I don't even know what to say_**

 _Neither did I, I just hugged her and cried._

 ** _Life is sad._**

 _Yeah_

 _I'm really exhausted so I'm gonna go now._

 ** _Goodnight_**

 _Goodnight x_

 **PHIL'S POV**

The day dragged on slowly as I waited in anticipation for five o'clock to come. I couldn't believe this was actually happening.

It was 5:05 when I heard a knock on my door and a nurse stepped in accompanied by Dan and his parents.

"Dan." I grinned.

"Hey." Dan smiled back, taking a seat at the bottom of my hospital bed.

"Mr. and Mrs. Howell, I'm so glad to finally meet you!" I exclaimed, turning to face the couple.

Mrs. Howell smiled, and began to say something but stopped as Mr. Howell walked over to me with a dead-pan expression, shook my hand and said, "Hi, so glad to finally meet you, I'm Dad."

We all groaned.

…

The next hour or so was filled with light conversation and generic questions.

 _"_ _What's your favorite subject?"_

 _"Have any siblings?"_

 _"_ _What career do you want when you grow up?"_

Finally, the subject of me moving in was brought up.

"Well Phil, you seem like a lovely person, and we'd be more than happy to let you stay at our house."

I smiled breathlessly. "Thank you! I don't really have any money right now, but once I get settled I can find a job and pay rent if you'd like, I hate for you to have to spend all the extra money.

"Oh don't even think about that. We're practically adopting you, you don't need to pay rent!" Mrs. Howell brushed off my offer.

"So when can he move in?" Dan asked eagerly.

"As soon as he wants. I mean I assume you still need to get your bags, but the hospital staff finally managed to contact your mum, and she gave us the permission to let you stay with us. She will be coming to visit soon, of course. After hearing what happened she wanted to come home as soon as possible. "

I seriously doubted Mum would be home within the next month, but that didn't matter to me right now. All I cared about was the fact I would actually be living in a safe home with people who cared about me. I'd be living with Dan.

 **DAN'S POV**

I felt like a little kid again as I sat on the steps, waiting anxiously for my Mum to get home from picking up Phil. I wanted to go with her, but she left when I was still in school. Her and Phil had decided on getting him moved in the very next day so she left to pick him up and help him pack nearly three hours ago. I had been staring at the door since I got home.

When I finally heard a car pulling into the driveway, I sprinted outside faster than I knew was possible for me. Phil was standing next to Mum, helping her take his bags out of the trunk.

"Need any help with that?" I was over enthusiastic to get Phil unpacked and situated, even if it meant struggling to pull a suitcase up the stairs.

"Yes actually." My mum pulled a suit case out of the trunk and handed it to Phil. Get that over there." She motioned to a cloth bag full of toiletries. "Now why don't you show Phil to his room?" My mom suggested.

I nodded, picking up one of Phil's bags and motioning for him to follow me.

I led him upstairs, passing my room and leading him to the last door on the hall.

"Sorry it's a bit plain…" I opened the door and lead Phil in. "It's usually meant for elderly family members." I explained, glancing at the out of date decoration and bland color scheme. "I'm sure I have a few extra _Muse_ posters you could use to make it a bit more colorful."

Phil walked into the room, looking around with interest before turning back to me and smiling. "It's great, Dan. Thank you."

I shrugged. "No problem."

"No really." Phil's smile had lessened. "Thank you. Like I would actually be in an orphanage or a foster home or something if I couldn't stay here."

"No one deserves everything you went through Phil, it's the least we could do." Although the conversation was over, we held the other's gaze for a bit longer before Phil finally cleared his throat uncomfortably. "I should probably unpack."

"Oh um, yeah. Do you need help or…?"

Phil shook his head. "No, thanks though."

"Okay, I'll go see how long till dinner is ready." I tried to walk out of the room, but instead ran into the wall.

Phil burst out into a fit of muffled laughter. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I um just uh, I'm-Imgonnagocheckondinner." I could feel my face heating up as Phil's quiet laughter followed me down the hall.

 **Phil's POV**

I unpacked most of my stuff pretty quickly. I didn't do the neatest job of folding my clothes, but there were more important things in life than that. Exhausted, I flopped back onto the white queen-sized bed. It was a measurable step up from the hospital cot. The mattress was so comfortable, I guess I could take a quick break from packing…

I must have been more tired than I remembered, because the next thing I knew Dan was shaking me awake.

"Phil?"

"What?" I blinked groggily, trying to focus on the hazy image of Dan's face hovering over mine.

"You fell asleep."

I groaned, pushing myself into a sitting position. "Oh yeah." I muttered, rubbing my eyes.

Dan laughed, shaking his head slightly. "I brought you some food." He handed me a box of Chinese food and a plastic fork. "Mum was going to cook a formal meal, but she decided you would probably want to get unpacked more than you would want to eat. We'll have something better tomorrow night.

"Oh no, this is great. Thanks." I took the dish from him and began eating.

"Well as much as I'd like to stay and talk, I have math homework, so I'm going to go sit in my room and cry for an hour." Dan gave me an obviously fake smile.

"Same." I laughed.

"Call me if you need anything, or even if you don't. Anything to procrastinate my homework."

I shook my head, laughing. "Just get out."

I was too busy eating **(same)** to notice the way Dan glanced at me as he exited the room.

…

I had been lying in bed for over an hour, unable to fall asleep. It always took me several days to get used to staying at a new place.

Knowing I wouldn't be able to sleep any time soon, I decided to unpack some more. I got up and was about to unzip my bag when I heard the delicate sound of music drifting down the hallway. Confused, I opened my door, and stepped into the hall. Dan's bedroom door was cracked, letting a thin sliver of amber light into the hallway. I could hear the music better now, and realized it was coming from a piano.

I pushed the door open enough for me to look in the room. Dan was sitting on a bench, facing the instrument, his back turned towards me. His fingers slid gently over the keys, a soft, familiar tune wrapping itself around my mind. And although it was faint, I could hear him singing quietly.

 _"_ _Cause the hardest part of this, is leavin' you."_

The boy continued playing for a few more minutes, until the song finally ended, the last note fading into the night.

"I didn't know you could play piano."

Dan jumped so bad I was surprised he didn't fall out of his seat. He quickly spun around, the shocked expression on his face illuminated by a soft, yellow glow. "Phil, when the hell did you get there?"

"Sorry, I should have knocked." I ran a hand through my hair guiltily.

Dan muttered something in agreement.

"You're very good by the way." I didn't have to see his face to know he was blushing.

"T-thanks." Dan brushed his fringe out of his eyes nervously.

Not knowing what to say, we stood in an awkward silence.

"You're up late Daniel." I finally muttered, leaning against the doorframe.

Dan let out a huff of laughter. "I could say the same for you, Phillip. Why're you up? I thought you'd be asleep in a second."

I shrugged. "I'm practically sleepwalking right now, I just have too much on my mind to actually relax."

"Understandable." Dan mumbled.

"Why are _you_ up?" I countered.

Dan shrugged. "Sometimes I just get an urge to play piano at…" Dan glanced at his clock. "one thirty in the morning."

"Do you ever get caught by your parents?"

"Nah, it would take God himself to wake them up." Dan shook his head and grinned.

I glanced at the small piano and back at Dan. "Can you play something for me?"

Dan looked surprised. "Oh um, I don't know…I mean I'm really not that good…"

"Oh that's BS, you're amazing!" I gave Dan a playful punch to the shoulder.

The brunet shrugged dismissively.

"Please play something? For me?" I pouted, poking him in the arm,

Dan rolled his eyes. "Fine, but just once. And I'm choosing the song."

I grinned happily, bouncing on the balls of my feet.

Dan walked back over to the piano, taking a seat on the bench. He stared hesitantly at the keys, probably trying to think of a song to play. Finally, he pressed his fingers down on the keys, and a quiet G chord broke the silence.

 _"_ _Wise men say,"_ His voice was trembling slightly as he began singing, but he grew more confident with every word.

 _"_ _Only fools rush in, but I can't help, falling in love with you._

 _Shall I stay?_

 _Would it be a sin?_

 _Cause I cant help, falling in love with you._

 _Like a river flows, surely to the sea, darling so it goes, some things are meant to be._

 _Take my hand, take my whole life too,_

 _For I cant help, falling in love with you._

 _For I cant help falling in love with you."_

Dan let out a shaky breath, turning to face me. "I know my singing was a bit rough, I usually…Phil?"

"Dan…" I breathed. "That was, that was _beautiful_." There was no other way to put it. The song suited his voice well, his piano skills were flawless…I mean I might be a bit biased, but that was probably the best thing I had ever heard.

Dan blushed for the umpteenth time that night. "T-thanks"

"I'm serious, it was lovely."

Dan smiled shyly and stood up, I noticed his knees were trembling slightly. "Well, it is getting quite late, you should try to sleep. "

I nodded in agreement as Dan joined me by the door. "Yeah, you too."

"Sleep well then." Dan yawned.

"Yeah, you too." I bit my lip in hesitation before continuing. "Oh and um, Dan?"

"Mhm?"

"One more thing." I stepped forward, placing my hands on either side of Dan's head and pulled him into a kiss.

Dan made a surprised noise, tensing up in shock. It only took him a minute to regain his composure as he slid his arms around my waist. Now knowing he was okay with this, I pulled him closer. I was engulfed in the strong sent of vanilla and cologne, it seems like an odd combination, but holy crap it's amazing. I move one hand to his back, running the other one through his hair.

We finally pulled away from each other, wide-eyed.

" _Phil._ " Dan exclaimed, panting.

"Goodnight Dan." I smiled, giving him a quick wink.

Before he could say anything, I returned to my room and left him standing, dumb-struck in his door frame.

 **A/N: when it's Halloween but the only emotion you feel is dead inside**

 **I haven't felt festive for anything for the past two years .-.**


	22. Chapter 19

**A/N: I watched 21 episodes of attack on titan in 7 hours**

 **10/10 would do again, you guys should watch it**

 **I'm starting to like** ** _The Neighborhood._** **I've seen their logo everywhere but I never knew what it was from.**

 **Also, I literally just realized that if the quotation isn't the end of the sentence, you end with a "," not a "." Like: '"She told me so," the girl lied.' Is the right way of writing.**

 **I mean it's good I'm learning, but like half of this story is wrong. I'm not going to change it since I doubt you guys care that much, but I need to get into the habit of writing properly. (Don't judge me for not knowing this, my middle school teacher actually didn't teach us anything.)**

 **I'm giving y'all fluff rn, be happy. (I feel like nothing happens in this chapter, sorry** **L** **things will get eventful soon)**

 **Dan's POV**

I walked down the stairs groggily, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. I would have stayed asleep if the savory smell of bacon wasn't drifting up from the kitchen.

"Morning Dan," My mum chirped, hurrying around the kitchen.

"Morning," I sighed, walking over to the counter where the steaming plate of bacon was sat out.

I began to reach for a piece, but Mum quickly reached over and slapped my hand away.

"Wha-"

"We're eating as a family, wait for your father and Phil."

I gave her a skeptical look. "Since when do we eat breakfast together?"

"Since we have a new member in the house."

I appreciated my family's enthusiasm at having Phil here, but it was hard to be thankful when there was a pan of fresh pancakes taunting me from the counter.

"Fine, I guess I'll just starve..." I sighed a bit too dramatically as I sat down at the table.

"Well if your so eager to eat, why don't you go wake Phil up?" My mum muttered impatiently.

I didn't say anything, but gave another dramatic sigh as I stood up to let her know I heard what she said.

Memories of last night flooded my head as I began walking up the stairs.

 _Does Phil regret kissing me? Does this mean he forgives me?_

Other thoughts of similar context made me think it would be best to let Phil wake up on his own, but I was already standing in front of his bedroom door. I raised my hand to knock a few times before I actually made contact with the surface.

"Phil, You awake?" I leaned forward, listening for a response. "Breakfast is ready."

I heard nothing, and was about to knock again when the door swung open.

"Morning," Phil said, pushing his glasses up his nose.

"M-morning," I muttered. It was hard to concentrate of speaking when Phil's hair looked all messy and attractive. And since when did he have glasses?!

"I didn't know you need glasses."

"Yeah, I prefer contacts…" He muttered.

"They suit you," I blurted out.

Phil looked surprised. "Oh, um thanks."

"Y-yeah."

"So… did you sleep well?" Phil's smile was slowly beginning to change into a smirk as he leaned against the doorframe.

 _That cheeky little—_

"Yeah, what about you?"

"Mhm," Phil's gaze flickered up to my hair. "I like your hair curly," He muttered.

"You—what?" My hands flew up to my head. Sure enough, my hair seemed to have curled in my sleep. "Oh shut up…" I muttered, my face heating up.

"I'm serious," Phil took a strand of my hair between his fingers, pulling it and watching it bounce back into place. "It's cute," Phil gave me a flirtatious smile before pushing past me, walking down the steps.

"It's…Wait, what?"

 **Phil's POV**

Dan and I hadn't bothered changing, and were still in out pajamas around noon when Dan's mum walked into the living room.

"I'm going to run to the store, do you boys need anything?"

"No ma'am," Dan answered.

"Okay, your dad is out with some friends. If you need anything call me," She thought for a moment before continuing.

"Oh, and the nearest park is pretty close, if you get bored here then I'm okay with you two walking over there."

"Okay, bye Mum."

"Bye Mrs. Howell."

The woman gave us a quick smile and wave before walking out.

"Do you want to go out for lunch?" Dan asked. "There's a café on the way to the park."

"Yeah, that sounds nice," It was rather cold outside, so a cozy little café was the perfect place for lunch.

…

After an hour or so, Dan and I were both dressed and ready to go. Dan had desperately wanted to straighten his hair, but I wouldn't let him. We finally came to the agreement that he wouldn't straighten his hair, but I had to wear my glasses. Neither one of us were thrilled about this, but it was tolerable.

We were met with a brisk wind as we stepped outside. It was one of those deceiving wintery days, the ones where you look outside and it looks all sunny and warm but in reality it's near freezing.

We hadn't said much so far, and the walk was getting rather uneventful. Wanting to make things a bit more interesting, I took Dan's hand in mine, interlacing our fingers. I felt him stiffen beside me.

"You don't mind, do you?" I held up our hands, looking at Dan.

"Oh, no it's fine," Dan gave me a small, coy smile, glancing back down at our hands.

Our fingers remained intertwined until we made it to the café.

We placed our orders then took a seat in one of those circular booths in the corner.

"This is such a cute little café, isn't it?" Dan looked happily around the shop.

Tiny buckets of wildflowers adorned every table, lacy curtains lined the windows, making it seem less like a shop and more like a house. A retro, black and white tile pattern spread across the floor, pairing well with the light cream walls.

"Yeah, but you're cuter," I watched with satisfaction as Dan blushed crimson.

"Why are you dong this?" He asked.

"Doing what?" I suddenly felt a bit guilty, I hope I hadn't made him uncomfortable.

"I mean, it's not that I mind, but where is this all coming from? You just got out of the hospital and all the sudden your all cheery and flirty.

I sighed, running a hand through my hair. "The cheery part may be a bit of a mask… During the day I'm fine, I'm not completely happy, but I don't feel sad or anxious. I usually just feel a bit numb, like everything that happened was a dream. But at night, it's like my mind turns back on and I remember what mess I'm in. I haven't been sleeping well recently."

Dan gave me a look of pity, and was about to say something when the barista walked over to bring us our drinks.

"Vanilla Frappuccino and caramel latte," She said, setting down the two drinks.

We both muttered our thanks and took our drinks, sipping lightly from them

"I do forgive you, by the way," I eventually spoke up.

"Why?" Dan tilted his head slightly. "I mean, I'm thrilled, believe me, but what made you decide to?"

I smiled sadly. "Remember that little girl I told you about, the one from the hospital?" Dan nodded. "I realized that if she could forgive my dad for what he did, I could definitely forgive you. It's not like holding a grudge would do much anyway."

The corners of Dan's mouth turned up. "Thank you."

….

We spent the rest of the day walking around the park, talking away the minutes and walking away the hours. Before we knew it, the sun had set.

"Shouldn't we head back?" I asked, pulling my coat tighter around me.

"Yeah, I guess you're right,[OH1] but I want to show you something first," Dan grabbed my hand, pulling me down a road we hadn't gone down today.

"Where are we going?" I laughed, having to jog slightly in order to keep up with Dan's fast pace.

Dan just smiled slightly.

A few minutes later, Dan pulled me through the thick foliage of a bush, and we came into a small clearing. There was an old playground sitting in the middle, a few vines climbing up the slide.

"What's this?" I asked, walking up to the ancient play thing.

"My Mum used to take me here when I was little," Dan took a seat on one of the swings. "I guess I never stopped coming."

"It won't break, will it?" I cautiously tested out one of the swings.

"Only one way to find out," Dan laughed and began swinging.

I laughed, and joined him.

The swing set was meant for younger kids, so our height made it quite difficult to move, but we managed.

Once we were swinging dangerously high, Dan got my attention.

"Let's jump!"

" _What?!_ "

"Three, two—"

"Wait, what?!"

"One!" Dan flew out of the swing, landing in the soft grass with a loud thud.

We were both silent for a moment, then a loud burst of laughter split the air.

"That was _great_ ," Dan sat up, a childish light shining in his eyes. "C'mon, jump!" Dan urged me.

"I'm scared!" I yelled, only partly joking. Knowing my luck, I'd land in a hole and break my leg.

"That's okay, I'm here." Dan held his arms open, motioning for me to jump.

I sighed, rolling my eyes slightly at his cheesiness.

"Now let's go," Dan Began to count down. "Three, two, one!"

Trying not to think about everything that could go wrong, I leapt out of the swing.

I felt a slight sense of panic at the lack of a solid surface to hold onto, but the feeling washed away as the cold air hit my face, I felt free. The feeling lasted only for a minute, and suddenly I collided with Dan and we fell to the ground.

I rolled onto my back, panting. Dan's loud laughs pierced the cold at once again.

"Fun, isn't it?" Dan grinned, picking a strand of grass out of my hair.

"Yeah," I laughed breathlessly.

"Phil?" Dan rolled onto his side.

"Mhm?" I mimicked his motions.

"You mentioned you were having sleeping troubles earlier, if you ever need to talk, wake me up."

"Thanks Dan," I smiled shyly, gently taking his hand.

Dan grinned, leaning forward a bit and giving me a quick kiss on the nose.

" _Dan_ ," I giggled.

Dan laughed, rolling on his back and looking up at the stars.

"Phil?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm glad we met."

"Me too, Dan."

 **A/N: I hope that was cute and not boring. (It seems shorter than 1.2k+ words)**


	23. Chapter 20

**A/N: SURPRISE CHAPTER MOFO**

 **I'm on thanksgiving break so hopefully that means more updates. *wink wonk***

 **A page from Phil's journal**

 _Dear thin piece of dead tree,_

 _Sorry I haven't written in a while, there's been a lot going on. I don't feel like going into depth, but to sum it up:_

 _Dad hit and killed a woman while driving drunk, nearly killed me, then we both went to the hospital where he nearly killed me again, now I'm living with Dan Howell who I have forgiven and kind of have a major crush on. Whoops._

 _But that's not what I want to talk about right now. My depression is getting bad again. After my attempt I had several months of counseling, and my mental health got a lot better. I've been clean for around four months now, but I'm not sure how long I can keep it up. I haven't slept well for almost a week. I thought that maybe once I settled in to my new home, I would be able to get back to my normal self, but I don't think that's the case. During the day I put my self in a sort of box, I don't think about any of the crap that has happened the past few weeks, I walk around smiling and laughing like everything is fine. As the night grow closer the box falls apart and I don't just acknowledge these memories, I dissect them. I've replayed each one in my mind a hundred times, picking out every way I messed up or missed an opportunity to do something right for once._

 _I'm scared, it's like all of the sudden all I feel is panic, sadness, and nothingness. Well, I guess that's not completely true, there are moments where I feel happy, or at least some form of happiness. Like when Dan and I were swinging and we sat out beneath the stars, or when I can hear Dan quietly playing the piano (which he does often). In those moments I felt a sort of hopeful joy._

 _As unfortunate as it is, I can't live in these memories. So instead I sit on my bed, trying not to relapse or have a panic attack._

 _I've contemplated going to Dan on several occasions, he did tell me I could talk to him. But how do I explain what's wrong when I don't even know myself?_

 _I've got to go take a shower now, I'll write to you later._

 _-Phil_

 **Dan's POV**

"It's Sunday, Meaning we have school tomorrow, meaning we must have as much fun as possible today," I announced loudly as I walked into the lounge.

Phil looked up from his phone. "What are you suggesting?"

"I am suggesting that we order food and build a pillow fort," I looked at Phil with a dead-pan expression. "Shall we?"

Phil was obviously trying with great difficulty not to laugh. "We Shall.

…

About an hour later the living room was filled with pillows and blankets and a man with a box of pizza was at the door.

"Enjoy!" The delivery man said as he took his money.

"I'm sure I will." I muttered as I took the box from him.

"Say uh, are you seeing anyone?" The man asked, appearing hesitant.

I looked at the guy in shock. He was probably a few years older than me, and was quite attractive, no denying it, but what really surprised me was that I didn't know how to answer his question. _Was_ I seeing anyone?

Before I could answer, Phil came up behind me.

"Want me to take this to the lounge, _babe?_ " Phil's voice was unusually sweet as he wrapped an arm around my waist.

"I um…Sure...Philly…" The nickname came out more of a question than a statement.

"Oh, well have a nice day," The pizza man stated glumly, waving good bye.

"What was that about?" I asked, closing the door.

Phil shrugged. "I just thought he was making you uncomfortable…" Phil muttered.

I shook my head, a smirk resting on my face. "You were jealous, weren't you?"

Phil blushed. "I never said that."

"Whatever you say, _babe_."

Phil's face—if possible—turned more red than before. "Shut up."

...

The two of us returned to the living room, where a massive fort had been created using almost every blanket I owned.

"Are we done?" I asked, inspecting the blanket castle.

"I think so," Phil slid the pizza through the small flap we had left as a door, crawling in after it.

I joined Phil, finding a comfy place to lay among the pillows.

"Here," Phil slid the box of pizza to me, already eating a slice.

I took piece out, eagerly taking a bite. "I've found heaven," I sighed, looking at the food lovingly.

Conversation was scant as we ate.

Once I was full—too full, if I'm honest—I collapsed back down against the pillows, shortly followed by Phil.

"Pizza is food of the gods." I stated matter-of-factly.

Phil didn't respond, he just stared blankly up at the celling.

"Phil?" I gently bumped him on the shoulder. "You okay?"

Phil jumped, looking startled. "Oh yeah, sorry I was just… thinking."

"Hm," I gave him a skeptical look.

Phil had been acting a bit different lately. He still smiled and laughed and joked around, but it seemed more… _forced_. I'd make a funny comment and he would hesitate before laughing, like he had to think about it. Any time I asked if he was feeling okay, I'd get a very unconvincing 'yes'. There was something wrong, I just didn't know how to find out what. I decided that until I found a solution, I would do anything I could to make Phil happy. Even if was only for a few seconds.

We continued to lay in silence until Phil spoke again. "Dan?" He muttered quietly, turning to look at me.

"Yeah?"

"I'm worried about going back to school, I don't want to deal with Anthony and the rest of them again."

My eyes widened. "Oh my gosh, I completely forgot."

"What?"

"when I was at the hospital, I saw Anthony talking to someone in a hospital bed, he sounded so upset."

Phil looked surprised. "Really?"

I nodded. "He almost saw me but I managed to get away."

Phil bit his lip. "Do you think he's one of those people that hurts others because he's hurting? I'd hate to think that he might lose someone he loves…"

I stared at Phil with admiration. How was it, that after all Anthony has done to Phil, he can still be worried that something bad will happen to the kid?

"Don't worry about it, I'm sure it's nothing," I gave Phil a small smile, brushing a strand of hair away from his eyes. "And I won't let them hurt you."

"How are you going to manage that?" A small smile slipped onto Phil's face.

"I'm going to fight them."

Phil stared at me for a minute before bursting out into laughter.

"What's so funny?"

Phil grinned shaking his head. "You've got a mean punch, Dan—trust me, I know—but do you really think you can take on four other boys at the same time?"

"Phil, I'd fight the devil if it would make you happy," I cupped Phil's face gently in my hand, giving him a soft smile. I noticed for the first time that he had a bit of stubble.

Phil blushed, burying his head in the blankets. "Shut up…"

I let out a soft laugh. "What do you say we watch a movie, hm?"

Phil nodded and I grabbed my laptop from across the fort, opening it up to Netflix.

We only made it a few minutes into the film before I noticed Phil had fallen asleep, his head resting lightly on my shoulder.

I smiled, brushing the hair out of his eyes and tucking it gently behind his ear. "Sleep well, Philly."

 **Phil's POV- 6:30 am, Monday Morning.**

I sulked into the bathroom, sleep deprived and numb. The last seven hours in which I should have been sleeping I spent pulling at my own hair and listing off things in my life that sucked.

I turned the shower on, making it uncomfortably hot. Maybe the scalding water would allow me to feel something. Pulling my pajamas off, which were now slightly damp from sweat, I stepped in the shower.

I was dreading school; how would people react to me returning? I had Dan to help me now, although he couldn't do much to stop the taunting either…

The rest of my shower consisted of a similar mindset, until I finally turned off the water.

Wrapping a towel tightly around my torso, I walked over to the sink, searching for a razor to shave. I had an electric one I usually used, but I was yet to unpack it, and I really didn't feel like trying to find it now.

After several minutes of rummaging through the drawers, I found a regular razor that I would suffice and began shaving. Although the act was entirely innocent, my mind began to drift into dark places.

 _I could use the razor to cut myself again, after all, that's what I did the other times I felt nothing…_

I really didn't want to relapse, but the idea was tempting. I pulled the razor away from my jaw, eyeing the blade.

 _What if I just did one small cut, that couldn't do much harm, could it?_

I slowly brought the object down to my wrist, pressing it against my skin. The way it was created meant that any cut it made wouldn't be deep, but it would be enough. I was about to slide it against my skin when a sudden noise surprised me, causing me to drop the razor.

"Phil, hurry up, I need to brush my teeth." Dan's groggy voice drifted through the door.

"Yeah, sorry." I muttered, quickly setting the blade back down and grabbing my clothes. I had chosen black skinny jeans and a dark grey v-neck, it reflected my current mood quite well.

I stepped out into the hall where Dan was leaning up against the wall. His hair curly and tangled and covering the side of his face. He looked hot.

"It usually takes me fifteen minutes to walk to school, so be ready in thirty," He mumbled, stepping past me into the bathroom.

I nodded, hurrying off to straighten my hair. I know I should be glad Dan distracted me before I could relapse, but the numb, hollow feeling within me begged to differ.

 **A/N: Idk how I feel about this chapter, oh well. Im super tired and I think I'm sick**


	24. Chapter 21

**A/N: I'm so happy for Dan and Phil and everything they've done.**

 **Lmao its like almost three in the morning and I still need to write a bit more and edit. My logic is telling me to do it tomorrow, because I have to wake up early for church, but I don't wanna.**

 **Dan's POV**

The school loomed ahead of Phil and I as we made our way down the pavement. I glanced over at Phil, who's hands were trembling with apprehension.

"Hey…" I spoke softly, taking Phil's hand. "It will be fine."

Phil looked down at our hands and blushed, not meeting my eyes. "You don't know that."

I stopped in front of the school gates, taking Phil's other hand as well. "I won't let Anthony treat you the way he used to, I promise," I gave Phil's hand a quick squeeze.

"Thanks…" Phil muttered, still uncertain.

"Let's go, you don't want to be late on your first day back," I smiled softly and pulled him towards the school.

…

People began to stare the minute we walked through the door, and whispers followed us down the corridor.

 _"_ _Isn't that that new kid from a few months ago?_

 _"_ _I hear he tried to kill himself."_

 _"_ _Is that Phil? I thought he was dead."_

 _"_ _Are Lester and Howell Dating?"_

 _"_ _Why is Dan holding that guy's hand? I thought he was dating Tiffany."_

 _"_ _They broke up last year, dumbass."_

I could feel Phil still shaking, so I gripped his hand tighter, casting him a small smile. "Do you need to go to your locker?" I asked.

Phil thought for a moment before nodding.

The two of us managed to squeeze past the crowd of people and find Phil's old locker, which he almost forgot the number of. We had only been there for a few moments when an all to familiar voice spoke behind us. "Look who's back," Anthony stepped forward, followed by his usual posse.

"Oh, piss off, Anthony," I stood in front of Phil, glaring at the boy.

"Bite me," Anthony glared back. After a second he averted his gaze to Phil. "You're alive. How unfortunate,"

I began to step forward, but was held back by Phil. " _He's not worth it, Dan."_

I bit my cheek, trying to stop myself from punching Anthony in the throat, and stepped back.

"So what, are you two _dating_?" Anthony spat out the word like it was poison, looking at us in disgust.

I hesitated, Phil and I actually hadn't discussed what we were yet. I decided to say nothing, but took his hand in mine, staring my ex-friend down.

"Well, Lester, at least you'll have a cell-mate in hell you fag."

Phil's grip on my hand tightened as his gazed dropped to the floor.

"What's your problem?" I let go of Phil, stepping forward so I was standing a few inches in front of Anthony.

"My _problem_ is you and your faggot of a boyfriend," I felt a pair of hands on my chest and was shoved roughly into the lockers. An excited gasp swam through the crowd that had formed around us. Phil rushed over to my side, trying to help me up.

"I wish he had died," The chav growled at us, taking a step forward. "I wish he had bled out and died, and then I wish you had killed yourself too. It's all you both deserve, you know. To die young and suffer longer, it's what all gays deserve, the filthy bastards."

I felt a surge of rage rush through me, before I knew what was happening, I grabbed Anthony's ankle and yanked his legs out from under him. The minute he hit the ground, I lunged on top of him.

"GO TO HELL YOU F*CKING BRAT!" I yelled out a long string of insults, grabbing the boy's hair in one hand and punching him with the other.

I could hear Phil yelling at me at stop, but I ignored him. I was practically blind with rage as I swung my fists down, repeatedly punching the him in the face. I made the mistake of slowing down for a minute, and Anthony somehow managed to sit up and push me back, so our positions were flipped. He grabbed me by my collar and swung his fist down. A burning pain shot down the side of my face as his fist connected with my cheek again and again.

I tried my best to shove him off of me, but my attempts were useless as he had the better leverage. Suddenly, He was lifted off of me. I opened my not swollen eye as much as I could, watching with shock as Phil pushed Anthony against the locker and kneed him in the stomach. The minute he hit the floor, Phil rushed of to me.

"Dan?!" Phil looked down at me with concern, brushing his fingers lightly over the bruising on my face.

"Hey, everyone move!" I could hear yelling as several teachers broke through the crowd.

One of them, Mr. Artson I think, immediately rushed over to Phil and I. He yelled something at Phil I couldn't understand, pointing down the hall. Phil nodded fearfully, then got up. He cast me an anxious look before walking in the direction the teacher had motioned.

"Get up!" Mr. Artson grabbed my arm and yanked me to my knees, showing no concern for whether or not I was in any pain. "Office, now!" He barked.

I nodded, trying to stand up. Anthony was in a similar situation, he had his arm gripped tightly by the history teacher and was hobbling down the hall. My heart was beating loudly in my ears as I walked to the office, a firm grip still on my bicep.

 **Phil's POV**

I sat nervously outside the office door, trying to peer through the small window in the door. I had been dismissed with no consequences pretty quickly once the administrators had realized I acted solely out of self defense. Dan on the other hand, he wasn't as innocent. Anthony might have provoked him, but he didn't swing the first punch. The headmaster was now trying to decide who should be charged with the most responsibility for the fight.

My fingers drummed anxiously on my thigh, adrenaline still rushing though me. Mrs. Howell had been called in from work to talk to the headmaster and take us both home if needed. I dreaded that I would have to talk to her as she entered the office. I hope she didn't think anything bad of me, she was so kind….

As if on cue, she walked through the door, her eyes immediately landing on me.

"Phil!" She rushed over to me. "What happened?"

"A-Anthony started it all, I swear! Please don't be mad at Dan, he was trying to defend me and—"

"Phil, it's okay honey. Let me go talk to the headmaster," She gave me a comforting pat on the shoulder and walked into the office.

…

I sat nervously for what was probably another half hour until Anthony, Anthony's Mum, Dan, Mr. Howell, and the headmaster walked out of the office.

"Come on Phil, we're going home for today," Mrs. Howell said tensely. She looked tired. Dan cast me a slight smile. He had some pretty bad bruises on the side of his face and a purple circle was beginning to form around his eye. I felt really bad for him, but my mood improved when I saw the dried blood trail coming out of Anthony's nose.

"What happened?" I muttered as we walked outside.

"They decided that Anthony started it since the footage from the hall cameras showed him shoving me. We both have detention for two weeks, but he is getting suspended until next Monday!"

I sighed with relief, no Anthony for the rest of the week!

"Of course, mum is mad I got in a fight…" Dan muttered lowly, glancing at Mrs. Howell who was a few feet ahead of us. "I don't think she'll do much as a punishment, though. I figure she thinks my injuries are enough." Dan motioned to his face.

I nodded understandingly as I got in the car next to Dan.

The ride home was extremely tense, and it was hard to concentrate on anything other than the angry sighs that Dan's Mum would make every few minutes. I'm sure she would have been chewing him out had I not been there.

…

When we finally arrived home, Dan and I wasted no time hurrying upstairs.

"Let's go to my room," Dan muttered, grabbing my hand and dragging me behind him.

I followed Dan into his bedroom, mimicking his motions and taking a seat on the bed facing him.

Dan and I sat wordless for a few minutes, not knowing what to say. I finally spoke up.

"Thanks for um, you know…"

"Yeah."

"No, I mean really," I began. "It means a lot that you'd do that so get him to stop."

Dan shrugged. "He had it coming."

We fell into another uncomfortable silence.

It was so frustrating; there was so much I wanted to say, I just couldn't put in to words. After a few minutes of sitting anxiously, I decided to bring up something that had been on my mind for a while.

"D-Dan?"

"Mhm?"

"Are…Are we dating?"

Dan looked up, meeting my eyes. He was silent for a moment before he finally spoke, "Are you okay with that?"

I bit my lip shyly, giving him a small nod.

"Then I guess we're boyfriends," Dan said breathlessly.

I looked up, the word startling me. We held each other's gaze for a moment before both quickly leaning in, connecting our lips.

The kiss was slower and more caring than the rest had been. I ran my hand's through Dan's hair, curling the soft strands around my fingers. Dan wrapped his arms around my neck, pulling me closer to him. I was sure to be gentle with him, trying not to brush against any of his bruises as I lightly cupped his face in my hand.

It was amazing how much we had changed since we had first met. I thought back on the school girl crush that I used to have on Dan. I went from staring at I'm from across the classroom to actually being able to call him my boyfriend… That's pretty impressive if I do say so myself.

I smiled against Dan's lips, pulling him closer.

We finally leaned backed, resting our foreheads against each other's.

"Why were you smiling so much?" Dan giggled, looking into my eyes.

"I was thinking about you." I muttered sheepishly.

Dan laughed, intertwining our hands. "Phil?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

I grinned, leaning forward and planting another soft kiss to his lips. "I love you too."

 **A/N: I might actually be excited for Christmas this year!**

 **Also, who watches Yuri on Ice?**

 **Its 3:30 am, why am I still awake pls help**


	25. Chapter 22

**A/N: YURI ON ICE IS GREAT**

 **I'm introducing a new character next chapter, any guesses on the role they will play?**

 **Dan's POV**

The rest of the week went by swiftly without Anthony. His friends were too cowardly to do anything without him, so for the first time in quite a while Phil seemed to have a happy week at school. At least, I thought that at first. I began doubting myself as I watched his smile slowly becoming more and more forced. I had tried asking him about how he was feeling, but I never got a straight answer. The conversation was usually brushed off with a light excuse followed quickly by a change in subject. I was worried for him. I didn't know how sensitive he was to these things, what would it take to push Phil over the edge again? This uncertainty was part of the reason I couldn't bear to ask him. What if it was me who gave him the final shove before he relapsed? I couldn't risk that happening.

"Dan, pass the salt please," My mother's voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

"Oh, yeah," I handed her the salt shaker.

It was just my mum, Phil and I for the next few days. My dad had to go to a conference in New York for a while, something about a new program his company wanted to start up.

My gaze flickered over to Phil, who was tiredly poking at his food with his fork.

"Not hungry?"

Phil sighed, glancing up at me. "Not particularly."

"I'll save it for you, dear." Mum got out of her seat and began to search for a plastic container.

"Thanks…" Phil was unusually quiet, even for him.

I cast a worried glance at him and began picking up the dishes.

…

Phil had gone up to his room as soon as he handed me his plate, and I hadn't seen him since.

I stood outside his bedroom door, rehearsing what I'd say. Finally, I knocked.

"Yeah?" Phil's muffled voice answered through the door.

"It's Dan, can I come in?"

"Sure."

All the lights were off, and Phil was lying on top of the neatly-made bed.

I stood silently in the doorway, suddenly very apprehensive about having to talk to him.

"Did you need something?" Exhaustion laced Phil's voice as he sat up slightly.

"Are you okay?"

Phil sighed tiredly. "Dan, we've been over this."

"No, we haven't. I try to talk to you and you never give me a straight answer," I stepped further into the room, closing the door behind me.

The boy swung is legs over the side of the bed, now fully sitting up. "Okay, I'm fine. Is that what you wanted?"

"No Phil, you're not fine!" I sat next to Phil, finding his hand in the darkness. "You haven't been eating, you look like you haven't slept in days, and every time you smile it looks like it takes half your energy!"

Phil didn't respond.

"Please, just tell me wh-"

"I don't know," Phil interrupted me.

"Sorry?"

"I don't know what's wrong Dan," Phil's grip on my hand had tightened.

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Well you have to have some idea."

"Well I _don't_."

I had no idea what to say, Phil wasn't following the script I had made for him in my head and I was left with no idea what my next line was.

"It—it will be okay, Phil. I promise."

"You don't know that," Phil muttered.

"Yes I do, things always get—"

"Shut the hell up, Dan."

I stopped talking, shocked by Phil's tone.

Phil pulled his hand away from mine. "You have no damn idea about what will happen next, don't pretend that everything will be all sunshine and rainbows."

Phil's voice was cold and harsh, I was sure he didn't mean it, but it still hurt.

"I know, I know… I'm sorry, I just didn't know what else to say…"

Phil sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Just, get out."

"What?"

"Get out of my room, Dan."

Okay, that stung. "Phil, please… can't we just talk?"

"There's nothing to talk about."

"But—"

" _I said get the hell out,_ Phil spoke through clenched teeth.

I stood up slowly, shuffling over towards the door. A thin strip of light spread across my boyfriend as I pulled the door open.

"I—I love you…" I said softly.

Phil didn't respond.

I held back a sob as I closed the door and hurried to my room.

 **Phil's POV**

I felt like such a jerk.

Why did I have to react like that? Dan didn't do anything wrong, he just wasn't sure how to handle the situation. I groaned, tugging at my hair.

' _You idiot, you couldn't even tell him you love him back? No wonder everyone hates you…'_

I rolled onto my side, burying my face into the covers. Dan was right, I hadn't slept well in quite a while. I had gotten less than four hours of sleep almost every night for the past week or so. I just couldn't fall asleep, and when I did I spent the entire time restless because of reoccurring nightmares.

Maybe I would get lucky tonight and sleep well…

Who was I kidding?

I sighed, my thoughts drifting back to Dan. I wanted so badly to apologize to him, but he probably didn't want to talk to me right now. I know I wouldn't.

As much as I tried, I couldn't get the idea out of my head. I found myself walking out of my room and standing in front of Dan's door.

I didn't feel anxious as I pushed open his door and closed it quietly behind me. I just felt numb.

"Phil?" Dan sniffed, sitting up in bed.

I didn't respond, but instead walked over to the bed and crawled under the covers with him.

"What are you doing?" Dan asked uncertainly.

"I love you too." I whispered, wrapping my arms around his back and pulling him into a hug. "I don't know why I lashed out like that…"

"It's okay," Dan reassured me, still acting a bit surprised. "Do you want to sleep in here tonight?"

I hesitated. "Is that okay?"

"Of course it is." Dan pressed a kiss to my cheek.

"Thank you." I smiled. A warm feeling surging through me.

For the first time in who knows how long, I fell asleep within minutes.

 **Mrs. Howell's POV (ooh, this is new)**

Saturday had always been laundry in the Howell household, and Daniel always forgot. Every bloody Saturday I would have empty open his half filled hamper then go demand he find the dirty clothes strewn about his room.

I trudged up the stairs towards my sons room, barging in without knocking. (it was my house, after all)

"Daniel Howell, for the last time—" I stopped short, nearly dropping my basket of clothes.

There was not one person in Dan's bed, but two.

Phil had his arms wrapped tightly around Dan, who had his head resting against the older boy's shoulder.

They were very cute, and quite obviously in love.

It didn't come as much of a surprise to me, but I still felt a sense of protectiveness. Dan _was_ my only child. For a moment I considered waking them up, but changed my mind when Dan stirred in his sleep, scooting closer to Phil and sighing contently.

I smiled, there were a lot worse things I could have walked in on them doing, so I decided to let something as innocent as this slide.

I turned around, walking out of the room and closing the door quietly behind me.

The laundry could wait a few hours.

 **Dan's POV**

"Morning," Phil murmured, shaking me gently awake.

I grunted.

"Come on Dan, I can smell food."

"I don't want to get up…" I whined, burying my face in Phil's shirt.

I felt Phil sigh deeply. "You're lucky you're cute…"

"I know."

Phil gently combed his fingers through my hair, pressing a kiss to my forehead. "I'm sorry about last night."

"You already apologized," I muttered.

"I know, but I wanted to say it again to make sure you knew I meant it," Phil replied.

"I forgive you." I promised the older boy.

Phil pulled me closer to him. "Thank you."

I nodded, intertwining our free hands. "Now just five more minutes"

…

"We should go get lunch and Christmas gifts later, the town has all of its decorations up." I suggested. Christmas was in five days and I still didn't have anything for Phil or my parents.

"Are you asking me on a date?" Phil smirked, taking a bite out of a waffle.

I shrugged, fighting back a smile. "Depends, do you want it to be one?"

"Well, I _guess_ …" Phil said unethusiastically.

I rolled my eyes. "Don't get too excited," I muttered, poking Phil in the chest.

He laughed, brushing the hair out of my eyes. "Come on, lets go get dressed."

 **A/N: I feel like if you add up all the time in this story so far, it would more likely be January than December, but I really want to write about Christmas.**

 **I hate when I write a relatively long chapter but I just feel like nothing happened. NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE IMPORTANT, I SWEAR.**


	26. Chapter 23

**A/N: My views per chapter has dropped a lot, it hasn't been past 1k since chapter eighteen.**

 **Only one more episode of YOI and idk what I'm gonna do after that.**

 **Phil's POV**

Dan and I walked hand and hand down the street, stopping every few minutes to gaze into shop windows. I really love the Christmas season, it reminds me of when I was little and my family was happy. Of course I hadn't had a happy Christmas in several years, but maybe this one would be different.

"Oh, can we go in here?" Dan spoke suddenly, pointing at a store.

I shrugged. "Sure, anything you're looking for?"

Dan smiled a bit. "Just browsing."

The store held a wide variety of products, everything from hand towels and soaps to board games and books. I had a small bit of cash, so I figured I would try to find something for Dan while I was there. The only problem was I had no idea what I was looking for. What would Dan like? I wanted to get him something a bit romantic, but still useful and cool. Chocolates and flowers wouldn't last, and they were too simple anyways…

I wandered away from my boyfriend, scanning the shelves hopefully for something that looked right. Finally, I found it.

Smiling to myself, I quickly checked out, wrapping the package in a few extra bags and shoving it in my book bag. My timing was precise; Dan walked around the corner only a moment later, arms full of various objects.

"Okay, I've got something for Mum, Dad, my aunt and uncle, and one of my cousins… that leaves two more things to buy," Dan thought out loud, placing his items at the checkout. "Did you get anything?"

I shook my head, not making eye contact. "Nah."

It was obvious in Dan's small smirk that he didn't believe me, but he didn't say anything.

…

Although we were both hungry, we decided to stop at a few more stores before lunch. We were now standing in a local shop called "Light Vines", a small bookstore that also contained various home decorations. I liked to imagine that if tumblr was a store this would be it.

"What do you buy a fourteen year old girl anyway?" Dan asked frusturatedly, examining a shelf of nail polishes.

"Umm, what is she in to?" I asked.

Dan thought for a moment. "She likes poetry, I think…"

"Why not get her a poetry book and some fairy lights? Can't go wrong there." I suggested.

Dan grinned. "Great! Just one more to go then," He muttered, walking furiously down the aisle to the lighting section.

…

One hour later, we had been to a total of five stores looking for _one gift._

I was trying to be patient, but I was famished.

"Daaannnn," I groaned, leaning over to rest my chin on his shoulder. "can you _please_ hurry up? We'll look more after lunch."

Dan sighed, staring hopelessly at the shelf. "Fine."

"I'm sure you'll find something eventually, babe," I took Dan's hand, giving it a comforting squeeze.

"I hope so, I just don't know what to get for them," Dan pouted.

"You'll figure it out," I laughed at his child-like stance. "For now, lets just think about lunch."

 **Dan's POV**

Phil and I found a cozy little café to eat lunch at. I had never been but apparently Phil went once with his family when he was younger and it had made quite the impression. After taking our seats, we wasted no time talking and began browsing the menu.

"What do you suggest?" I asked, scanning a list of sandwiches.

Phil thought for a moment. "I remember the grilled cheese being really good, but my favorite is the chicken sandwich."

"I'll get that then," I closed the menu. "ready to order?"

Phil nodded so I raised my hand up slightly, trying to draw the attention of a passing waitress.

A girl probably around our age hurriedly walked over. She had light brown hair pulled back into a messy bun, dark eyeshadow, and a _very_ low black V-neck on.

"My name is Amanda, can I start y'all off with some drinks?" She chirped in an American accent, giving Phil a bored glance then looking back to me.

I glanced briefly at the drink menu. "I'll have coke, please."

"Make that two," Phil added.

Amanda quickly scribbled down something on her notepad. "And are y'all ready to order?"

"Two chicken sandwiches, please," I smiled politely, handing her our menus.

"Alrighty, I'll bring y'all's drinks out in a minute," Amanda nodded at Phil, then turned, gave me a flirtatious wink, and strutted back into the kitchen.

Not quite sure what had just happened, I continued to stare after the girl.

Phil cleared his throat loudly and I was snapped out of my thoughts.

" _She_ wasn't here last time," He stated crossly, glaring after her,"

I glanced down at Phil's hand, which was balled tightly into a fist. "Hey, you alright?"

"Yeah. I'm fine."

I gave him an unsure look, but didn't say anything else about it.

After a brief moment of tension, Phil was back to his usual self. At least until Amanda came back for our receipt.

I began to reach for my wallet, but Phil stopped me.

"Don't worry about it babe, I got it," Phil spoke at an unusually loud tone.

"Oh um, thanks," I glanced over at Amanda who was glaring at Phil.

As Phil was signing a check, I felt a light tug on my jacket.

"Oh my bad, my bracelet got snagged on your jacket." Amanda said sweetly.

"It's fine," I muttered, wishing Phil would hurry up.

Finally, the boy handed Amanda some money then stood up, offering me his hand. "C'mon, let's go shop some more."

I took my boyfriend's hand, standing up and following him out.

"Y'all have a nice day!" Amanda Chirped, waving cheerfully.

"Thanks, you too," I replied. Phil said nothing, wrapping an arm around my waist.

As we stepped out into the cold street, I went to put my hand in my coat pocket, and stopped when I felt a piece of paper brushing against my knuckles. Grabbing the paper,

I pulled it out and unfolded it.

 _Call me some time, baby_

 _426-224-4463_

 _-Amanda xoxo_

I stumbled, quickly shoving the note back into my pocket. Phil already seemed pretty annoyed, I didn't want him to worry about that Amanda chick more than he had to, it's not like I was actually going to call her or anything.

Despite my attempted subtlety, Phil noticed. "What's that?" Phil stopped.

"I-It's nothing, just a receipt I forgot I had in there.

Phil shook his head, a look of confusion crossing over his face. "You're lying… You never meet my eyes when you lie."

I flushed, looking down guiltily.

"What is it?" Phil asked, guiding me away from the bustling crowd of Christmas shoppers.

I sighed, nervously handing him the letter.

Phil unfolded it and quickly skimmed over it. His gaze hardened as he read it again.

"Dan?" He asked, not looking up.

"Yeah?" I responded nervously.

"Why were you hiding this from me?"

My eyes widened as I understood what it looked like from his point of view. "Phil, I just didn't want you to get upset over something that didn't matter, I swear I wasn't going to call her."

Phil looked up, biting his lip nervously. "Do you promise?"

"Phil..." I brushed The boy's hair out of his eyes, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. "I would _never_ cheat on you, I promise."

"I know you wouldn't Dan, I'm sorry…I just get worried sometimes," Phil pulled me into a hug.

"It's okay," I pulled out of the hug, looking into Phil's eyes. "now come on, we have more shopping to do."

The two of us walked hand in hand down the street, the note now crumbled up in a trashcan.

…. (Bonus little section because I like y'all)

It began to snow as the sun set, draping the land in darkness. After hours of relentless shopping, I finally had a good gift for Phil.

We had started to head home, but decided to take the scenic route to get a good view of all the Christmas decorations.

Phil was humming quietly to himself, gently holding onto my hand. We were just about to turn around a corner when Phil suddenly stopped, pulling me back.

"What is it?" I asked.

Phil blushed a bit, pointing up.

I looked where he was pointing and smiled. A small bit of mistletoe had been tied to the lamppost above us.

My gaze dropped back down to Phil.

"I mean," he held his hands up defensively. "it _is_ tradition."

I rolled my eyes. "You're such a dork."

Phil laughed, pulling me closer and pressing his lips against mine. Since we were in public, we only remained like that for a moment before slowly pulling away.

"Merry Christmas," Phil grinned, intertwining our hands.

"Merry Christmas to you too, Phil. Now come on, let's get home."

 **A/N: I hope y'all like Amanda, because she's coming back : ))))**


	27. Chapter 24

**A/N: Okay, so here's the thing, my keyboard is broken. Like I have a tablet and laptop in one, but I'm not good at using the internal keyboard because I usually rest my fingers on the keys, which I can't do with touch screen. I'm gonna do the best I can to write like this, and hopefully it will work. (But really tho, like it just stopped working for no reason? Does any body know how to help?) Update: now word is glitching as well, so I'm actually writing this on Wattpad. Why does the universe hate me?**

 **ALSO, COOL ANNOUNCEMENT: Today is the one-year anniversary of this story!* Thanks so much to everyone reading this x**

 ***at least I'm like 89% sure it was the 26th...**

 **Phil's POV**

I blinked groggily, covering my face with a blanket on order to avoid the streams of sun shining through the window.

Wait, sunlight? The sun shouldn't be rising this early, not unless...

In a frenzy, I shoved my blankets and pillows away, grabbing my phone off the bedside table and turning it on

9:27

A wave of panic washed through me as I jumped out of bed, blindly grabbing a t-shirt out of my closet. I was supposed to be at school over an hour ago!

Where is Dan? I wondered, quickly pulling on a pair of sweat pants (because let's be honest, who cares what they look like by the end of first semester). Did we both oversleep? Deciding I should probably wake him up, I hurried off to his room.

"Dan!" I burst through the door, running over to my boyfriend, who was still fast asleep. "Dan, wake up!"

Dan grunted, pulling his pillow into his face as I tried to rip the covers off of him.

"We're going to be late to school, it's already 9:30!"

This got Dan's attention. He rolled over onto his back, tossing his pillow aside and reaching out. He grabbed me by the shirt front, pulling me roughly towards him.

"Phil," Dan spoke grumpily, our noses lightly brushing each others. "What day is it?"

I thought for a moment. "The twenty third of... _oh_."

"Yeah, we haven't had school for the past week, we're on holiday. Now let me ignore my responsibilities in peace," With that, Dan pulled me down onto the bed, rolled over, and went back to sleep almost instantly.

I laughed awkwardly to myself, crawling under the blankets next to Dan.

"Whoops."

...

When Dan and I woke up an hour later, our priority was quite obviously food.

"Do you want any syrup?" Dan asked, opening the pantry.

"Is that even a question?" I laughed, popping another waffle into the toaster.

A frustrated sigh caused me to turn around; Dan was standing on his tip toes, straining to reach the syrup bottle that was just a few inches away from his grasp. I failed to hide my laughter as I walked up behind Dan, wrapping one arm around his waist and using the other to grab the bottle.

"Here you are, shorty," I teased Dan as I handed him the syrup.

"Shut up, I'm like six feet tall," He grumbled, craning his neck to look at me.

I laughed, leaning in closer. "I'm still taller."

Dan huffed, but connected our lips anyway. I smiled into the kiss, pulling him closer into a hug. I loved the little moments like this, I didn't feel numb or anxious or depressed, I just felt happy.

"Oh!" A sudden gasp caused Dan and I to quickly break away. Dan's mum was standing in the doorway, her hand lightly covering her mouth.

"Mum..." Dan stepped away from me, his face heating up. I would normally find it funny, but I'm sure I looked no different.

"Well, I can't say I didn't expect it..." Mrs. Howell chuckled uncomfortably.

There was a long silence before Dan's mum spoke again. "Look you two, I'm fine with you being together, in fact, I think you're a very cute couple, but just... please, try not to have sex yet-"

"Mum!" Dan shrieked, a horrified look on his beet-red face.

"I know, parents don't like having "the talk" either. Oh, and also-"

" _Mum_ ," Dan spoke through gritted teeth. "Please, _leave_."

Mrs. Howell smiled. "Well, I need to run some errands anyway. Goodbye, you two," she gave us a small smile before walking out of the kitchen.

Dan and I stood awkwardly in silence.

"Do you uh, want a waffle?" I slowly slid the plate of waffles over to Dan, but he shook his head.

"I lost my appetite."

 **Dan's POV**

The days until Christmas flew by, everyone rushing around in a festive frenzy. Before we knew it, it was the twenty fifth.

Dad had managed to get off work just in time for the big day; he arrived home late last night. It's currently a little after seven in the morning, Christmas is one of the few days on which I will actually wake up early.

"Dan, hurry up!" Phil wined, clearly wide awake. He had burst into my room far too early for my liking.

"Yeah, yeah," I got out of bed, stretching tiredly. "C'mon, my parents are probably already downstairs."

The two of us made our way down the steps, immediately greeted by a chorus of holiday greetings.

"Well, let's not waste time," Dad began, handing us all a present. He had always been a huge Christmas enthusiast.

Phil was quiet, staring down at the package my dad had given him. "This...You got me a present?"

"Well of course! You're practically our son now." My mum laughed.

Phil grinned, possibly looking the happiest I had ever seen him. He unwrapped his present, pulling out a dark blue sweater. It was simple, but elegant; I'm sure it would look _amazing_ on him.

"Thank you!" Phil smiled at my parents, giving them both a quick hug. "I wasn't really sure what you would like, but here," Phil awkwardly grabbed a present out from under the tree. "I got a sort of 'family gift'" Phil laughed nervously.

My parents both smiled, taking the gift and thanking Phil. He had gotten a fancy recipe book, which I could tell my mom loved.

...

An hour or so later, we had opened almost all the presents and finished breakfast. The only two gifts we had left were the ones Phil and I got for each other, we had both agreed to wait and open them privately, mainly because the idea of showing PDA in front of my parents was still weird.

My extended family wasn't coming until around three, so My boyfriend and I decided to go up to my room to exchange gifts.

"I hope you like it," I smiled, handing Phil a small package.

"Ditto," Phil gave me a small, poorly-wrapped box

"Together?" He suggested.

I nodded. "One, two, three!"

We both tore greedily into our packages, wrapping paper falling to the ground. I looked at the small, navy blue box in my hands, opening it slowly. I gasped softly; inside was one of the most interesting and beautiful watches I had ever seen. It was almost completely black, aside from the hands and a few silver swirls crawling around the face.

"Oh my gosh, I love it! Thank you!" I gave Phil, who was still opening his gift, a gentle kiss on the cheek, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. "It's perfect."

Phil beamed proudly, only stopping once he saw his own present. I had gotten him a necklace. Now usually, I wouldn't dream of buying my boyfriend a necklace, but when I saw this, I couldn't think of anything but Phil. The chain was very thin, and dark as pitch. The pendant on the other hand was a bright, flashy gold, cut in the shape of a lion's head; a complete contradiction to the chain. Jewelry was typically seen as a sign of femininity, but this meant something entirely different to me. It was meant to show passion and strength, something to remind Phil that he didn't need my or anyone else's help; he already had the mental ability to overcome whatever he was going through, I was just there to support him.

"Dan, I..." Phil looked up at me, his words seeming to fail him. Giving up on verbal communication, Phil lunged at me, engulfing me in a hug. " _It's perfect,_ " he whispered, pressing a kiss to my cheek.

"I'm glad you like it," I laughed warmly, pushing him back so I could meet his gaze. "Merry Christmas, Phil."

Phil smiled, giving me another peck on the cheek. "Merry Christmas, love."

We decided to re-join my family, which wasn't too bad of a decision. We spent the rest of Christmas day enjoying mince pies, telling bad jokes, and enjoying each other's company. Phil got to meet my cousins' family, who were all very accepting, and liked him very much. I loved seeing him so happy...

By the end of the day, I decided I'm quite confident in saying that this was the best Christmas I'd ever had.

 **A/N: THANK THE LORD THAT'S OVER WITH, I HATE THIS STUPID KEYBOARD**

 **Lmao I keep complaining about having unimportant chapters but then I keep writing more.**

 **MERRY CHRISTMAS!**


	28. Chapter 25

**A/N: HAPPY NEW YEAR FAMS! MAY 2016 ROT IN A BIN!**

 **Phil's POV**

5:36 am.

The small, digital clock shone mockingly at me in the darkness. Dan's deep breaths indicated that he was fast asleep, but I hadn't been so lucky; I had reached the stage of exhaustion where I couldn't even sleep. I ended up crawling into bed with Dan around midnight. He woke up for a moment, just to see who I was, then went back to sleep. My situation was a bit more complicated.

My depression had been at bay for the past few months, but I could feel it coming back. It was almost unnoticeable, like water seeping through a crack in in the pavement. But overtime the water would freeze and melt again and again, and suddenly the small crack would grow into a chasm.

Sighing tiredly, I gently brushed a strand of hair out of Dan's eyes. It was amazing how much more venerable someone could look when asleep; it was hard to believe Dan had ever been a cold, stuck up person; not when he looked so much like a child.

Scooting a bit closer to Dan, I closed my eyes again, hoping to possibly pass out from exhaustion. Finally, I fell asleep.

…

A gentle stirring next to me woke me up.

"Morning," Dan mumbled, yawning.

I grunted in response, keeping my eyes shut. My three-hour nap felt more like five minutes, leaving me in that stage of unsatisfied grogginess.

"When did you get in here anyway?" Dan asked, cupping my cheek lightly.

"Wow, you really were tired," I muttered. "It was 'round midnight."

Dan hummed in acknowledgment. "And uh, how much sleep did you get?"

I managed to pry one of my eyes open. Dan was looking at me with concern, his hair a curly mess on his head.

"Not enough."

Dan sighed. "Do you wanna go to a doctor? Get some sleeping meds? If your having this much trouble falling asleep, something's probably wrong…"

I groaned, burying my face in my pillow. "We'll discuss it later."

Dan sighed, but dropped the subject. "So what do you want to do today?" He asked, grabbing my hand. "I think Ben from the year above us is having a New Year's Eve party… We could go to that."

I shrugged. "Maybe we could just stay here? I mean if you really want to go, I will, but I'm not a big fan of parties."

"Of course we can stay here," Dan smiled, wrapping an arm around me.

"So…movie marathon until midnight?"

Dan laughed warmly. "Movie marathon until midnight."

 **Dan's POV**

Phil wasn't okay, that was clear enough. The signs had started off small, but now they were much more blatant: his unusual change in emotions had morphed into full blown mood swings, what started off as a bad sleeping pattern had turned into severe sleep deprivation, his appetite had depleted and he was losing weight from his already-skinny frame. I could tell he was trying to act fine, that much was obvious in his plastic smile and chirpy tone.

I had been waiting for the right moment to bring all this up, but I eventually realized that there was no such thing as "the right moment", so now would have to do.

"Phil?" I sat up, wrapping a blanket around my shoulders.

"Yeah?" Phil paused the movie we were watching, turning his full attention to me.

"I um…" I paused, unsure where to start. Last time I brought this topic up; Phil had gotten pretty upset… I didn't want us to get into another argument. "I'm worried about you."

Phil stared silently down at his hands, so I continued to talk.

"You're not eating as much, you're having serious sleeping issues, you just never seem truly happy anymore. Even when you have a genuine smile on your face, it's like you still have an overpowering sadness just looming over you."

Phil said nothing, sniffling slightly.

"Phil?"

Silence.

"Phil, babe?" Cautiously, I hooked a finger under Phil's chin, making him look up at me.

His expression was blank, yet a steady stream of tears poured down his cheek.

I gasped. "Phil…"

"I-I don't know what's wrong Dan," Phil croaked as he began to sob. "I thought I was fine but then I started feeling numb again and it's like—I feel like my depression might be coming back but I _don't know_. What if I'm just imagining it? What if I thought about it so much I'm some how self diagnosing myself and _making_ it come back?! Why can't—"

"Shhh," I pulled Phil into a tight hug, which he willingly accepted.

"Phil, listen to me," I spoke softly into his ear. "If you're worried that you're self-diagnosing, chances are you aren't. And even if it is coming back, you have me now. I may not understand what you feel all the time, but I'll help you get through it."

Phil sobbed harder, burying his face into the crook of my neck.

"It's okay, you'll make it through whatever life throws at you," I did my best to comfort Phil, whispering encouragements and rubbing circles on his back. "I love you, okay? I'll always love you, and I need you to tell me if you need help, understand?"

Phil nodded, pulling away from me. "Yeah, thanks."

I smiled softly, cupping Phil's face and using my thumb to wipe the tears off his cheek.

We lay back down on the couch, Phil still sniffling occasionally.

"Feel any better?" I asked Phil, but there was no response. Phil had fallen asleep.

I smiled, using my free arm to pull a blanket over the both of us.

…

"Dan, your father and I are leaving, are you sure you two don't want to come with us?" My mum asked, grabbing her jacket. My parents were on their way to a neighbor's New Year's Eve party, something I had no interest in.

"Nah, we'll stay here, tell everyone I said hi." I muttered, concentrating on the video game I was playing with Phil. (He was winning.)

"Okay, but don't you two get up to anything, understand?"

I blushed slightly, understanding exactly what she meant. "Yes Mum…"

"Good, now you boys have fun, and leave some food in the fridge for us!"

"Yes ma'am," Phil and I replied in synch.

My parents closed the door behind them, allowing me the opportunity to swear loudly when Phil beat me.

"You should have seen that coming," He smirked, tossing the controller on the couch.

"Shut up," I muttered, lying down across his lap. "What do you want to do tonight?" I asked, poking his cheek.

Phil shrugged. "Isn't there some sort of New Years program on?" He picked up the remote, flicking through the channels until he found a live broadcasting from London.

"You can see some of the fireworks from my room, we could watch those too." I suggested.

Phil nodded, absentmindedly running his fingers through my hair.

"Until then…I have some vodka in my room," I smirked.

"Dan, your parents are going to be home in like three hours, I think they would notice if their son was full-out wasted."

I rolled my eyes. "Who says I'd get _wasted_? Maybe just a bit tipsy…"

"Dan."

I sighed, clearly defeated. " _Fine._ What do you suggest we do then? There's still an hour to the new year."

Phil shrugged.

"We could play spin the bottle," I suggested, nudging Phil in the side.

He laughed, rolling his eyes. "Real cute."

We fell into a brief moment of silence, both thinking. Finally, I got it. "Phil, c'mon."

I jumped up, grabbing his hand and pulling him behind me.

We stopped walking once we reached the bathroom window, which I flung open. Using the near by tree branches, I climbed out of the window, making my way to the roof.

Phil hesitated. "Dan, are you sure this is safe?"

"Phil, Phil, Phil…" I sighed, shaking my head. "the question is not 'is it safe' but rather, ' _do we care?'_ "

Phil laughed and rolled his eyes, following after me.

We made our way onto the roof, climbing up to the top and finding a spot to lying down.

"Do you have your phone?" I asked.

Phil nodded, pulling it out.

"Open the world clock."

Phil did as I said, laying it next to us.

We began talking as the minutes to the New Year ticked down, discussing things we hoped to change about ourselves, and how the way we celebrate the Earth revolving around the sun was quite funny. Finally, the time had come.

"Phil, it's down to a minute!" I grinned excitedly, sitting up.

We began chanting the seconds, getting louder and louder.

"Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three two, one! HAPPY NEW YEAR!" Fireworks in all directions suddenly accompanied our lone voices. Phil looked in awe at the sight, the colors reflecting in his eyes.

"Phil!" I grinned, calling his name over the distant ruckus.

He turned his head, only to be immediately knocked over as I dove towards him, meeting his lips in a kiss. I smiled slightly, and felt him do the same. We pulled away for a moment, laughing quietly before re-connecting our lips.

In that moment, we lived in our own secluded world, and all that mattered was us.

 **A/N: I went from updating ever two weeks, and it taking me several days to write a chapter to updating almost weekly and writing a chapter all in one night, go me.**


	29. Chapter 26

**A/N: Hi Cam.**

 **I INTRODUCE MORE PEOPLE THIS CHAPTER YEAH BOIIII**

 **Dan's POV**

"This project will account for 50% of your grade, I recommend you take it seriously," My English teacher droned on and on. "I've decided to cut you all some slack and allow you to work in groups of two to four," Several quiet cheers sounded from different parts of the classroom. "After you have found your group, come up and get one of the sheets on my desk. Use the last thirty minutes of class to begin planning, I will give you your rubrics tomorrow."

We all jumped out of our chairs, hurrying towards his desk. I returned to my seat with Phil and I's paper a moment later.

"What does ours say?" Phil asked, craning his neck to read the paper.

Our project was to review a piece of text, all randomly selected from different books, and write about what we thought they meant.

I began reading. " _...he left a scar on my heart. But it was from this scar that grew a flower, from this flower a garden, and from this garden a field. And then my heart was in full bloom, seemingly unharmed from the man that had torn it in half. And then I loved again. I saw in more colors than ever. I didn't dare to think sinful thoughts, keeping my mind pure and my tongue untouched by hatred,"_ I finished reading, looking up at Phil. "What do you think it means?"

Phil thought for a second. "I think it's talking about growth from pain, like someone in an abusive relationship. After they finally manage to get out of it, they don't act bitter or angry. They use their experience to make them better as a person, to know exactly how to _not_ treat other people. What do you think?"

I nodded, staring at him fondly.

"Um, Dan?"

I blinked, shaking my head. "Sorry I um… you're cute when you get all smart like that," I grinned, looking back down at the paper.

Phil blushed, rolling his eyes.

"But you're idea is _brilliant_ , Phil. I agree for the most part, but I don't think it's about abuse."

"What do you think?" Phil asked, a small smile playing on his face.

"I think the speaker was deeply in love with someone they couldn't have, but even though they knew the relationship wouldn't work out, they began seeing each other anyway. When the guy broke it off, the main character was heartbroken. But eventually, they got over it. They matured, realizing how naïve they were to ever think it could have worked out. I think it's about doomed love, and how some things just weren't meant to be."

Phil nodded thoughtfully. "I see where you get that from, it's good."

"Thanks." I muttered lightly playing with his fingers.

"So our final ideas are 'healing from abuse' and 'naïve love'… I think it's amazing how we got such different ideas from the same thing," Phil pointed out, putting the papers in his binder.

I nodded as I began to pack up. "Yeah, and how these ideas mainly come from the experiences we have in our own life.

"So you think that our love isn't meant to be and that I'll break your heart?" Phil asked, a hurt look crossing his face.

My eyes widened. "No! Of course not, I just—I could never—I was just thinking-I mean um…why are you laughing?"

Phil shook his head, looking up at me with a grin. "I was kidding, Dan."

"I hate you." I pouted, shoving him lightly.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have. You're just so cute when you get flustered," Phil smirked.

"Shut up…" I muttered, sinking down into my chair.

 **…Skip to lunchtime…**

"Can you go get us some napkins?" Phil asked, taking a bite of his food.

I groaned, glaring up at him. "Why don't you do it?" I asked.

"Well," Phil thought for a minute. "for one, I'm older. Therefore, you have to do what I say." He smiled proudly.

"Seriously? What are we, _four?_ "

"Four months apart, yes."

I groaned, getting up out of my chair. "You owe me."

Phil grinned sweetly, quite a contrast to the smug look he had on his face moments earlier.

I was on my way back to the table when a petite girl approached me. She had dark brown hair with red streaks in it, giving her an edgy vibe.

"Dan," the girl grabbed me by the arm, stopping me.

"Um…yeah?"

"Okay, I really don't want to do this because you used to be a complete jerk and I know you're not as bad now but I don't know you well and I'm _only_ doing this for my brother, understand?" She spoke quickly, crossing her arms.

"I um… yes?"

"Good," She continued. "My brother, I don't know if you know him; he's in the year below us and his name is Alec, he has a pretty bad stutter, usually doesn't even talk to people because of it. That's why I'm telling you all this and not him. Well, that and he has social anxiety, but that's besides the point. Anthony has been picking on him for the past few months, and it's really been getting him, so seeing you beat Anthony to a pulp like that, it really made his day. He couldn't stop talking about the way you slammed him to the ground and stuff. And of course now he's out of school for a bit so Alec doesn't have to worry about him too much right now. So um, thanks for not being a complete jerk."

I stared at her in shock, unsure how to react. "Um, you're welcome…?"

She seemed satisfied, and turned to walk away.

"Hey, wait." I called out, unsure why I was deciding to do this.

"Yeah?" She stopped, turning around.

"Do-do you and your brother want to come sit with us?" I asked, motioning to the table where Phil sat.

She looked surprised at first, but then suspicious. "Okay, but you better not crack any jokes about my brother, I don't know how much you've really changed, Howell." She glared. She may be short, but she was intimidating.

"Um, got it." I swallowed, avoiding eye contact. "Our table is that one by the window; you can come sit with us when you feel like it."

"Okay, I'll go ask my brother if he wants to!" She grinned, her mood changing completely.

I nodded, turning around and continuing to walk back to Phil and I's table.

' _What had I gotten myself into?'_

 **Phil's POV**

"I um, I kinda invited some people to sit with us." Dan said, taking a seat.

"Who?"

"This younger kid named Alec and his sister… I actually don't know what she goes by… she's a girl in our year with red and brown hair."

I wasn't sure whom he was talking about, but I nodded anyway.

A few moments later, the pair arrived at our table. The girl, who introduced herself as Val, could be easily described in one word: bold. From her bright red highlights to her flashy clothes, here whole appearance seemed to be screaming for attention. Her brother on the other hand, he was her complete counterpart. He was wearing light greys and blues, the soft colors allowing him to blend into the crowd. His hair was a light brown, almost blond, and hung against his head in tight curls. He was rather cute, but it was more in a child-like way. Nothing like the way Dan looked.

"So Dan," Val started. "what made you decide to stop being an asshole?"

I choked on my drink.

Alec glared at his sister, sending an apologetic glance towards Dan

Dan blushed, obviously not expecting such a forward question. "Oh um… I guess it was Phil."

It was my turn to blush as Dan took my hand, giving it a soft squeeze.

"That's grossly adorable," She laughed, taking a bite of her food.

"You asked," Dan grinned.

It was a matter of minutes before we were all deep in discussion, conversation coming naturally to us. Even shy little Alec managed to throw in the occasional comment.

"—And t-t-th-then I'm l-l-like, "Th-th-at's what sh-she said!" We all burst out laughing as Alec finished his story.

"I can't…breath" Val choked out between laughs, hitting her hand on the table.

Unfortunately, the lunch bell rang, telling us to get to our next class.

"You guys should sit wit us again tomorrow!" I suggested, smiling at them both.

"What do you think Alec?" Val turned to her brother who nodded enthusiastically.

Dan smiled. Great! See you tomorrow then."

We bid our goodbyes and headed off to our next classes.

"They were nice," I smiled, taking Dan's hand in mine.

"Yeah," Dan agreed. "I wish we had some classes with them."

I smiled, releasing Dan's hand as we walked into the classroom. My eyes wandered to where Dan and I sat, and I was surprised to see the empty seat next to us had someone sitting in it. Suddenly I froze, causing Dan to run into me.

"Ah! Phil? What is it?" Dan followed my gaze, his eyes widening as he saw what I was looking at.

"Dan? I didn't expect to see you here!" Amanda's obnoxious voice rang in my ears as she jumped up, smiling and waving at him.

"Phil?" Dan nudged me slightly, an anxious look on his face. "You okay?"

I clenched my jaw, giving him a forced smile. "Of course, why wouldn't I be?"

 **A/N: :)))))))))))**


	30. Chapter 27

**A/N: wowowow this story is getting a lot less reads then it used to hahahahhahapleasecomebackahahhahaha**

"Phil, cam down. She slipped me her number, it's not like she tried to sleep with me," I stared worriedly at Phil who was lying prone **(face down)** on his bed, staring at the celling.

"Still, I can already tell she won't take 'no' for an answer," He muttered.

I sighed, sitting down next to Phil and rubbing light circles on his back. "Even if she does try flirting with me again, it's not like I'm going to flirt back. I already have a love interest."

Phil rolled onto his back, resting his head on my lap. "I guess you're right…"

"I _am_ right, so stop worrying," I grinned, ruffling his hair.

Phil scowled, swatting my hand away.

I smoothed his hair back down, smiling contently.

"What are you so happy about?" The dark-haired boy was trying to look annoyed, but obviously struggling to fight a smile.

I shook my head, laughing. "I just love you a lot."

Phil smiled, the corner of his eyes crinkling up. "You're disgustingly cheesy."

"Does that annoy you?"

"Terribly so."

I laughed, leaning forward. "Good."

Phil rolled his eyes, connecting our lips.

I smiled into the kiss, running my fingers through his hair—it was very soft.

Phil wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me down so I was lying next to him.

He pulled away from the kiss to mutter, "I love you." As he rested his forehead against mine.

I grinned. "I love you too."

Phil embraced me tightly.

We lay like that for quite a while until I finally drifted off to sleep.

At one point I was vaguely aware of being carried to my room, but fell asleep again before I could fully register anything. The next thing I knew, Phil was waking me up.

"Dan, get dressed, you're gonna make us late."

I groaned, rolling over and burying my face into my pillow.

"Come on, sleeping beauty," The mattress dipped besides me. "You're not the only tired one."

"How are you so perky?" I grumbled.

"Coffee," He muttered. "Now, get up."

Phil finally managed to get me out of bed, but by the time he did I only had ten minutes to get ready, meaning I didn't have time to fully straighten or brush my hair.

"It looks awful," I grumbled as we walked down the pavement. I had attempted several times to smooth down the mess on my head, but nothing worked.

"I think it's hot," Phil smirked, glancing down at me.

I blushed, smiling coyly.

Phil laughed, noticing my flushed face. "What happened to the smug, cocky Dan I used to know so well?"

I shrugged. "He fell in love. It's different when the flirting means something other than just lust."

Phil smiled, taking my hand. "I like this Dan."

I grinned. "I like him too."

 **Phil's POV**

 **I** had been looking forward to English class; I was actually enjoying the project we were working on. This changed almost immediately when I discovered Amanda was also in that class.

"Hi Dan!" She hurried over to _my_ boyfriend, barely even glancing at me.

"Hey," Dan smiled politely.

"Hi," I spoke up, giving a curt wave in her direction.

Amanda gave me a half-hearted smile, looking back down at Dan.

"Dan, Phil, do you know Amanda?" Our English teacher called over to us.

"Um… Yeah, I guess," Dan nodded.

"Brilliant! She needs a group for this project, and I think it's best she works with someone she knows, even if only a little."

Dan nodded, Amanda squealed, I snapped my pencil in half.

"So, what are we analyzing?" She asked, sitting annoyingly close to Dan.

I slid her the paper we had been given, a plastic smile resting on my face.

She quickly scanned over it, a bored look on her face.

 **(Incase you forgot:**

 **"** ** _...he left a scar on my heart. But it was from this scar that grew a flower, from this flower a garden, and from this garden a field. And then my heart was in full bloom, seemingly unharmed from the man that had torn it in half. And then I loved again. I saw in more colors than ever. I didn't dare to think sinful thoughts, keeping my mind pure and my tongue untouched by hatred,")_**

Amanda shrugged, tossing the paper down. "I'm not sure, what do you think?" She didn't specify whom she was talking to, but she looked at Dan expectantly.

"I um, I think it's about naïve lovers trying to make a hopeless relationship work. But I thought Phil's idea was better," Dan must have noticed my annoyance as he gave me a chance to speak.

"That's sweet of you to say, but mine wasn't that good either. I thought it was about heartbreak, and how people heal from it,"

"I agree with Dan," Amanda batted her eyelashes flirtatiously at the brunette.

"Of course you do," I muttered under my breath.

She frowned. "What was that?"

"Nothing," I smiled, grinding my teeth together. _"Nothing at all."_

….

"I can't believe we're in a group with that absolute-"

"Phil, you barely know her!" Dan cut me off.

"I know her well enough…" I grumbled.

"Really? How do you know she's not just a natural flirt? She could act like that with everyone," Dan looked up from his homework.

"You think so? Then explain why she never even cast a glance in my direction? Why just you?" I propped myself up on the bed, glaring at him.

Dan sighed, shoving his stuff aside. "Come here."

I scooted closer to him, resting my head on his shoulder as he took my hand in his own.

"I already told you: if she tries anything that could interfere with us, I won't ever talk to her again. But until she gives me a reason to hate her, I'm not going to hold a grudge over one phone number! She might be a bit annoying, but she's no criminal."

I sighed, nodding. "I guess you're right… but I still don't like her."

"You don't have to, just give her a chance, okay babe?

"Fine. But I'm doing this for your sake, not hers."

"Thank you," Dan smiled, pressing a kiss to my cheek.

"Phil?"

"Mhm?"

"How much do you love me?"

"It's difficult to fathom," I grinned, bringing his hand to my mouth and kissing his knuckles.

"Do you love me enough to go downstairs and make me some popcorn?"

I stared at him skeptically. "Are you actually kidding me?"

"Please?" Dan pouted, paying with my fingers.

I sighed, getting up. "Fine, but you owe me."

Dan grinned triumphantly. " I love you."

"Yeah, okay," I rolled my eyes, grinning nonetheless.

I hurried downstairs, finding a bag of popcorn and putting it in the microwave. It wasn't too long before my mind began to wander.

I knew I shouldn't feel threatened by Amanda, but I couldn't help it. Dan _was_ bisexual, and honestly I couldn't blame him if he fell for her; she's attractive, seems funny, probably more mentally stable then me, too.

I leaned back against the counter, running a hand through my hair. Sometimes, in the back of my mind, I wonder why Dan loves me. I'm not particularly attractive or smart or funny; In fact, I'm quite a mediocre human being. Questions like these usually lead me to wonder if he even _does_ love me. I know that I shouldn't worry about things like this; he hasn't done anything that suggests he isn't interested in me anymore. But regardless of the facts, I find myself thinking that maybe it's an act. Maybe he doesn't love me and is only continuing to date me because it would be too awkward to live with your ex. Maybe he's afraid that if he breaks up with me I'll kill myself and the blame will fall on him…

 _Stop working yourself up, are you really that paranoid?_ I scolded myself, getting the popcorn out of the microwave and pouring it into a bowl.

 _If Dan wants to break up with you, he would have done something that suggested it._ I decided as I walked up the stairs. _Stop getting so worked up, you idiot._

"Took you long enough," Dan grinned as I walked into his room. "I missed you."

"I was gone for five minutes."

The younger boy took the bowl out of my hands, grabbing some popcorn and popping it in his mouth. "That's five minutes too long."

I smiled, sitting down on the bed as Dan wrapped an arm around my shoulder.

"So um, now that you're back…" Dan began suggestively, leaning forward to whisper in my ear. _"How do you do number seven on the math homework?"_

I laughed loudly, shoving him away from me. "I'm actually going to break up with you."

Dan grinned, falling back into my lap. "Nah, you love me too much."

I shook my head, a smug look creeping onto my face. " _Danny_?"

"Yeah?"

I held up the math work sheet. _"You forgot to add the nine."_

 **A/N: I feel like I could have done better on this but I want to get it uploaded and I'm supposed to be in bed oops**


	31. Chapter 28

**A/N: sorry this is a bit late oops.**

 ** _TW: THIS CHAPTER DOES CONTAIN MILD SEXUAL HARRASMENT_**

 **Dan's POV**

"Dan!"

I flinched slightly as a high-pitched shriek ruptured through the classroom.

Phil gave me an annoyed look. I smiled slightly, taking his hand in mine.

"Morning, Amanda."

"Morning!" She chirped. "So I was thinking—"

"That's a first…" Phil muttered.

I struggled to hold back my laughter as Amanda glared at him.

"I was thinking that we should get together after school to finish the project."

I stared at her skeptically, wincing slightly as Phil's grip on my hand tightened.

"Well I mean it's due two days from now, and I think we're going to need more time to finish.

I sighed, I really didn't want to spend more time with Amanda than I needed to, but she was right, we really needed to finish this.

"Fine, where should we meet?"

"I was thinking your place?"

At this point Phil almost shattered my finger bones.

"Can't it be somewhere else? A café or something?"

Amanda shrugged. "I'm not good at concentrating in public places, it would be easier in a quiet, secluded place."

I cast Phil an apologetic glance before turning back to her. "Fine, I'll write down my address for you."

"You could always text it to—"

"I'll write it down."

 **Lunch**

"She sounds like a hoe," Val commented, glaring at Amanda from across the cafeteria.

"Val!" Alec scolded his sister.

"What? I'm just saying…"

Phil smirked slightly, poking at his lunch.

My boyfriend had spent the past five minutes venting to Val and Alec about our new group member. I had spent most of the time in an awkward silence

"Just remember Phil," Val started. "We're friends now; if she ever bothers you, I'll fight her."

Phil laughed, the happiness not quite reaching his eyes.

I felt trapped: One of my goals for myself was to not judge people as quickly as I used to, but it was difficult with Amanda. She hadn't done anything horrible to us yet, but Phil seemed to have already reserved her a spot in hell. I understood why he was upset, I just wished he would wait before jumping to conclusions about her.

"I hate girls like her, the just don't understand—"

Luckily for me, the lunch bell cut off their rant, and we were free to go to out next class. Unfortunately, we were one period closer to having to deal with Amanda.

…

"I like your room!" Amanda grinned as we stepped through the doorway.

"Um, thanks…" I muttered, dropping my bag and pulling out my English folder.

"Let's go ahead and get started."

Unsurprisingly, we had only been working for about five minutes when Amanda got off topic.

"Oh hold on Dan, you have something in your hair," She leaned forward, spending an unnecessary time trying to fix my fringe.

"We should um, really get back to the assignment…" I muttered, trying to avoid looking at her chest. It was a difficult task considering there was a lot of it and it was all about three inches from my face.

"Got it!" she finally exclaimed, flicking a piece of fuzz off her finger.

"Amanda," Phil said, a look of upmost distain on his face, "do you mind if we get back to the project now? Or do you want to flirt some more?"

Amanda looked at him with annoyance, her eyes narrowing. "What's your problem?"

"You are. Now, what were you guys thinking for number five?"

Amanda huffed angrily, crossing her arms. The tension in the room was almost unbearable.

"I think, that you should lighten up some and stop being so possessive."

"Amanda!" I scolded, glaring at her.

For a second I was worried Phil was going to strangle her, but he simply closed his eyes for a minute before standing up. "I'm going to the bathroom," He muttered, slamming the door behind him.

"What a buzz kill," Amanda rolled her eyes.

"He just wants to get the project finished. And besides, if anyone stepped over the line, it was you."

She looked at me incredulously, " _Excuse me?_ "

I squirmed uncomfortably under her glare. "You've been treating Phil like he's unimportant since the day we met. You always interrupt him, act like he's never there, and don't respect the fact that I'm not interested!"

"That's because he's _not_ important. And besides," Amanda scooted closer to me, resting her hand on my thigh. "Are you _really_ not interested?"

"No," I grabbed her wrist, pushing her hands away. "I'm _not,_ "

"Because I think that you're trying to convince yourself more than me," She put her hands on my chest, pushing me back.

"Get off of me!" I tried to shove her away, but the angle I was in gave me little leverage.

"Oh come on, Dan, you can't tell me you're satisfied with _him._ "

Before I could tell her how wrong she was, her mouth came down on my own. I made a noise of protest, trying to shove her off, but her weight was too much for me to move. She ran a hand through my hair, pulling it painfully.

 _"Get off of me. Get off of me. Get off of me."_ The thought ran through my head over and over, but the only thing I could do to help myself was not kiss back.

Finally, Amanda pulled away, but my relief was short lived.

"What the hell!?"

" _Phil,_ " I took advantage of the distraction and shoved her off of me, "please, let me explain."

Phil shook his head. His face was void of emotion but tears had begun to fall from his eyes. Before I could say anything, he hurried off, slamming the door behind him.

I sighed, running a hand through my hair.

"Someone's having a rough day…" Amanda's voice sent a burst of anger rushing through me.

"Will you shut the hell up? You act like you're so damn perfect, but meeting you was probably one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. So get off your high horse, get out of my house, and _never_ bother my boyfriend or I again!"

For a moment she looked cross, but her expression quickly morphed into one of smugness. "Are you sure he's still your boyfriend, Danny?"

"I SAID GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!" I yelled, slamming the door behind her as she stepped out of my room.

Rage coursing through me, I grabbed the first thing I saw, a hand-held mirror, and threw it against the wall. A piece of the mirror ricocheted, making a small gash in my cheek. The numbness I had felt slowly turned to pain—both internal and external—as I fell to my knees. I winced as a tear ran across the cut and fell into my hand, leaving a trail of scarlet down my cheek.

 **Val's POV**

"Shhh, it's okay, I know I've only known you two for a few days, but I can tell there is no way that Dan would cheat on you," I did my best to comfort Phil, who was lying across my lap in a sobbing mess.

"You-you can't be sure!" he choked out, sniffing.

"C-c-come on Ph-Ph-Phil, j-just breathe," Alec sat next to Phil, using a tissue to wipe the tears off his cheeks.

My heart swelled with pride: Alec had always been given a hard time because of his stutter, yet somehow he had remained one of the sweetest people I know.

"C'mon Phil, s-s-sit up straight, you need to calm down."

Phil obliged, sitting up and trying to control his breathing.

"Now, did you give Dan a chance to explain what happened?"

Phil thought for a second before shaking his head. "I was too upset, I guess…"

"That's o-okay, anyone would be." Alec smiled, rubbing Phil's back comfortingly. "How about we t-t-text Dan and let him k-know you're here? He's p-p-probably worried s-sick."

Phil bit his lip in thought before nodding. Alec handed me my phone and I quickly typed a message to Dan.

 _Phil's at my house, he's okay-ish. Can you meet him somewhere?_

Dan responded almost instantly.

 ** _Oh thank god. yeah, ask if he will meet me at the playground? He'll know what I'm talking about_**

"Phil, Dan said he want's to meet you at the playground to talk, are you okay with this?" Phil looked hesitant, but finally nodded, wiping his eyes. "Y-yeah um, that works.

"Are you sure?" I asked. "You don't have to do this if you're not comfortable. We could go with you, if you want.

"No, thanks, but I'll be fine."

I gave Alec a skeptical look, picking up my phone again.

 _He says he'll come. But I swear, Dan Howell, you better have a good explanation for what you did. If I find out you intentionally hurt Phil, I'll beat your ass._

 ** _Good thing I can explain myself, then_**

 **Phil's POV**

It must have dropped a good ten degrees since I left Dan's house, but I almost didn't notice through the thick coat of sorrow I had wrapped around myself. What little sense was left in me knew that Dan must have a good explanation for what happened, but my mind was screaming.

" _How could you be so stupid?_ "

The closer I got to the playground, the less I felt. The pain I experienced earlier had mostly vanished and was replaced with an aching emptiness in the deepest pit of my stomach. What if Dan was cheating? I really should have seen it coming: it's not like he really loved me. How could he? I'm a clingy attention whore who dumps all of my problems on other people. I don't even love me.

Before I knew it, I was there. I considered turning around, but forced myself to trudge on. Pushing my way through the foliage, I stepped into the clearing.

Dan was sitting on one of the swings, and looked up when he saw me.

"What happened to your cheek?" I asked, noticing the trail of dried blood running down his face.

"Not important," he brushed the question off, standing up. "Can we talk?" He asked nervously.

"Well I didn't come here to have a picnic," I muttered, immediately regretting it.

" _Jerk,_ " my mind spat.

"I didn't kiss Amanda, she kissed me, I swear."

I didn't respond, waiting for him to continue.

"She pinned me down, I couldn't do anything to push her off, I'm sorry. I would never cheat on you Phil, especially not with _her_." Dan looked at me with desperation.

" _Amanda sexually harassed Dan, and all you could think about was yourself. Why am I not surprised?"_ I dug my fingernails into my palm, trying to block out the intruding thoughts.

"Are you okay?" I asked, biting my lip with worry.

"Yes, I think. Just please Phil, tell me you believe me," Dan's voice cracked; he hurriedly brushed tears out of his eyes.

"I do," I whispered, walking towards him.

Dan let out a sigh of relief, meeting me halfway in a tight hug. He sobbed into my shoulder; I stared blankly at the ground.

After a minute, I pushed him away.

"Did she do this?" I asked, brushing my fingers over the cut on his cheek.

"No, it's nothing, just an accident."

I pressed a light kiss over the cut, resting our foreheads together. "Okay."

"I love you so much, you know that, right?" Dan asked.

I nodded, trying my best to believe it. "I love you too."

Dan moved his arms up around my neck, gently connecting our lips.

It was now that I began crying again. I did love Dan, I loved him _so_ much, and I was scared that if I didn't hold on tight enough, I would lose him. It was with this thought in my head that I wrapped my arms around his waist, pulling him closer.

 **A/N: wow this chapter is almost 2k words.**

 **I'm tired and want more bread,,, wHy IS mY lIfE so HarD**


	32. Chapter 29

**A/N:**

 **Q:what's your favorite meme?**

 **A: I like salt bae, but I think my favorite is the poems about animals licking things.**

 ***Long chapter ahead, wowo***

 **WC: 1918**

 **Dan's POV**

 **Two day's after the Amanda incident.**

Phil's gentle stirring awoke me early Saturday morning. He moved away from me, trying to get out of bed, but I quickly pulled him back in protest. He let out a tired laugh, wrapping an arm around me.

"Thank God it's Saturday," I muttered, clinging to his shirt.

Phil hummed in agreement, stroking my hair back soothingly.

"How much sleep did you get last night?" I asked.

He sighed deeply, "Not enough.

"We could just hang around here for the rest of the day?" I suggested.

"That sounds great." He grinned, pressing a kiss to my nose.

I laughed, blushing.

"You're pretty adorable, you know that, right?" I could hear the smirk in Phil's voice.

"Shut up," I groaned, burying my face in his shirt.

"Really though, you're like a cute little kitten sometimes."

"I am not!" I scoffed, pushing him away.

"Okay fine, you're right. You're a cute little kitten _all the time_."

"Shut up."

Phil grinned cheekily, but the smile didn't seem to quite reach his exhausted eyes.

"Are you sure you don't want to go see a doctor?" I asked worriedly. "You haven't slept well in weeks, you need to get medicine for it."

Phil shook his head, "We can pick up some sleeping pills at the drugstore; I'm getting pretty tired of hospitals and doctor offices."

"If you think that's what will work best," I smiled, rubbing his arm gently.

"It is," Phil reassured me. "Now, let's go get some breakfast."

The two of us quietly made our way downstairs, my parents weren't awake yet.

"Cereal okay?" Phil asked, looking through the pantry.

"I'm surprised we have any left considering how much of it you eat," I snapped playfully at him.

Phil rolled his eyes, pouring us both a bowl. "Well I wouldn't have to eat all your cereal if you left me any pancakes.

"Touché," I muttered, glaring at him.

"Do you want to watch a movie today?" Phil suggested, taking a bite of his food.

I nodded. "Can we watch a horror movie? There's some good ones on Netflix I've been wanting to see."

Phil shrugged, "Whatever you want, babe."

I bit my lip, trying to suppress a smile; I loved nicknames so much.

"You okay?" Phil raised an eyebrow, noticing my grin.

"Yeah, I'm great," I muttered, a blush rising in my cheeks.

Phil just smirked, returning to his breakfast.

We spent the majority of the day watching movies in my room, which was really just an excuse for me to cuddle up to him for several hours at a time. The movie we were watching wasn't particularly scary, but that didn't stop me from scooting closer to Phil any time there was a suspenseful scene. By the end of the movie, I was practically lying on him.

"That was pretty cheesy, don't you think?" Phil asked, turning the TV off.

I just shrugged, burying my face into his jumper.

A small chime rang out from Phil's phone and he picked it up, reading the message.

"Who is it?" I asked, fiddling with my hoodie string.

"It's Val. her and Alec are near by and were wondering if they could drop in to say hey, that okay with you?"

I nodded, sitting up and stretching. "Sounds great. You're not too tired, are you?"

Phil shook his head, "I'll be fine."

Ten minutes later, my phone lit up with a message.

 _"We're here"_

I laughed slightly, inviting her to come in.

"You know we have a doorbell, right?" I asked as Val walked through the door.

"I don't do doorbells," She said coolly, plopping down on the couch, Alec greeted us then took a seat next to her.

We spent the remainder of the afternoon talking about everything and nothing at the same time. Most of our conversation topics were light and comical, but eventually a more serious matter came up.

"So then I had to run home and—wait, did you guys hear about Anthony?" Val asked suddenly, completely forgetting about the story she was telling.

"No, what is it?" Phil asked.

"Well basically, it turns out his little brother had been in the hospital for quite a while with some sort of sickness. Apparently the poor kid died the other day."

"Oh my gosh…" I gasped, covering my mouth. "Phil, do you think that was who he was talking to that night in the hospital?" I asked, recalling the event.

"Probably," Phil muttered.

"Wait…w-what are y-you talking a-about?" Alec asked, giving us a concerned look.

"I got put in the hospital one night. I um… hit my head kinda hard, and Dan came to visit me. " Phil explained quickly, clearly not up to explaining the whole thing.

Alec and Val nodded, but it was clear they both knew there was more to the story.

Phil was quick to change the subject back to Anthony. "I hope their family is okay…" He muttered. "Anthony may be an asshole, but no one deserves to lose someone like that…"

I smiled at him, taking my hand in his and pressing a kiss to it. "I love how humble you are."

Phil blushed, staring at his lap.

"Get a room…" Val muttered, staring at us in disgust.

Alec shoved his sister lightly. "Sh-Shut up, t-t-they're cu-cute!"

We all burst out laughing, and the conversation carried on.

 **Phil's POV**

I stared scornfully at my reflection in the bathroom mirror; hating the person I saw looking back at me.

" _Dan is getting tired of you, he's getting bored. You and I both know you're not a very interesting person."_

That's not true; it's a stupid thing to get worked up over.

 _"You think it's a dumb thing to be depressed about? Then why don't you give yourself a real reason to be upset?"_

My gaze drifted down to a shaving razor lying on the counter. No, I couldn't do it. It had been almost eight months since I had last done something… I couldn't break my clean streak now….

 _"You deserve it."_

I picked up the object with shaking hands and looked down at my wrists. Most of the scars had faded to thin, white lines.

 _"Just one."_

I stared at the razor for a moment more before setting it down with shaking hands. I couldn't do it; if I did it once I would do it again and again.

Instead, I retreated into my room, lying back on the bed.

 _"Coward."_

 _"Idiot."_

 _"Attention whore."_

 _"Liar."_

I subconsciously moved my hand to my arm, clawing at my skin. I was sick of this. Why the hell couldn't my brain work right? Why did I have to be such a terrible person who drags everybody down with them? Dan would be so much better without me… What if I just left? He might be sad at first, but he would later realize it was for the best. It was selfish to stay here, to stay with him.

I noticed a pair of scissors on my desk, and quickly made a grab for them. I sat back on my bed, turning them around in my hands.

 _"Why can't you just kill yourself already? It's not like you're contributing to anything_."

I let out a frustrated sob, quickly biting down on my lip to silence my crying. I didn't want to bother Dan. I opened the scissors slowly, running my finger over the edge.

 _"What are you even upset about? Some people have it much worse. Suck it up._ "

My grip tightened on the blade as my mind lashed out at me.

 _"Why are you so messed up?"_

A sharp pain licked my hand, causing me to gasp and drop the scissors. A long, thin cut ran across the inside of my left hand, blood beginning to pool in them.

I let out another cry, applying pressure to the injury.

 _"Why can't you be normal?"_

I grabbed the open scissors with my uninjured, hand, pressing it down on the soft skin of my wrist. I was just about to make the cut when my door swung open.

"Phil, what…" For a moment, Dan stared at me in surprised shock, but finally, it clicked. "Phil…no…" Dan's face fell in heartbreak as he rushed forward.

"I'm so sorry," My voice cracked as I began to cry harder, falling into his embrace.

"Are you okay? Did you do anything?" Dan grabbed my hand tenderly, examining my wrist.

I shook my head, holding out my bleeding hand. "J-just my hand."

"Oh Phil… Come on, follow me," He helped me up, gently guiding me to the bathroom.

"Sit down here," Dan motioned to the side of the tub, rummaging through the cabinets.

I sat where I was told, sniffling quietly.

Eventually Dan turned around with some bandages and rubbing alcohol in his arms.

"Here, let me," Dan sat on the tub rim next to me, wetting a tissue with the alcohol and gently blotting at the cut.

I winced grabbing Dan's wrist tightly.

"Shh, it's okay, just bear with me," Dan whispered, taking my hand and setting it in my lap. "Did you do this on purpose?" Dan looked at me with such pity it made me want to vomit.

"I'm fine I-I'm just tired and—"

"Don't lie to me Phil. Please, just tell me what's going on."

I began crying again; how was I supposed to not bother Dan with my problems when I couldn't keep it together for more than twenty-four hours? "I'm just—I can't sleep, I'm having self-harm urges and I feel like I'm being such a nuisance you. I'm just so damn sick of waking up everyday dreading life because I know it will find some way to screw me over!

"Phil…" Dan shook his head, tenderly wrapping my hand in bandage. "Have I ever done anything to make you think I didn't love you?"

"That's just it!" I yelled, getting angrier and angrier by the second. "You haven't, and I know you haven't, but it's like once the idea gets placed in my head, I can't do anything to get rid of it!"

"Baby," Dan scooted closer, gently placing his hand on my thigh. "You know I'd—"

"Stop it!" I yelled, standing up. "I don't want your pity, okay? I want it to all just go away!"

Dan looked at me with dismay. "Phil, you know I can't make that happen…" Dan stood up, "Trust me, I would sell my soul if it meant making you happy."

My heart twisted with guilt, I shouldn't have lashed out at him. "I know, I'm sorry…"

"Don't be, you have every right to be upset. I know your anger isn't aimed at me," Dan smiled softly, rubbing my arm. "I don't fully understand what you're going through right now, but I promise I will help you get through it."

There were about five million things I wanted to say to Dan right now, but sometimes you can't put love into words. So instead, I pulled him into a hug. Dan gives great hugs.

He was too short for me to reach his shoulder, so instead I cried softly into his hair as he rubbed light circles in my back.

"I believe in you, you will get through this," He whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to my collarbone.

"Thank you," I whispered, kissing his forehead. "That really does mean a lot."

My life may be a landfill of depression, anxiety, and insomnia, but at least it wasn't all bad.

 **A/N: that took me a long time lmao, I cut a lot out of the first two drafts.**

 **School tomorrow, uhg**


	33. Chapter 30

**A/N: sorry this is a bit later than usual, I've been pretty busy these past few weekends**

 **I literally have no idea what to write, so this will probably end up as more or a filler than anything, sorry :/**

 **Edit: it actually came out pretty close to the length of a normal chapter.**

Dan's POV

Morning sunlight crept across the bedsheets—the color reminded me of honey. Its warmth was comforting, but it didn't fully make up for the absence of Phil, who had been there when I fell asleep.

"Phil?" Sleep still had a firm grip on my throat, making it difficult for me to raise my voice.

Grumbling to myself, I got out of bed, pulling a blanket around my shoulders. After checking the bathroom and his bedroom, I continued my search downstairs.

I found Phil in the kitchen. He was sitting quietly in a rocking chair facing the window, a coffee mug in hand. His ebony hair was sticking up in a few spots, but he still took my breath away.

"Dan?" He turned around.

I walked up behind him, draping my arms over his shoulders, "Morning," I pressed a kiss to his cheek.

"Good morning indeed!" A loud voice agreed from behind us.

The two of us jumped. A bit of coffee sloshed over the edge of Phil's mug and he swore quietly.

"Dad, when did you get back?" I walked over to hug my father.

"Probably about four in the morning." I felt the vibrations in his chest as he laughed. "I can't even begin to describe how jetlagged I am right now."

I looked at him with confusion, "I thought you were just going to Manchester?"

"That was the plan," Dad responded wearily, "They moved me to California at the last minute."

Phil looked thoughtful. "I've always wanted to go to Cali... What's it like?"

I laughed to myself as my father went off on a detailed description of the American state, Phil listening with deep interest.

After a very long-winded conversation, my dad realized he was late to a lunch meeting and quickly rushed out.

"I'll take you to California some day," I stated.

"That would be amazing." Phil smiled briefly, but the grin quickly fell from his face.

Memories of last night brushed my conscious mind. "How do you feel?"

"How do I feel?" Phil let out a humorless chuckle. "I feel like I mentally got hit by a bus," His tone was light, but the bags under his eyes gave away his exhaustion.

"Do you want to go out today?" I suggested, "We could get lunch somewhere."

"Fast food?" Phil suggested.

I smiled, pleased he was feeling well enough to leave the house. "I'll get the keys."

Phil driving, I was left in the passenger seat with complete control over the radio. It was only a matter of time before I had the High School Musical 2 soundtrack playing. For the first few minutes, Phil was rather annoyed when I began singing along loudly; however, he joined in only a moment later.

"Cause I don't dance!" I sang loudly.

"I say you can!" Phil added.

"Not a chance, no!"

"If I could do this well, you could do that."

"But I don't dance!"

 _(All credit to the High School Musical producer people, I don't own this song please don't sue me.)_

Laughing loudly, the two of us continued singing various songs off the soundtrack until we made it to the restaurant, ordered food, and returned home.

...

"I don't know what I would do without fries," I moaned, taking a large bite of my food.

"Same," Phil reached over, picking a fry off my plate.

I glared at him, swatting his hand away. "You have your own food!"

"Yeah, but it tastes better when you steal them." Phil shrugged, an impish grin tugging at his mouth.

I just rolled my eyes, reclining against his chest. Somehow, we managed to find a comfortable way to lie on the couch with our food.

I went to dip my fry in the ketchup, but suddenly an idea formed in my head. "Phil?"

"Yeah?"

"You have something on your face." I dipped my finger into the sauce.

"Where?" Phil wiped the back of his hand across his mouth.

"Right..." I quickly reached up, smearing ketchup across his mouth. "there."

"Dan!" Phil shrieked, grabbing a napkin and wiping it off. "Did I get it all?"

"Not quite, you missed a spot," before Phil could speak, I leaned forward and kissed him.

"I hate you," He muttered, wrapping his arms around my waist.

Running a hand through his hair, I grinned into the kiss. "I know."

Perfectly content, we continued like that for a few moments more, then finally pulled away.

"I love weekends so much... I don't want to go to school tomorrow," Phil grumbled, gently combing his fingers through my hair.

I pressed another kiss to his cheek. "Me neither. Let's drop out of school and move to Japan."

"What about money?"

I thought for a moment. "We can become strippers."

Phil's chest rose and fell with a heavy sigh. " _No._ "

"Hey," I sat up to face him, "the average stripper makes 160 pounds a week."

A look of consideration passed over Phil's face. "Tempting... but no."

I sighed, resting my head on his chest. "Fine."

With Phil's hand gently smoothing back my hair, I probably would have fallen asleep if it weren't for the loud, obnoxious ringing of his phone.

"Probably Val," Phil muttered, grabbing his phone from his pocket.

"Tell her to call later," I muttered, burying my head into his neck.

Phil held up his phone, squinting at the screen. He suddenly went rigid. "I need to take this," He muttered, pushing me off of him and standing up.

"Philly?" I grabbed his hand pleadingly but he shook me off, too distracted by the contact on his phone.

"Just give me a moment, darling," With that, he hurried out of the room.

I reclined back on the couch, which now seemed so much bigger and colder than it had been before. I briefly considered eavesdropping, but decided against it; I trusted Phil, if something was wrong, he'd tell me.

After several tense minutes, Phil returned to the room. His face was grim and he was clutching his phone tightly.

I stood up from my spot on the couch. I had heard Phil raise his voice angrily several times, but I couldn't distinguish what he was upset about.

Phil swallowed. "It's my mum..."

I didn't know much about Phil's mum, just what he had told me. To be honest, she didn't seem a whole lot better than his dad. She might not have physically harmed him, but she didn't stop his dad from abusing him either.

"What about her, is she alright?"

Phil nodded slowly, staring at the floor with an odd look on his face. "Yes, it's just... she wants to come back and talk to me. She's found a place to live in America and Dan..." He looked up, finally meeting my eyes. "I think she wants me to move in with her."

 **A/N: okay, so this chapter wasn't** ** _totally_** **uneventful. (I don't think I wrote this to my full abilities tho, oops...)**


	34. Chapter 31

**A/N: Is this story getting boring? Please be honest with me if you want more action.**

 **Also, I know I keep promising more updates and stuff, but school has caused me to always be busy or tired for the past month or so and I've been doing a lot on weekends lately as well. I'm going to try really hard to have a better updating pattern, so hopefully, I will get back on track!**

 **Dan's POV**

I stared at Phil blankly, the echo of his words ringing in my ears, "I think she wants me to move in with her."

After what seemed like minutes, I finally found my voice. "No… she can't just abandon you then come barging back into your life and expect you to what she wants!" Phil and I had gone through so much to get where we were now; for the universe to try and take that away from us now had to be some sort of cruel joke.

Phil nodded understandingly, "I know, I don't like it either. But hey, she didn't make it sound like a definite thing, so don't worry about it, okay?"

Phil's feeble attempt to be positive did very little to calm the anxieties rushing through my mind. "But it's still a possibility, she wouldn't have brought it up if she wasn't serious! I can't lose you now, not when we're finally pulling everything together! You can't leave me, you have to stay here and-" My voice cracked. I averted my gaze to my shoes, hiding the watery sheen that had covered my eyes.

"Dan," Phil walked over to me, taking my hands in his, "look at me."

I kept my gaze on the ground, hastily trying to blink the tears out of my eyes.

"Dan…" Phil's hand moved to my chin, turning my head gently. " _look at me_."

I met his eyes; much to my surprise, he looked completely calm.

"I've found a home here, with you and your parents; these past few weeks mark the first time in years I've lived somewhere I felt safe." He moved his other hand to my jaw, cupping my face in his hands, "And I'll be damned if my Mum thinks she can take all of this away from me. She can try all she wants, but I'm not going anywhere, understand?"

A hot tear ran down my cheek and I nodded, throwing my arms around Phil's shoulders. Leaning forward, I met his lips in a kiss. His hair was soft where it brushed my hands, and he smelt like coffee and syrup. His warmth was so familiar to me; hugging him was like being wrapped up in a blanket I had had since I was a child. The thought of never being able to kiss Phil again briefly crossed my mind; not ungently, I pulled him closer, cherishing the feeling of his arms wrapped securely around me. With one hand pressed into the small of my back, Phil brought his other hand up, wiping the tears from my cheek.

Eventually, we pulled away. I felt lightheaded; whether from adrenaline or lack of oxygen, I didn't know.

"I'm never going to get tired of that," I muttered, resting my forehead on Phil's shoulder.

"Good," Phil wrapped me in an embrace, "Because you're gonna be stuck with me for quite a while."

 **Phil's POV**

"I got breakfast!" My boyfriend returned to my room with a steaming plate of pancakes; the only thing in the world that could make a Monday morning pleasant—besides Dan himself, of course.

I looked up and felt as if the breath had been knocked out of me. Sunlight was Streaming through the windows, casting a heavenly glow upon Dan's lightly tanned skin. His eyes were a lighter brown than usual, and his dark hair was flecked with streaks of gold. I'm not sure I believe in angels, but if they are real, I like to imagine this is what they look like.

"Damn," I grinned.

"What?" Dan blushed.

"Are you a parking ticket?"

" _Sorry_?" Dan cocked his head slightly, reminding me of a puppy.

"Because you've got fine written all over you," I smirked.

Dan stared at me blankly. "…Did you actually just use that horrible pick-up line on me? You do realize we've been dating for several months now, right?"

"So what? I can't tell you you're hot?"

"I never said that," Dan grinned, setting the pancakes down and handing me a plate.

I laughed, kissing his cheek.

"Now eat," Dan cut a piece of pancake off and fed it to me, laughing. However, the moment he thought I wasn't looking, the grin slipped from his face; it was obvious we were avoiding the subject of my mum.

"Dan?" I brushed a strand of hair away from his face, turning his head to look at me, "Are we really going to pretend we don't have anything to talk about?"

Dan sighed, looking down. "I was kinda hoping we could, actually…"

I gave a half-hearted laugh, pressing a kiss to the temple of his head. "We'll put it off for a little bit, but we still need to tell your mum.

Dan nodded, clearly eager to change the subject. "So, your birthday is coming up; I was thinking I could take you out to dinner?"

I stared at him in shock; I had completely forgotten about my birthday! What day was it now? January twenty-sixth?

"Oh, yeah…"

Dan's face fell, and I hurried to reassure him. "I mean, that sounds great! It's just, with everything going on, I didn't realize how close it was…"

Dan laughed, shaking his head. "Well, _I_ remembered. I made us reservations at a restaurant in London this Saturday. It's kind of a fancy place, so I hope you don't mind dressing up."

"Dan, you really didn't have to do all that, I would have been fine with McDonald's in our PJs."

Dan grinned. "As nice as that sounds, I want to do this for you; My only regret is everything else going on right now…" The unspoken topic of me moving hung over our heads like a heavy smog. "Speaking of, how are you? Mentally, I mean?"

I thought for a moment. "I'm…okay. The way I feel now is nothing compared to the way I used to feel," I answered honestly.

"That's good to hear," Dan took another bite of pancake. "Do you think it will ever completely go away, your depression?"

I gave a dry laugh. "I hope so, I'm praying that this is just a teenage thing and it won't follow me into adulthood, but who knows? Maybe I will be stuck with it. I can only hope for the best."

"I think you'll beat this;" Dan gave me a sympathetic smile, resting his hand on my thigh, "you've grown a lot since I first met you. We both have."

An adoring smile crept onto my face, and I pulled Dan closer to me. "I love you so much."

"I know," Dan smiled coyly, leaning into me, "I'm pretty amazing."

I just laughed, pressing a firm kiss to his head. "You're not wrong. Now, hurry up. We're already going to be late to school as it is."

We were on our way to third period when I spotted Anthony in the hallway.

"He looks terrible," Dan muttered.

He was right, it seemed that the death of his little brother had really taken its toll on him. He had dark bags under his eyes, his hair was a greasy bird nest on his head, and it looked as if he had been wearing the same outfit for three days.

I bit my lip in hesitation before I began walking towards him.

"Phil?" I could hear Dan calling after me, but I ignored him.

"Anthony?" I tapped him on the shoulder, just now beginning to wonder if this had been a bad idea.

The boy turned around, looking rather shocked and angry. For a moment I was worried he would punch me, but the look quickly slipped off his face and was replaced by one of sorrow. "What do you want, Lester?"

I swallowed. "I want to offer my condolences; I know how it feels to lose a loved one."

Anthony looked shocked for a moment, glancing over my shoulder to where I assumed Dan must be standing before returning his gaze to me. "Who did you lose?" The question caught me off guard; I was expecting him to yell at me.

"My dad: he didn't physically die, but he isn't the same person he was when I was little. In a way, I did lose him."

Anthony stared at me for a few more seconds before he responded. It was a simply reply, but coming from Anthony, it meant a lot more than it usually would. "Thank you."

"I can't believe you just did that!" Dan whispered as we walked to our class.

I just shrugged. "Anthony might not be a good person, but he's not a bad person either, not yet. When people don't know how to cope with bad things, they transform their sadness into anger; that's what destroys a person. I'm just hoping that someone will show Anthony what it means to be truly loved before he ends up like my dad."

Dan grabbed by hand, giving it a tight squeeze. "How the hell did I end up with such an amazing boyfriend?"

I smiled, bringing his hand to my mouth and pressing a kiss to his knuckles. "I ask myself the same thing every day."

 **A/N: I'm on spring brea S**

 **You guys should comment stuff because I like reading everything :)**


	35. Chapter 32

**A/N: I feel like when I write this now I'm doing it more because I love writing rather than because I ship Phan.**

 **WC: 2,059 wow this is long**

 **(Do y'all like having a word count?)**

 **Dan's POV**

I had everything planned perfectly for Phil's birthday this Saturday; and although I was looking forward to our dinner date, I was dreading the day after. For it was Sunday that Phil's Mum's plane landed, and we'd find out whether or not Phil would continue living in the same house as us, or rather, the same country.

So it was much to my pleasure and dismay that the week sped by, and suddenly it was Saturday.

"So, what exactly did you mean when you said to dress 'nice"? Phil asked, rummaging through his closet. "Like, 'house party' nice, or 'your strict aunt's wedding' nice?"

I laughed, tossing aside the clothing catalogue I had been absentmindedly thumbing through. "Neither. Try 'semi-casual movie red carpet event.'"

"Huh," Phil mused, "that's specific."

"More specific than 'your strict aunt's wedding?'"

"Touché," The boy muttered, pulling out yet another button-down and holding it up to his torso. "Shouldn't you be getting ready too?"

I shook my head, "I already picked out my outfit. I did that last Friday, actually. It won't take me long to get dressed."

Phil raised an eyebrow. "You're going to leave your hair curly?"

I raised a hand to my fringe, running my fingers through the hair. Sure enough, it was curling at the ends. "Are you fu—" I trailed off, jumping off of Phil's bed and hurrying back to my own room.

"I think it's cute!" Phil yelled from down the hall.

"That makes one of us."

Roughly half an hour later, I was ready to go. I had chosen a simple pair of black skinny jeans, a black button-down, and a black tie. The Only color in my outfit was the swirling metallic gold pattern that crept over the fabric of my—otherwise black—blazer. It was a bold statement, even for me, but I liked it.

"That's a bit flashy," Phil noted, leaning against the doorframe.

I spun around and felt as if the breath had been knocked out of me. Was this the first time I'd seen him in a suit? It sure felt like it. Besides his usual black skinny jeans, Phil was wearing a snug-fitting white button down with a black tie and black blazer. I couldn't help but notice the gold chain of the necklace I gave him peeking out from under his collar. The outfit was simple, yet for some reason I was having trouble breathing.

"You look amazing…" Phil spoke breathlessly, walking towards me.

"I could say the same for you…" I muttered, straightening my tie.

"We should probably get going… Am I driving?"

I nodded. "Yeah, let's go," My mum had been nice enough to lend us her car for the evening.

"We're going now. Be back soon, Mum!" I called as we walked to the front door.

"Wait!" My mum hurried out of the kitchen, camera in hand. "I want some pictures before you leave!"

"Mum!" I groaned loudly.

Phil only laughed, wrapping an arm around my waist and facing the camera. My mom quickly got a few pictures, then sent us on our way. Not without a few rules, of course.

"Be back before eleven!"

"Yes Mum."

"And don't you have anything to drink, understand me?"

"Yes mum."

"And if either one of you aren't comfortable with something the other tries to do, you be sure to let them know—"

" _Okay, Mum,_ " I spoke through gritted teeth, my face heating up.

"Alright, Alright," She grinned, patting my on my back. "I wont hold you up anymore."

So _finally_ we were on our way.

 **Phil's POV**

I was trying to keep my eyes on the road, but it was difficult when I could see Dan

staring at me out of the corner of my eye.

Finally, I spoke up. "You're staring."

"Yep." Dan agreed. "Just admiring the view," he spoke smugly.

I blushed, suddenly thankful for the dimness of the car.

A short drive later, I found myself standing in front of a very expensive looking restaurant.

Grabbing my hand, Dan walked me through the front doors which, come to think of it, might have been solid gold.

"Reservation for Howell?" Dan exchanged a few words with the lady at the front desk and she began flipping though her book. I took the opportunity to look in awe around the place. Gold, bedazzled chandeliers hung from the ceiling. Crisp, white tablecloths were draped over wooden tables, a unique flower arrangement on each one. There was even a large fountain in the center of the room. "How much did this cost you?" I muttered into Dan's ear as we were escorted to a table.

"Not too much, actually," Dan shrugged. "I know a guy," He added, noticing my confused expression.

Before I could ask his relations to this guy, we were handed our menus.

"I'm not even sure I know what half of this is…" I muttered, scanning the menu.

"It's not _too_ extravagant, is it?" Dan looked at me nervously. This dinner was clearly a big deal to him.

"No, no! Of course not, darling. It's amazing, actually," I reassured him, looking around at the fancy decorations.

Dan smiled, grabbing my hand over the table. "Good. Now, pick what ever you want, well, that's not like over five hundred pounds or something ridiculous… I don't have _that_ much money…" He added awkwardly.

"Dan, We could be eating a left over box of pizza in your living room and I would love it, don't worry," I gave his hand a tight squeeze.

Dan smiled, clearly pleased with himself, and looked back at the menu.

After ordering, we fell into light conversation.

"I know I've already said it, but happy birthday, Phil," Dan smiled lovingly at me, a look that still made the butterflies in my stomach awaken.

"Thank you," I smiled.

Dan nodded, a nervous look washing over his face. "I um, didn't really know what to get you, but I finally thought of something…" Dan was blushing a deep red, "so I um, hope you like it," Dan muttered, placing a box on the table.

I reached forward and picked it up, noting its light weight. I slid the lid off of it, looking inside. Dan watched nervously as I picked up the CD case, turning it over in my hands.

 _"The songs that make me think of you"_ was scrawled across the front in Dan's messy handwriting.

"Dan…" I murmured, looking up at him.

"O-open it."

I looked back down, opening the casing. A piece of paper was taped to the inside cover.

 _Dear Phil,_

 _I've never been good at expressing my emotions. Not as good as you, at least. So I decided to try talking in a different way. On this CD there are eight songs that all remind me of you for different reasons. I won't write the titles of them ( I want it to be a surprise) but I will write why they made me think of you._

 _1._ _Your smile- This song makes me feel happy no matter the type of day I've had._

 _2._ _Your eyes- Every time I hear this it has a different meaning to me, the same way your eyes always seem to have a new light in them._

 _3._ _Your laugh- I didn't think I'd ever find another sound that made me feel as content as this song did, then I met you._

 _4._ _Your touch- As soft and sweet as this melody._

 _5._ _Falling asleep next to you- Despite hearing this song over and over again, I never get tired of it._

 _6._ _Waking up next to you- The message behind this song is both beautiful and hopeful._

 _7._ _Holding your hand- Holding your hands makes me feel like I belong, much like this song does when I'm being an angsty teen._

 _8._ _Loving you- After that night I kissed you, this song took on a whole new meaning. It speaks of unconditional love, a concept I never could quite grasp, until you._

 _Anyway, I hope this wasn't too cheesy. I love you so damn much, Phil. I hope your birthday is as wonderful as my life has been since we met._

 _Yours truly,_

 _Dan x_

I didn't realize I was crying until a tear spattered down onto my hand. "Dan…" I whispered, wiping my eyes with my sleeve. "I-I don't know what to say…"

"It's not too cringy, is it?" Dan asked, biting his lip nervously.

"No! Not at all, I just…" I shook my head, taking his hands in mine. "This is the sweetest thing that I've ever been given."

Dan let out a deep breath, smiling proudly.

"Thank you so much," I laughed, wiping another tear off my cheek.

Both of us feeling happier than we had for quite a while, we pushed thoughts of tomorrow away, instead discussing everything from our favorite subjects to fantasizing about what color scheme our future wedding could have.

"I think black is a great color," Dan spoke thoughtfully, taking a bite of his food.

"Dan," I shook my head in disbelief, "we couldn't have a _black_ wedding!"

"Why not?"

"we would need something cheerier, like gold or blue—"

"Gold?" Dan looked at me as if I were crazy. "How much more extra could you be?"

I scoffed. "Gold is _not_ extra. _I_ think it's a great idea."

"You also thought it would be a great idea to skip class to go get smoothies," He pointed out.

"Oh come on," I rolled my eyes, "You and I both know the detention was worth it…"

Our conversation continued late into the evening, until Dan suddenly realized we should get going.

"Its already almost ten thirty! Mum wanted us back by eleven."

Leaving the best tip we could afford on the table (dinner cost a lot), we hurried out to the car.

"Did I mention how good you look in a suit?" Dan asked. We had arrived back home later than we were supposed to, but luckily for us, Dan's mom had already fallen asleep.

"You might have," I laughed mirthfully, draping my arms around his shoulders. "But it wouldn't hurt to hear it again."

Dan laughed. " _You look good in a suit._ "

"Thank you," I grinned, brushing the hair out of his eyes. I started to lean in for a kiss, but stopped short. "If you're uncomfortable," I began, quoting the words he had said before our first kiss, " _then_ _stop me_."

Dan rolled his eyes, letting out a soft noise of amusement. "Come here, you," Dan reached up, using my tie to close the distance between us. I dropped my hands down to his sides, pulling him closer as his hands ran through my hair.

My mum was coming tomorrow, and after that, well, I didn't know what the future held for Dan and I. To be honest, as long as we were together, I really didn't give a damn.

I pushed the thoughts of the future out of my head, focusing on the present.

I laughed to myself as I noticed that Dan had to stand on his tip-toes to reach my lips properly. _Shorty._

"I love you so much," Dan spoke softly as he pulled away, resting his head on my shoulder.

"I love you too," I whispered into his hair, puling him into a hug.

"Stay with me?" Dan asked. Although we hadn't talked about the issue of what tomorrow would bring, I knew we had both been thinking about it.

"Of course," I brushed the hair out of his eyes. "I'm gonna go get a change of clothes."

"Hurry back," Dan winked.

I rolled my eyes, shoving him away. "Oh, shut up."

Changed into my pajamas, I crawled into bed next to my boyfriend, wrapping an arm around his waist.

"I had fun tonight, thank you," I whispered, pulling him closer to me.

"I did too," Dan muttered, cupping my face, "Though, I always do when I'm with you."

I let out a small laugh, pressing another kiss to his lips.

With my arms wrapped securely around Dan, I had almost fallen asleep when his soft voice spoke up.

"Phil?"

"Mhm?" I intertwined our fingers.

He seemed to hesitate for a moment before continuing. "Don't ever leave me."

I smiled sadly, pulling him closer to me. "Not in a million years."

 **A/N: There's only like 10ish chapters left ( I think) wowo .**

 **This chapter was like 100% fluff, hope you don't mind**


	36. Chapter 33

**A/N:**

 **I'm not really in a writing mood but oh well**

 **WC: 2010**

 **Question: how do y'all feel about Dan changing his username and branding?**

 **Answer: I think it's a good change tbh, Dan (or Daniel, as he says now) is a different person than he was all those years ago—I think he made a good choice switching things up a bit.**

 **Dan's POV**

I had been listening to the persistent sound of Phil pacing for the past twenty minutes. As irritating as the creaking floorboards were, I could hardly blame him; his mum was supposed to show up any minute.

"Phil, I'm sure everything will go just fine," My mum offered hopefully.

Phil dismissed her comment with a slight grunt.

"Are you sure there's nothing we can do?" I asked again, already knowing the answer.

"I'm sorry Dan," Mum sighed, "we don't have legal custody over Phil; our hands are tied."

"Don't worry about it Mrs. H, I'm sure it will all work out…"

"Phil—" I began to respond when Phil interrupted. "Actually um, Mrs. Howell, could I talk to Dan for a moment, in private?"

Mum nodded, giving Phil a sympathetic look before retreating to the kitchen. The moment she was out of sight, Phil collapsed on the couch next to me.

"Hey, come here," I wrapped him in a tight hug, smoothing his hair down.

"I-I'm sorry," Phil muttered, resting his head against mine, "It's just, I haven't seen my mum in months and now I have to tell her that I won't go with her…it probably doesn't seem like that big of a deal since we were never extremely close, but she's my Mum, you know?"

"Yeah, I think I get it..." I bit my lip in hesitation before continuing, "Phil?"

"Yeah?"

I pushed him away, looking at him solemnly. "If you do go with your mum, you're going to meet new people…so don't wait on me. If you meet someone you lo—" I choked on the word, suddenly finding it difficult to talk, "s-someone you love, don't worry about us. I just want you to be happy, even if it means you're not with me…"

Phil said nothing, staring at me with an unreadable expression.

After a few seconds, I spoke up. "Phil?"

The boy sighed, closing his eyes slowly, "Dan, you're an idiot,"

"Sorry?"

"First off," Phil took my hands in his, looking at me tiredly, "I'm not going anywhere; I don't want to go to America, I don't want to live with my mum. Secondly, I love you way too damn much to let the Atlantic Ocean break us up."

"Oh…" I felt my face heat up, a feeling of relief washing over me.

"Do you believe me, or do you need proof?" Phil asked, a hint of a smile on his lips. "Profwldbeice…" I muttered.

"Come again?" Phil leaned closer, tilting his ear towards me.

"Proof," I looked up at my boyfriend. "I said 'proof would be nice,'"

Phil laughed softly, leaning forward and pressing a gentle kiss to my lips; a reassuring feeling in the mixture of emotions we were both feeling.

"Phil? Oh—" My mum walked into the room but stopped short when she saw us.

"Mum! What did I say about knocking…" I quickly scooted away from Phil, ignoring the burning sensation in my cheeks.

"I know, I'm sorry. I just thought I should let you two know that Phil's Mum is here."

 **Phil's POV**

The Howells had decided it would be best to give us space, so now the living room was empty except for the lady sitting across from me.

Mum looked the same as she always had. She was tall woman, yet still shorter than me. Her dark hair was tied up in a tight knot on her head, making her grey roots even more noticeable. Premature wrinkles were etched into her skin—they seemed much deeper since I had last seen her—no doubt from the load of stress that had been dropped on her in the past few years. She was dressed in her business attire—a crisp, white blouse paired with a pencil skirt.

"Phil, how are you?" My mum's voice was formal and strangely distant, almost as if she was talking to a complete stranger rather than her own son.

"How am I?" I asked incredulously, "Well, let's see, I suffer from depression and some anxiety issues, my dad abused me horrendously for several years, I've been bullied relentlessly because I'm gay, I—"

"Phil…" My mother sighed wearily, shaking her head, "Let's skip to the real issue, shall we?" Leave it to my mum to talk to her son like he's a client.

I was tempted to make another snarky comment, but held my tongue. "Fine."

"I bought a place in New York, near a branch of the company I work for. There is plenty of room for the both of us and Alex—"

"Alex?" I look at her in confusion.

"Yes, Alex. My boyfriend."

I shook my head, letting out a humorless laugh, "Your husband went to jail only a few months ago and you're already moving on, have you even officially divorced him yet? Then again, that's never stopped you before."

"Phillip Lester, that is quite enough!"

I hadn't realized how angry I was with my Mum until now. "What, are you really going to act like I don't know about all of your affairs? I'm depressed, not stupid."

"You don't understand how hard it was for me to be with that monster! She raised her voice, "do you even know half of the things he did to me?"

A burst of rage raced through my veins. "SHUT UP! Don't try to play the victim here, we both know he cared about you more than me, even before he became dependent on alcohol! Yes, he did treat you horribly, but you don't know what happened when you left on your little 'business trips,' do you?"

"What are you talking about?" Rage and confusion mingled on my mum's face.

"He might have been bad when you were here, but he was worse when you were gone," I twisted my arm around, revealing a smooth, shiny spot on my bicep, "See this? This is where he pressed a hot pan into me because I didn't cook dinner all the way through. And this," I pushed my fringe back, revealing a small white line, "this is where he smashed a plate on my head because he was drunk and I just happened to be there." My voice grew louder and more furious as I continued. "And don't even get me started on all of these," I held my arms out, revealing the scattered scars, "He might not have done this himself, but he was one of the reasons it happened.

"Phil," My mum brought her hands to her mouth, tears beginning to prick her grey-blue eyes. "I had no idea—"

"You had no idea, really? I wonder why? Oh yeah, it's probably because while I was at home being beaten by my drunk bastard of a father, you were in other countries screwing foreigners!" I screamed, panting heavily. The room fell silent, the only audible noise was the blood pounding in my ears.

"Sweetheart," My Mum finally spoke, "I am _so, so sorry_." She broke into sobs.

Despite my anger, I couldn't help but feel guilty. I made my way over to her, sitting down and putting an arm around her. She leaned into me, pulling me into a tight hug. "I-I wish I could fix it! I never knew—I didn't know how much crueler he was to you!" My mum cried into my shoulder, "If I could go back and change it, I would, I swear! Oh my gosh, I'm such a horrible mother…"

"Hey, Mum, it's okay," I soothed her, "I'm sorry too, I shouldn't have said those things,"

"B-but you have every right to be angry with me, Phil! What I've done, that has no excuse," She sat up straight very suddenly, her eyes ablaze with a look of hope, "Please Phil, move to America with me, we can start again, I can be a good mum, even if it is just for a few years."

I shook my head, "That's just it, Mum, I don't _want_ a new life. For the first time in a while I finally think I'm headed in a good direction, I can't leave that now."

"Phil, please, come with me," My mum's voice was softer this time, and so much more desperate, " _please._ "

I tried to refuse, but my voice caught in my throat. Mum was right, she hadn't been a good caretaker. However, I could tell she wasn't faking her apology; she genuinely didn't know what was happening in her own house. Could giving her a second chance really work? I thought about moving to New York, getting to see a new city and a new life. No one would know about my dad, no one would know I almost successfully committed suicide, maybe I could even get medical help for my mental issues. With a jolt, I realized that I could seriously start my life from scratch.

I was seriously weighing the possibilities when I remembered something: there would be no Dan in America. There would be no Val or Alec either. I wouldn't have friends that I could go watch a movie with, no boyfriend to cuddle up to when I couldn't sleep. I would have to adjust to a foreign school system. What I had said earlier was true, my life was getting better; I couldn't leave it all behind now.

"I'm sorry Mum, but I can't. There are people I care about here."

"Oh…" My mum looked at me sadly, wiping the tears from her eyes, "I-I understand."

"Although, if it makes you feel any better, I am open to the idea of starting again. I want to keep in touch; maybe we could start with weekly phone calls?"

For the first time in years, my mum genuinely smiled. "I'd like that, yeah."

I pulled her into another hug before standing up, "What day does your plane leave?"

"Tuesday," She answered.

"Do you want to go get dinner tomorrow? I was hoping we could talk about a few things before you go," There were thousands of things I wanted to ask my Mum about, it would be nice to have a normal conversation for once.

"Yes," Mum nodded, "definitely!"

After arranging a time and place for us to meet, I showed her to the door, bidding her goodbye.

I had barely closed the door behind her when the kitchen door swung open.

"How did everything go?" Dan asked, wrapping an arm around my waist, "I heard a lot of yelling."

"Considering everything, it went…okay. We decided to meet up tomorrow for dinner to discuss some more things, but you already knew that, didn't you?"

Dan looked up at me innocently "Did I?"

"Honestly Dan," I rolled my eyes, "are you really going to pretend you didn't have your ear pressed to the door the entire time?"

Dan shrugged. "It was worth a shot."

I laughed, pulling him into my side.

"Can I ask you something?" Dan's voice had lost any trace of humor it had a moment before.

"Sure."

"Did you almost agree to go with her?"

"Ah," I sighed, pulling him closer, "uh, yes. I did."

"Oh," Dan sounded shocked—hurt, almost.

"But then I thought about everything I would have to leave behind and I realized that leaving was never really an option. Not when you're in love."

Dan shifted slightly in my embrace. "I didn't stop you from doing something you wanted to, did I?"

I shook my head. "Nah, it's more than just you keeping me here. Though I will admit, you're probably my favorite reason for staying."

Dan laughed, intertwining our hands. "You're a dork."

I grinned, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "Yeah, but I'm a _hot_ dork."

Dan just rolled his eyes, shoving me away. "C'mon, dinner is almost ready."

A warm, content feeling rested in my stomach the rest of the night; I knew I had made the right decision.

 **A/N: Just one more week of testing and school is practically over yeEEAHHHH BOIIIII**


	37. Chapter 34

**A/N: Sorry this is a bit late, in all honestly im just lazy lmao. This chapter is more of a filler than a real chapter.**

 **I've also decided to continue my other fic, "Write" so you should check that out if ya want, it's quite different from this story.**

 **Phil's POV/one week later**

"Oh yeah, I've been meaning to ask, how did lunch with your mum go, Phil?" Val asked, twirling a strand of her (now bubblegum pink) hair around her finger.

Dan and I had been spending a lot of time at our friends' house lately. We usually visited with the intention of studying for our big end-of-year tests, but instead ended up talking for hours.

"It was nice," I began, running my hand through Dan's soft hair—he had a tendency of laying down across my legs whenever he could, "It was a bit weird though, it didn't seem like my Mum, more like some distant relative I only see every year or so. She was pretty upset I wouldn't move with her, but she understood my motives for staying."

"Th-th-at's good. That s-she understands, I mean," Alec smiled, brushing a curly strand of sand colored hair away from his eyes.

"Yeah," Dan agreed, "couldn't have my boyfriend running away to America, now could I?"

I laughed, swatting away Dan's hands as he tried to pinch my cheek.

"Uhg, you guys are disgusting," Val complained, shooting us a glare.

Dan rolled his eyes, a smirk forming on his lips. "Oh honey," he began in a horrible accent, "you ain't seen _nothing_ yet _,_ " With that, he sat up and pulled me into a kiss.

I did my best not to laugh as Dan over-dramatically ran his hands through my hair, adding some rather repulsive kissing noises for good measure.

"Dear lord, get a room!" Val groaned, throwing a pillow at us.

Alec looked away, blushing slightly.

Dan finally laid back down, but not before pressing another kiss to my cheek.

I cast a cheeky glance down at Dan, "We'll continue that later, okay, babe?"

Dan smirked, winking up at me. "Oh, _definitely_ …"

"Okay, that's it," Val stood up, "I want snacks and I'm sure as hell not leaving you two alone, especially not in front of my baby brother.

Alec looked down at his hands awkwardly, his face flushed.

Despite Dan's protests, Val managed to drag him off the bed. "Come on Dan, help me take the cupcakes out of the oven."

The two of them receded down the stairs, leaving Alec and I by ourselves.

I liked Alec. Although he was rather quiet and seemingly innocent, I had a theory he hid a universe of thoughts behind those light grey eyes of his.

"You're so lucky to be with someone that l-loves you that much…" He muttered, staring down at his hands. Although he seemed rather cheery, something about the way he was sitting gave away a sad undertone to his comment.

"Hey," I scooted closer to him, "you okay?"

He sighed, looking up at me nervously, "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"H-how did you um, know you were g-gay?"

I looked at him with mild surprise, glancing down at his fidgeting hands then back up at his anxious face. "Well…a few years ago I was playing spin the bottle with a couple of friends of mine. The bottle landed on me and then on my friend, Max. I had always felt very strong emotions towards Max, but I just thought it was because we were friends. I figured he would just give me a peck on the lips or something but well… Max was a bit of a comedian; when he kissed me, he _really kissed me_."

Alec nodded, his face heating up a bit.

"And I don't know, it just felt right. I had kissed girls before, but none of those times felt anything like this. Obviously, I didn't know I was gay on the spot, this is just when I realized I might not be straight."

The younger boy nodded, biting his lip.

"If you don't mind my asking, why did you want to know?"

"Well…" Alec hesitated, his gaze dropping to his hands, "Phil, I-I need to t-tell you s-s-something…" I noticed his stutter was worse than usual. "Please don't be mad!" The boy pleaded. I was shocked to see he looked close to tears.

"Alec," I wrapped my arm around his shoulder, "What is it?"

"I t-th-think I l-like D-Dan…"

My mouth fell open slightly. I had been expecting a lot of things but _that_ had not been one of them, _"Oh"_

"I'm really sorry! I just felt s-so bad and I h-had to tell s-someone! I p-promise I won't d-d-do anything!" Alec sniffled, wiping the tears from his eyes.

"Alec," I pulled him into a hug, "it's okay."

"I-it is?" He asked, voice wavering.

"Of course," I pushed him back, wiping the tears off of his face, "You can't help the way you feel about someone. I trust you enough to know you won't act on these feelings."

"Th-thank you!" Alec pulled me into another hug, "Y-you won't tell him, w-will you?"

I smiled, ruffling the boy's hair, "I wouldn't dream of it."

 **Dan's POV**

Carrying a tray of beautifully decorated cupcakes (courtesy of Val) I followed my friend back up to her room. No matter how many times I had been here, Val's room would never cease to amaze me. The walls were covered in posters for obscure bands I had a hard time believing even existed. Her bedding was an elaborate pink and black pattern, which perfectly matched the deep red wallpaper, or at least, what you could see of it.

"We brought cupcakes!" Val yelled, setting the tray down on the bed.

Not wasting any time, Phil picked one up and took a large bite out of it, moaning loudly. "Val, I think I want you to marry me."

"How typical," Val rolled her eyes, "you only love me when food is involved".

"Hey!" I whined, "What about me?"

"We can talk bout us when you learn to cook like this."

Scowling, I picked up a cupcake and shoved it into his face, leaving a giant spot of strawberry icing on his cheek.

"Dan!" He shrieked

Laughing, I leaned over and licked some off of his cheek. "To be fair, this is hella good."

"You're disgusting," Phil whined, wiping the icing and saliva off his cheek.

I glanced up at Alec, who quickly blushed and looked away.

Confused, I glanced at Phil, but he simply shook his head, returning his focus to his cupcake.

After a brief moment of consideration, I decided not to dwell on it and jumped back into conversation with Val and Phil.

Despite the crushing weight of multiple tests that would determine our future, the four of us managed to maintain high spirits as we continued talking late into the night.

Or, at least until my Mum called telling me Phil and I were supposed to have gone home an hour ago.

 **A/N: A kinda cute little filler.**

 **How do y'all feel about Alec confessing his feelings?**


	38. Chapter 35

**A/N: I get out of school soon, you know what that means…**

 **Also, idk if I said this before but I know very little about British school systems so I'm treating Dan and Phil's school like it's American, sorry**

 **Dan's POV**

"Uhg, look at this," I groaned, holding out my phone towards Phil.

Shoving his schoolwork aside, he took it, glancing down at the message displayed on the screen:

 _"Hey danny boy, im in charge of setting up the end of year dance and i want you and phil's opinion, which theme should we go with?_

 _-Hollywood_

 _-Starry Night_

 _-Tropical party_

 _-Classy_

 _I don't really like the tropical idea, but Annie made me include it :/_

 _Let me know what you think! ^.^"_

"What are you saying "uhg" about?" Phil asked, sliding my phone back to me.

I raised an eyebrow sitting up on my bed, "The school dance? The whole idea of it is just so cliché and pointless.

Phil looked at me oddly, "You think so?"

"Oh definitely," I snorted, "People talk it up to be some amazing and romantic ball, when really it's just a bunch of teenagers either sitting alone in the bleachers or sucking each others' faces off in front of everybody."

Phil's face fell. "Oh, I didn't realize you felt that way," He responded softly, tearing at the corner of his study guide.

"Does it matter that I feel that way?" I asked, leaning back against my pillows.

Phil shrugged, "Kinda, yeah. I mean, I was going to see if you wanted to go but apparently you don't."

A pang of guilt twisted in my stomach, I hadn't even considered Phil might want to go. "You wanted to go with me?"

Phil nodded, glancing up at me sheepishly.

"To be fair, I've haven't been to a dance in a few years, maybe they changed?" I offered, pulling him into a hug.

"You don't have to go if you don't want to; I want you to have a good time," Phil smiled, leaning into my embrace.

I grinned, kissing his cheek. "I always have a good time when I'm with you," Phil blushed at this, "Now, hand me my phone."

I opened up Val's message, typing a quick response.

 _"Hey Val, we both agreed that starry night would be a really cute :)"_

 ** _Phil's POV_**

It was the savory smells of dinner that lured Dan and I downstairs that evening.

"I think my dad was supposed to get home today," Dan thought aloud as we walked downstairs, "I wonder if he made it back yet..."

As if on cue, Dan's father stepped out of the kitchen, enveloping us both into a tight hug. "Hey you two!"

"Hi Mr. Howell," I laughed, enjoying the fatherly embrace I hadn't felt in years.

"Dad," Dan's voice was muffled in his Dad's shirt, "When did you get here?"

"A few hours ago," He replied, releasing the both of us, "I would have come said hi earlier but I had some files I needed to drive down to the office, then Mary asked me to make some copies for her, then I had to go to the library because our copier wasn't—You don't care about that, do you?"

Dan shook his head.

"Well in that case, what have _you_ been up to?"

The boy shrugged, leading us into the kitchen and taking a seat at the table, "Nothing, really."

Sitting next to my boyfriend, I smiled knowingly at the annoyed look on Mr. Howell's face.

"Nothing? Not breathing? Not eating or drinking? Not even existing?"

Dan sighed wearily in response, giving his dad a tired stare.

"Teenagers these days, you can't hold a conversation with them for more than a minute!" Mrs. Howell laughed, setting steaming plates of a delicious looking casserole in front of us before taking a seat as well.

"Oh, I know! I haven't had a full conversation with my beloved son since he was twelve," Although sometimes, if I'm lucky, I manage to get a few grunt-like noises out of him," Mr. Howell continued with a woeful expression.

I began to snicker, but bit my tongue when Dan shot me a glare.

"What about you, Phil, how have _you_ been?" Mr. Howell asked, turning to look at me, "And I want an honest answer, none of that _'I'm fine'_ B.S. like _someone-_ " Mr. Howell glared at his son, "—gives me…"

Dan rolled his eyes at his dad, but was smiling nonetheless.

"Well," I thought for a moment, "I'm getting better. I mean I still have a few mental illness issues, but since things in my family have gotten sorted out I've been a lot happier," Dan smiled, grabbing my hand under the table and giving it a comforting squeeze.

"That's great, sweetie!" Mrs. Howell added. The smile she had on her face was one of pure, motherly admiration and I absolutely adored it.

"Very great!" Dan's dad agreed. His eyes briefly drifted over to Dan, a mischievous smirk creeping onto his face, "And uh, what about this one, is he treating you well?"

Dan shot his Dad an evil look, stabbing his casserole with a fork.

Laughing, I responded with: "Oh yes sir, very much so."

"But not _too_ well, _right?_ " He asked, clearly implying something

"Dad!" Dan's face had gone pink.

I laughed nervously, sure that I was a similar color.

"I'm just saying," He pointed out, wiping off his mouth, "I'm not here all the time and sometimes your mum works late…"

My blush deepened and Dan covered his face with his hands, "D-Dad, _please,_ "

"I was a teenager too once!"

"Now Jared," Mrs. Howell said between laughs, "you've tortured the poor boys enough!"

"Agreed," I muttered, thankful for the conversation to come to an end.

"Oh fine. I'm sorry," he chuckled, "you're just so fun to pick on, Dan."

"Shut up…" Dan grumbled, hiding his face in his palms.

 ** _~Later that night~_**

Something most people with a mental illness will understand is that even if you feel okay for months, you still have those moments where it all comes back.

 ** _"Don't you think it gets annoying? The Howells are probably getting tired of having another mouth to feed, it's only a matter of time before they kick you out."'_**

 _"No," I tried to reassure myself, "Dan wouldn't let them do that."_

 ** _"But would he though? Maybe he's getting tired of you too, what if he's realizing you aren't the person he thought you were when you started dating?"_**

 _"It doesn't work like that…"_ I did my best to stay positive.

 ** _"Why did he even fall for you in the first place? You're not that attractive or talented…Maybe he just thought you would be easy?"_**

Pushing my anxieties aside, I grabbed my phone,

 ** _"There you go again, dragging Dan down with you."_**

I opened up my messages, selecting on Dan's contact.

 ** _"He's probably already asleep, don't bother him with your problems. His love for you is shaky as it is."_**

" _Hey, u awake?"_ Despite the voices in my head, I pressed send. I waited less than a minute before getting a response.

 _"Yeah, y?"_

 _"I don't want to be alone"_

I didn't receive a text back this time.

 **"** ** _See, no one wants to deal with you, annoying piece of sh—"_**

My thoughts were interrupted by the creak of my bedroom door swinging open.

"Hey," I was greeted by Dan's silhouette as he lay down next to me.

"Hi," Relief flooded though me as I rolled over, wrapping my arms around Dan and greeting him with a kiss. His lips were soft and warm against my own, a comforting anchor in the icy storm of my own thoughts.

"Is there anything I can do?" He asked, scooting closer to me.

I smiled softly, wondering what I had done to deserve someone like Dan. "Just stay here with me."

I felt Dan nod, his hair gently brushing my collarbone. "Of course."

Already feeling a bit better, I wound my arms around his waist, pulling him close to me. He rested his forehead against my own, pressing a soft kiss to my nose.

"Dan, you still love me, right?"

"Phil," Dan sighed, cupping my cheek "I have fallen harder for you than I would have ever thought possible. I know it didn't seem like it, but even in the very beginning I couldn't get you out of my head."

I thought back to the rude, arrogant Dan I used to know, thankful that he had changed for the better.

"The common idea is that the longer you're with someone the less interest you take in them, but that is hardly the case with you. With _us_. Every day I fall more and more in love with you," Dan's smile was barely visible in the darkness, "There is nothing on this Earth that can compare to the feeling of your arms around my waist or your lips on my own; nothing feels as homely and comforting as your hand in mine," Dan intertwined our fingers, squeezing my hand gently, "Although I would hardly call myself religious, I would argue that lying here with you is the closest I will ever get to a heaven on Earth. And if this actually _is_ the only heaven I'll ever know, both before and after death, I'm okay with that. Because honestly, there is no where I'd rather be than right here, right now, with you."

"Dan," my voice was barely a whisper as I was brought close to tears. How the hell had I gotten so lucky?

"So yes, to answer your question," Dan ran his thumb over my cheekbone, "I do still love you, and that will _never_ change,"

Unable to find words that could compare with his, I pressed my lips firmly to Dan's, wrapping him in a tight embrace and pulling him closer until there was almost no room between the two of us. He ran a hand though my hair, combing it away from my face gently.

We remained intertwined for God knows how long before finally pulling away for the sake of oxygen. "I love you too," I whispered, pressing another quick kiss to his lips.

Dan laughed softly, his breath brushing my cheek, "I wouldn't have it any other way."

 **A/N: THIS IS SUPER CLOSE TO BEING OVER AND IDK IF I'M READY OR NOT UHG**

 **ALSO I POSTED A Q &A THING SO LOOK AT THE NEXT CHAPTER**

 **Also y'all should go check out my other fic** ** _Write_** **because I'm gonna primarily focus on that one after I wrap this up.**


	39. Chapter 36

**A/N: I had such a hard time writing this chapter? If it sucks at least you'll know why lmao**

 **Also, i made a new story called Blossom! It's a punk!phil pastel!dan AU and you should go check it out *finger guns***

 **Dan's POV**

"Hey assholes," Val greeted me and Phil at our lockers. Leave it to her to make an entrance.

"Hey Val," Phil laughed.

Alec walked up beside me, casting a friendly smile towards Phil, but only a nervous glance in my direction. He had been acting kind of odd lately, he always seemed on edge…

"So I don't have dance planning for the first time in like, forever, wanna meet up at the café after school?" Despite it being early in the morning, Val was bouncing lightly on her toes, seemingly unable to stand still.

"Yeah, sure. I don't think we have anything else planned?" I glanced at Phil to see if he would correct me, but he just shrugged.

"Great!" Her eyes lit up as she brushed her pink hair out of her eyes. "See ya there!"

Before either of us could respond, she grabbed Alec by the wrist and pulled him down the hall.

I stared after my friends' receding figures before turning towards Phil. "How is it possible for two siblings to be so different?"

Phil shrugged, closing his locker door. "I have no idea."

 **Phil's POV**

Thankfully, the school day passed by quickly. Before I knew it, I was walking next to Dan, Val, and Alec on the way to the café.

"…So after like, five years of debating—well, arguing is probably a better term—we decided to stick with the starry night theme. Thank God we didn't have to do Hawaiian, I think I actually would have dropped out of school." Val finished her long rant about the dance, sighing dramatically.

"I d-don't blame y-you," Alec agreed. "Hawaiian is k-kinda cheesy."

Dan and I murmured words of agreement but went practically unnoticed as Val began another long-winded story. This time, however, she only got a little ways in before getting cut off.

"So then I looked that hoe in the eye and I said—"

"Oi!" The four of us turned around to see a large, angry man walking towards us.

"This can't be good…" I heard Dan mumble under his breath.

The giant stopped a few feet behind us, shooting Dan and I a nasty glare. "Do ya' mind doin' that in private? Faggots…"

I stared in disbelief at the man. I had experiences with homophobic people before but I had never met someone so public about it.

"Sorry sir," Dan began mockingly, "but what exactly is it that we're doing?"

"Bein' all gay in public!" He motioned wildly to our intertwined hands.

"Oh, so they can't hold hands in public but they—" Val motioned to a straight couple sitting on a nearby bench who were having an intense make-out session, "can eat each other's faces off?

"Well yeah, but bein' straight isn't a sin, see? I wouldn't expect a couple a queers like you to get that. Yer not right in the head, none of ya'!"

Dan's grip on my hand was steadily getting tighter. I had never been quick to anger, but Dan on the other hand…

"Is that what you think? Yeah well why don't you take your opinions and shove them up your asshole you fu—"

"What he means to say," I interrupted Dan, earning myself an annoyed pout, "is that if you think we will stop loving each other because of a homophobe such as yourself, you are sadly mistaken."

By this point, a small crowd of bystanders had gathered to see what was happening.

The man gave a disgusted grunt. "Leviticus 18:22 says, 'You shall not lie with a male as with a woman, it—"

"You, therefore, have no excuse," I interrupted him, "you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because who you pass judgment do the same things."

The man looked at me in confusion, a nasty snarl creeping onto his face. "The 'ell kinda talk is that?"

"Romans 2:1" I answered coolly, trying to hide my shaking hands, "Something you would know if you were the devout Christian you make yourself out to be."

"Why you bastard…" The burly man began walking towards us, his hands clenched into fists.

"C-come o-on guys, l-let's g-go!" Alec piped up for the first time in a while, his voice trembling with fear.

"No, you know what?" Dan stepped forward, his face shaded red with rage, "if this dick-bag wants to fight us, let him!" Dan turned to face the man. "We'll see who gets in more trouble with the police, the scrawny, unarmed teenager, or the tall, heavy-set adult."

"Why you little..." The man's face had turned bright pink, and a vein in his neck seemed ready to burst, "Go to hell!"

Dan grinned, responding in his best stereotypical gay voice. "Planning on it, baby!" To top off his act, he reached over and grabbed my ass.

I was honestly surprised the stranger didn't implode right then and there.

"Dan!" I hissed, my face heating up.

"What?" Dan asked innocently, "He already accused us of showing too much PDA, we might as well live up to it." His innocent smile turned into a smirk as he grabbed my hand and pressed a kiss to my knuckles.

Grumbling furiously to himself, the homophobe turned on his heel and walked off.

I thought the situation was over with, but I was wrong.

Dan stepped forward, now addressing the crowd, "Anyone else have a problem with me and my boyfriend? Not that I really give a damn if you do, but I figure we might as well get it out of the way while we're all here!"

"Dan, stop. You're causing a scene…" I warned Dan quietly, grabbing his hand and trying to pull him away.

"What, no one? Surprising, considering how many Londoners seem to have their heads lodged so far up their—"

As this point, I had lost all my patience with Dan. "That's enough. Let's go," I grabbed him by the wrist, pulling him away from the crowd.

"Why are you mad at me? They were the ones sticking their heads in our business!" Dan glared up at me.

"No, that was just that one guy. There was no reason for you to create more of an ordeal of it than we were already causing. It's embarrassing, having to drag my shouting boyfriend away from a crowd."

Dan looked down at his feet, not responding.

We continued our walk to the café in silence, Alec and Val walking a few steps behind us, talking in hushed voices.

Dan was no more voluble in the restaurant than he was on the way there. He sat quietly as he tore pieces off of a napkin while the rest of us made small talk.

We were in the midst of a rather dull conversation about school when my phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out to read the text.

 _Val:_

 _Dan seems kinda bummed; maybe you should try talking to him?_

I looked up at Val, who gave me an encouraging smile before turning to Alec. "Hey, can you come outside with me for a minute? I think I saw a dog and I want to pet it."

Alec turned in confusion, straining to see out the window. "W-what? I don't see any d—oww!"

Val elbowed her brother in the stomach. "Outside, now."

"Okay, okay!" Alec grumbled as his sister yanked him out of our booth.

Once they had left the building, I turned to Dan. "You okay?"

Dan bit his lip, finally meeting my eyes. "I'm sorry I embarrassed you…"

"Baby," I pulled Dan into a hug, which he gladly accepted, "I'm not mad at you, okay? I'm just upset that any of that stuff had to happen in the first place, don't blame yourself."

Dan sighed into my shoulder, "But I still overreacted, I shouldn't have gotten so mad."

"It was the heat of the moment, you weren't thinking clear. The same thing could have happened to anyone, sweetie." I pulled out of the hug, taking his hands in mine. "Don't beat yourself up about it, okay?"

"Okay," Dan smiled softly, squeezing my hand, "I love you.

"I love you too," I responded, brushing his fringe away from his eyes and pulling him into a kiss.

I tried to keep the kiss short and sweet, but Dan seemed reluctant to pull away.

"Babe, we're in public," I laughed against his lips.

"I don't care," He whispered, reconnecting our mouths.

After a moment of consideration, I decided I didn't care either and melted into the kiss.

It wasn't long before we were interrupted.

"I take it you two made up?" Val asked, raising an eyebrow.

Dan and I quickly pulled away from each other, both blushing.

"Erm, yeah…" Dan laughed nervously

"Well, now that that's taken care of, can we go ahead and order? I'm starving!"

We all laughed in agreement as Val went to flag down a waiter

 **A/N: Ugh I feel like this is so rushed and bad**


	40. Chapter 37

**A/N: This is the _last chapter_ before the epilogue, wow. I thought it would be like two more but no this is it…**

 **WC: Roughly 3,000 (so like 2x longer than usual)**

 **Dan's POV**

I had spent the past five days taking the big end-of-year tests for all my classes. Needless to say, I was relieved when it was all over.

"Did you have that question about the two fish and the half-lives?" Val inquired, taking a large bite out of her apple.

"Mm!" Phil hummed, unable to speak due to his mouth full of food, "That was the worst!"

"Glad I didn't have it then," I grinned, "I forgot literally everything about half-lives."

Val was about to agree when a student walked over to the table, disrupting out conversation.

"Hey Alec, can I sit here?" I didn't recognize the boy, but I assumed he was in Alec's year.

"Y-yeah, sure!" Alec smiled up at the boy, scooting over.

Val gave us all a questioning glance. "Who's this?"

"L-Leo, he h-helped t-tutor me in maths," Alec smiled shyly, glancing at his friend.

Leo was a bit taller than Alec but far more muscular. He was rather attractive, with golden blonde hair and deep blue eyes. I hated to admit how jealous I was of his high cheekbones and sharp jawline.

"Leo, this is my sister, Val, and my friends, Dan and Phil."

"Nice to meet you all," Leo smiled.

We all muttered words of introduction, giving our new table member polite smiles.

"So um… you guys are coming to the dance tonight, right?" Val spoke up in an attempt to kill the awkward silence that had overcome us, "I mean not that I'm giving you a choice. I've been setting this up for weeks, if you're not coming willingly I will literally drag you here by your hair."

Leo was the only one who laughed; for he was the only one who didn't realize she was serious.

"Of course we're coming," Phil assured her, "We're all too scared not to."

"I'd hope so," Val said, then turning to Leo, "What about you, are you going?"

"Yeah!" The boy paused before adding, "I was hoping to go with Alec, actually."

Val's eyes widened, a series of emotions passing over her face. Alec, on the other hand, was blushing terribly.

"I m-mean I g-guess we c-can go as f-friends…" The young boy muttered, staring down at his hands.

"Great!" Leo exclaimed, beaming, "What about you guys, do you have dates?"

"Well I have Phil, but Val is going stag" I explained slowly, still taken aback by what had just happened.

Val only rolled her eyes. "I don't have time for a date, I literally have to manage the whole thing! It's not like there's anyone I wanted to go with anyway."

"What, you don't want to be our third wheel? I asked, wrapping an arm around Phil's waist.

Val glared, flicking a piece of food at us.

"We're only kidding!" I laughed, "You're more than welcome to hang out with us at the dance."

Our pink haired friend went to make a witty remark but was silenced by the lunch bell.

"It's hard to believe the year is almost over," I mused as we departed from our friends.

Phil nodded. "I know! So much has happened. I feel like the beginning of the school year was eons ago."

"Tell me about it," I muttered, "Well, I'm on the other hall so I'll talk to you later, okay?" Phil nodded and I gave him a quick peck on the lips before hurrying off to my next period.

 **Phil's POV**

Seeing as it was the end of the year, most of my classes were pretty laid back. The periods I had with Val or Dan were fun seeing as we pretty much just talked for an hour, but I was in my last class of the day now, and neither of them was with me.

I had been mindlessly doodling in my notebook for roughly half the class when someone sat down in the seat next to me, _drawing_ me away from my masterpiece.

It was Anthony.

"Um, hi," I closed my notebook, watching him cautiously.

A few months ago I would have been anxious to be this close to my former bully, but Anthony hadn't been the same person since his brother died. In fact, I felt more surprised than anything.

"Hey," Anthony seemed to feel just as awkward as I did, "Whatcha drawing?"

"Oh um, nothing, really. Just doodling."

"Oh."

It was weird, making small talk with someone who used to torture me relentlessly.

"Did—Did you want something?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

Anthony sighed. "It's just getting close to the end of the year and I was thinking about everything and the way I used to treat people and—I don't know… I guess I just wanted to apologize."

I looked at him in surprise.

"I may not support you and Dan's… _relationship_ ," Anthony said the last bit with distaste, "But that isn't really a good reason to do everything I did."

"Then why _did_ you do it?" I asked, "Why me, of all people? It couldn't just because I knew your cousin."

Anthony shrugged. "You were an easy target. You were already dealing with a bunch of crap and your sexuality was the perfect excuse for me to target you."

I scoffed, shaking my head, "Wow, okay."

"Look, I know it's a really crap thing to do. And I just want you to know that I'm sorry. Whether you want to forgive me or not is up to you, but I'm not the same person as I was back then."

I sat in silence as Anthony got up and walked back over to his desk. While the boy's apology was less than sincere, I appreciated that he even bothered speaking up in the first place. I thought about what he said, _could_ I ever forgive him? Only time would tell.

With a sigh, I flipped back opened my notebook and continued doodling until the last bell of the day.

…

"Hey," Dan stepped next to me, pressing a quick kiss to my cheek and grabbing my hand.

"Hey," I replied.

"What time does the dance start again?" Dan asked as we walked off campus.

"8:00 to 11:00" I replied. The time had practically been wired into my brain since Val had repeated it so many times.

"Great. Mum is going to cook us a 'party dinner' as she called it before the dance. She thinks it's absolutely adorable that we're going together, so prepare for pictures."

I groaned. One thing I had learned about the Howells is that they _love_ their pictures. I'm not sure if it's just them or every family with an only child is like this, but they have more pictures of their kid than anyone I've ever met.

"I know," Dan laughed, squeezing my hand, "We should probably hurry home if we want to eat and get dressed while still leaving time for a full photo shoot.

I nodded. "Agreed."

…

Mrs. Howells' "party dinner" turned out to be a wide assortment of different finger foods. The table was covered in diverse dishes ranging from steaming hot chicken wings to cool, soft éclairs.

"This is amazing!" I exclaimed, taking my umpteenth pizza bite from its tray.

"I'm glad you like it, dear," Mrs. Howell smiled warmly at me.

That was something I loved about Dan's mum, she never failed to make you feel welcomed.

"Yah, everyfing is da-licious," Dan managed to mumble with a mouthful of food.

I stifled a laugh as his mother gave him a stern look and a lecture about proper etiquette.

"You know," Dan's father began, "as much as I enjoy picking on you, Dan, I really am happy you found someone like Phil,"

"I am too," Dan smiled over at me.

I blushed, looking down at the floor.

"Even if you two don't end up together forever, which—unlikely as it is—is very possible, it's good to have the bar set high for the future."

"That's right!" Mrs. Howell contributed, "If you don't have high standards you'll end up with a lazy slob like Jared. I guess that's what I get for marrying my high school sweetheart."

Dan and I snorted as Jared mocked offense, placing a hand over his heart. "Well if that's how you feel then I guess I'll just leave."

"Oh you know I'm only kidding!" Mrs. Howell smiled, turning towards Dan and myself. "Have you two both had enough to eat?"

We responded in synch. "Yes, ma'am."

"Good, now go put on your suits so we can take some pictures!"

Dan let out a loud groan. Trying to be polite, I only smiled wearily.

…

"You boys look so handsome!" Mrs. Howell exclaimed, taking what must be the fiftieth picture of the night.

While I had gone with the traditional black and white tux, Dan, being the extra person that he was, had picked out a black suit coat with a crimson floral pattern. At the time I had teased him about it, but I couldn't deny he looked absolutely stunning tonight.

Mr. Howell was standing off to the side, leaning against the wall, "I don't know…the one on the left looks a bit like a troll…"He motioned to Dan, who shot his father a nasty glare.

I snickered, earning a kick on the shin from my boyfriend.

"Oh Jared, Leave the poor boy alone!" Mrs. Howell tried her best to look angry, but the smile on her face was undeniable.

Ten pictures later, Dan was starting to get irritable "Mum, we _really_ need to get going!"

"Alright, alright!" Mrs. Howell put her camera on the table, reaching for her coat.

"You kids have fun!" Dan's dad gave a small wave from his place by the living room, "but not _too_ much fun."

Dan rolled his eyes in response, heading for the door, "Dad, it's a school dance chaperoned by half the staff, what do you think is going to happen?"

Mrs. Howell turned around, giving her son a stern look. "Daniel, watch the attitude."

"Yes, ma'am…"

Finally, we were out the door and on our way to the car.

 **Dan's POV**

Val and her decorating team had done a stunning job. The room was dimly lit by a silver disco ball, its thousands of little reflections creating starry-like projection on the ceiling.

Strings of fairy lights adorned every available surface, emitting a dreamy glow in the room. Large swatches of black and silver silk hung from the ceiling like drapes, and any space that wasn't being covered by an **hors d'oeuvres** table was filled with black and blue balloons to match

"This place looks amazing!" Phil exclaimed, looking around the room in awe.

"Thanks!"

We spun around to find Val standing behind us, but I almost didn't recognize her. Her usual dark makeup had been replaced with a look you might find on an Instagram page. She was wearing a navy blue dress with a silky hi-lo skirt and matching blue heels. Her previously pink hair had been dyed a light silver color and was pulled up into a messy bun. To top it all off, she was wearing a diamond choker with matching earrings.

"You look beautiful!" Phil exclaimed

I nodded in agreement. "I never really took you for a dress person."

She shrugged. "Everyone likes dressing up every once in a while."

"Well when you _do_ dress up, you do it well," I grinned, poking her in the cheek.

She swatted my hand away, smiling bashfully. "As much as I'd like to stay and chat, I really need to help with the music and food and stuff," She gave us an apologetic smile, waving goodbye. "Have fun you two!"

Before we could say anything else, she had disappeared into the crowd.

"So what now?" Phil asked, his hands stuffed awkwardly in his pockets.

"Maybe we could try and find Alec and Leo?"

"I already found them," He said, a playful smile on his face. "I think they're a bit… _preoccupied._ " Phil pointed in the direction of the two boys.

The duo was standing in a corner away from the rest of the crowd. Leo's hands were wrapped securely around Alec, and their mouths were pressed firmly together.

"I always knew he was gay," I confessed, pleased that I had been correct

Phil laughed. "I second that."

We were debating whether or not we should go say hello when the upbeat music switched to a much slower song. The couples around us began dancing, swaying melodically to the beat.

I looked up at Phil, holding out my hand. "Care to dance?"

Phil smiled, taking my hand in his and pulling me close. He placed his hands on my waist as I brought mine to the back of his neck. Neither one of us were exceptionally good dancers, so we simply rocked back and forth to the beat, taking a few steps here and there.

"It's been quite a year," Phil sighed softly, gazing down into my eyes.

I chuckled, "That's one way to put it."

"If someone told me we'd be slow dancing at the formal dance ten months ago, I'd think they lost their mind," Phil's eyes went out of focus, a telltale sign he was reminiscing on the past.

"I don't blame you," I muttered guiltily, "I'm not exactly 'boyfriend of the year' material…"

"Hey," Phil hooked a finger under my chin, urging me to look up at him, "you're a different person now. You're nice and considerate; you don't hang out with the wrong sorts of people for popularity."

I shrugged. "I guess…"

"You guess? I need you to be sure. You're lovely, Dan. Since we started dating, you've always been there for me. I need you to understand that the past is the past. You had your reasons for doing what you did—"

"They weren't good reasons," I muttered.

Phil chuckled, "True, but we all make mistakes," He pulled me a bit closer, his face softening, "I forgave you a long time ago, baby, but what about you? Have you ever forgiven yourself?"

The question took me by surprise. Although I didn't beat myself up over the person I used to be, I was never really comfortable with him. "I—I don't think so…"

"Then please, move on. For the sake of both of us, let go of the past," Phil was looking at me yearningly as if searching for some sign I was taking his speech to heart.

I bit my lip, thinking over the situation. Finally, I looked up into his eyes. "I will. Or at least, I'll try to. I can't promise immediate results."

Phil's face split in an adoring grin and he leaned forward, placing a kiss on my forehead. "Thank you," I could feel his warm breath tickling the skin above my brow.

I smiled to myself, resting my head on his shoulder as we "danced."

We didn't speak for a while after that, we just held each other close, enjoying the company.

I had always thought it was rather silly when characters in books made a big deal about the way their significant other smelled, but I could kind of understand now; there was something so homey and comforting about the musky scent of Phil's cologne and the fruity undertone of his shampoo. With this in mind, I inhaled deeply, hoping Phil wouldn't notice I was trying to smell him.

Despite my attempted discreetness, I think he caught on. Phil laughed quietly, pulling me closer. "I love you so much."

I smiled, pressing a kiss to his jaw. "I love you more."

"Oh don't you start that with me," I could feel his chest against my own, rising and falling with laughter.

"Phil?"

"Mhm?"

"I think you're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

Phil went still; even his breathing seemed to stop.

"Phil?" I pushed him away and was shocked to see tears welling in his eyes, "Baby, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry. I'm fine, it's just—" Phil's voice cracked, "Seven months ago, I wanted to die. My life was horrible: I had no friends or family that cared for me, I was getting beaten up daily, I had no hope left. Then, after I attempted, you stopped hanging out with Anthony and you changed. You went from some basic douche bag to one of the sweetest, most loving people I've ever met. Then we started dating and I moved in and I met your parents... Having someone there for me it just—it made everything _so_ much easier. At my weakest moments, I didn't relapse; I didn't have to. I just walked a few steps down the hall to your room and talked to you. I don't think you realize how much that helped me, those long nights where you would have to hold me until I stopped crying and fell asleep. I couldn't have gotten through all this without you, Dan. So thank you. Thank you for being my rock, for keeping my spirits high when I wanted to quit, for helping to fix me."

I didn't realize my eyes were watering until Phil reached out to brush a tear from my cheek. "Phil…" Standing on my tiptoes, I met his mouth with my own. The warm feeling of his lips against mine was intoxicating; his hair like silk between my fingers.

Phil broke the kiss long enough to whisper an " _I love you_ ," then hastily reconnected our lips.

It doesn't matter if it's a week or fifty years; his hands on my hips won't ever lose their security, the way he smells will never fade, his kiss will never grow cold, nor will his eyes ever be anything less than breathtaking. It was right now I realized that I seriously want to spend the rest of my life with Phil. I want to finish school before making any big life choices, but when the time comes, I'm ready.

For the first time in a while, I wasn't scared of the future. I wasn't stressing about how old I would live to be or what I would do with my life. I guess that's just how love works; you find this amazing person and suddenly growing old doesn't seem as scary as it used to. You're no longer in it alone, you have someone to hold your hand on the journey. And somehow, out of everyone in the world (both boys and girls, mind you), I ended up with one of the best people to ever exist:

 _Phil Lester._

 ** _A/N: wow. That was long._**

 ** _While this is the end, there is still the epilogue and Q &A answers so look forward to that! ^.^_**

 ** _After writing this for so long it feels weird to be wrapping it up..._**

 **Also, I would like to point out that you don't have to depend on someone to get better. While Dan played a major part in Phil's recovery, Phil was the one with the strength to do that, Dan was just supporting him. I just wanted to make that clear :)**


	41. Q&A Answers

**A/N: I didn't get as many questions as I'd like so I did add a few of my own (lame, I know) because I thought this would be a cool way to celebrate the book coming to an end.**

 **If you think of a question you want answered that's not on here, simply leave it in the comments and I'll respond :)**

 **DAN**

Q: _What are your feelings towards Alec?_

A: He's a great friend, and super sweet. Even before I knew him well I felt like I could trust and depend on him.

Q: _If you could have three wishes, what would they be?_

A: Probably for Phil to be cured of all mental health problems, a dog with the lifespan of a human, and to find a job that is both fun and pays well because let's be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life lmao help.

Q: _Better not break Phil's heart or I'll crush you_

A: I wouldn't dream of it.

Q: _YOU'RE SO CUTE AAAHHHH! Also, What are you planning to do about Phil's depression?_

A: Aha thank you! ^.^ And there's really not much I can do. He seems to be doing a lot better now, but if it ever comes back I will be sure that he gets proper medical care and that I'm there for him when he needs me.

Q: _Are you the little spoon?_

A: Typically, yeah. Sometimes if Phil is really upset and needs comforting we might switch, but aside from that, I am.

Q: _How did you know you were in love?_

A: It's not exactly the most romantic story, but one day Phil and I were having a scary movie marathon. At one point there was a particularly bad jump scare and we both reached for each other at the same time–and accidentally smashed our heads together. As we were both laughing and complaining about how much pain we were in, I just kinda realized how much I enjoyed the silly little moments like this with Phil, and that I never wanted them to end. I had known I loved Phil for a long time, but I didn't know I was _in_ love with him until then.

 **PHIL**

Q: _How would you feel if Dan liked Alec back?_

A: First I would probably be surprised, but after it sunk in I would be devastated. I've never cared about someone so much, so if I found out they didn't feel all that back…gosh, I can't imagine.

Q: _How did you know you were in love?_

A: One night when my depression was particularly bad I had gone into Dan's room to sleep. I was a mess. I was exhausted and I couldn't stop crying. I could tell Dan was tired too, so I expected for him to just hold me while he slept— which would have been fine—but he didn't. He stayed awake, stroking my hair and talking to me softly until I stopped crying and fell asleep. It was the next morning that I realized not only how much Dan cared about me, but how much I cared about him as well. The funny thing is that I had felt this strongly about him for a while, but I hadn't realized it yet.

Q: _If you could dye your hair any color, what would it be?_

A: Probably silver. Then again, I'm super pale so I'd probably look like a ghost. Wait, that would actually be really cool… So yeah, silver!

Q: _Are you the big spoon?_

A: Yes! Dan is so small and adorable I love it.

Q: _Hi, how are you doing today? I hope you are well because you are an actual angel and amazing_

A: Aww, you're too sweet! I'm great, thanks! How about you?

 **MR. HOWELL**

Q: _What's your favorite animal?_

A: I really like giraffes!

 **MRS. HOWELL**

Q: _Do you ship Phan?_

A: Most defiantly! I have my fingers that they'll get married!

Q: _How long did you know Dan was bi?_

A: Oh since he was around twelve. Mothers just have a sixths sense sometimes.

 **MRS. LESTER**

Q: _How did you manage to raise such a smol amazing bean?_

A: I don't know, really…Phil has always been a naturally good person.

 **MR. LESTER**

Q: _Are you just sad, is that why you hurt Phil?_

A: The death of my sister mixed with alcohol made me a person I never thought I would become.

 **ANTHONY AND FRIENDS**

Q: _Why did you bully Phil?_

A: He was just such an easy target. While I'd never admit it out loud, putting people down does actually make me feel better about myself. Yes, I'm the stereotypical bully.

 **AMANDA**

Q: _Why do you want to ruin Phil's life?_

A: I honestly couldn't care less about Phil and whether I "ruin his life" or not, everything that I did was because I wanted Dan.

Q: _Are you going to try to get Dan again?_

A: Probably not, I don't really feel like going through that much trouble for someone I'd probably sleep with like, once.

 **VAL**

Q: _Who's your crush? You're a teenager; you have to have a crush!_

A: Love is overrated, to be honest. I guess there are a few hot upperclassmen, but there isn't really anyone I actually like for their looks and personality.

Q: _Why shade of pink is your hair?_

A: Bubblegum pink! Think pastel and neon.

Q: _How do you feel about Alec being gay?_

A: I saw it coming tbh. I'm fine with it, as long as he's happy.

 **ALEC**

Q: _Marry me?_

A: Well I-I was k-k-kinda hoping to um marry L-Leo but um maybe we could b-be f-friends?

Q: _Do you promise not to get between Dan and Phil?_

A: Of c-course! I'm t-too close to t-the both of th-them to ever even t-think about it! Besides, I-I have someone else now…

Q: _Any other boys [besides Dan] you fancy?_

A: Just one… ( Leo)

Q: _Are you happy?_

A: Quite, ac-actually.

Q: _Favorite food?_

A: Lemon cake, m-my mum used t-to make it all the t-time.

Q: _After meeting Leo, do you still like Dan?_

A: Not really, i-if I'm being h-honest. I th-thought Dan was c-cute and sweet but I knew i-t would never actually happen.

 **AUTHOR**

Q: _I'm stuck in the Hamilton fandom, how do I escape._

A: You **_don't_**.

Q: _Why did you write this story?_

A: I had been reading a lot of stereotypical high school AUs and I really liked them so I was like "why not write one myself?" I had also become pretty interested in writing, so I figured it would be good practice.

Q: _If you could go back in time and change one thing about the story, what would it be?_

A: I would plan it out. I've been winging it for the past year and a half. See, I made a list of main events I want to happen in my other fanfics, but I didn't do that for this one. Half the time what happened in a chapter was a spur-of-the-moment thing.

Because of this, this fic is a bit messy around the edges, but I still like it.

Q: _How do you feel about finishing this story?_

A: Relieved. While this was fun to write, I think it's time to bring it to an end so I can use my new experience to start more (and hopefully better) fics.

 **A/N: Stay tuned for the epilogue!**


	42. Epilogue

**A/N: This is it, the last chapter.**

 **I'm pleased to say that between and wattpad, this story has gotten over** ** _100k_** **views, 4.2k votes, and 7.8k comments!**

 **Also, this story is around 60k words long, meaning that it qualifies as a novel. I pretty much wrote a novel at the age of 15 hOW COOL IS THAT?!**

 **Now, for the final chapter of** ** _Fix Me:_**

 **Ten years later, Phil's POV**

It was a pleasant Day in the Lester flat. Rays of sun shone through the windows, giving the room a cheery glow.

Dan and I were cuddled up together on the couch, going through an old box of photos Mrs. Howell had dropped off.

"Oh my gosh, look how young we were!" Dan exclaimed, holding a photograph of us at our high school dance, "We look like bloody fetuses!"

"Please don't ever say 'bloody fetus' again," I plucked the photo out of his hand, examining it.

Dan was right; we almost looked like different people. Dan's fringe was much shorter now, partly due to the fact it was always curly. Both of us had grown a few inches as well; Dan was the same height as me now.

"You looked so emo" Dan pointed to my long, dark fringe.

"I _was_ emo." I laughed, dropping the picture back in the box.

Much had changed in the past decade, and not just our hairstyles.

Being the high school sweethearts that we were, Dan and I had gotten married only three months after graduating. Unsurprisingly, we were told by many people to wait until after we graduated from university—Dan's parent's included—but we were both too impatient.

It was a small wedding, close friends and family only. My mum managed to get a few days off of work to come and visit, which was especially nice.

We decide not to have a honeymoon. Instead, we spent our extra cash on something a bit more permeant: an apartment.

It was shortly after moving in that we realized one of us needed a _real_ job, not the small tasks we had been picking up here and there. And so I went to university to pursue a career.

Four years later, I had graduated with a degree in graphic design and found a job making video games.

Dan, on the other hand, didn't know what he wanted to do. He had teetered between majoring in either coding or photography for months before finally deciding not to go to college at all.

Shortly after his quarter-life crisis, he got a job writing for an online blog about problems in today's society and how we can fix them. The pay was low, but between our careers it was enough to get by.

"Have you talked to Alec and Leo recently?" Dan asked, resting his head on my chest.

"Not since last week," I pulled another stack of photos out of the box, "They're so busy wedding planning that they haven't had time to catch up."

Dan chuckled. "I know the feeling."

I was about to switch topics when a memory popped up in the back of my head, something I hadn't thought about in a long time.

"Hey, Dan?"

"Mhm?"

"Did you know Alec used to have a crush on you?"

Dan pushed himself up, looking down at me in surprise. "He did?"

"Yeah, he was pretty embarrassed about it too," I laughed, reaching up to brush the hair out of his eyes.

"How did _you_ know about this?" Dan inquired, seemingly flabbergasted.

"Seeing as we were dating at the time, he felt pretty bad about liking his friend's boyfriend, so he fessed up one day when we were hanging out."

Dan laughed softly. "Wow…I guess his feelings disappeared after Leo came into the picture?"

"I assumed so."

Dan laid back down on my chest, and we continued browsing through photos.

"Do you think Val will ever settle down?" I smiled down at a glossy photo of our friend.

Val had changed more than any of us. She had gone through a pretty wild phase in her senior year of high school; she even got in trouble with the law once or twice. It was never anything too serious, usually just disturbing the peace with one of her parties or something like that.

I don't know what changed in her, but after she left for S.C.A.D. (Savannah College of Art and Design), she cleaned up her act. She was still the spunky, live-in-the-moment kind of girl I knew in school, but she had matured. She didn't dye her hair bright colors anymore; she usually kept it a silvery-brown. Her clothing style had morphed from edgy to classy, and she was rarely seen without four inch heels on. This was something I found rather unfortunate considering how many times she had nearly broken one of my toes with them. (Not on accident, either!)

After graduating college and returning to England, she started working with a fashion company and even started her own clothing line. She was undoubtedly the most successful out of the four of us. However, her love life was a different story.

In fact, she hadn't been romantically involved with anyone since high school; not unless you count the occasional one-night-stand.

"I don't know," Dan muttered, twisting his wedding band around his ring finger, "She's juts so involved with work, she doesn't think about things like that."

"I guess so," I dropped my stack of pictures back in the box, and was about to close the lid, when one caught my eye.

It was a photo of Dan an I curled up together on a couch— in a position almost identical to the one we laid in now—both fast asleep.

"Look," I held the photograph where Dan could see it.

He smiled at the photo. "When was that?"

"Val's nineteenth birthday party, remember? We spent the night at her house."

"Oh yeah, that was a fun night…"

"I'm surprised you remembered anything from it considering how wasted you got," I grinned, poking Dan in the side.

"Oh please," Dan swatted my hand away, " I wasn't _that_ drunk!"

I raised an eyebrow, "You bent a paperclip into a circle, _proposed,_ and then started crying when I told you not yet."

Dan looked up at me in shock. "And why the hell did I never hear about this?"

I shrugged, "Never came up in conversation, I guess."

Dan rolled his eyes, reclining onto my torso. "I don't know why I put up with you…"

I laughed mirthfully, "Well, I _am_ pretty incredible."

"Yeah, incredibly annoying.."

"Oh shut up!"

Dan pushed himself up, leaning forward so he was only an inch or so away from my face. " _Make me_."

I grinned, shaking my head. "Really Dan, that's all you could think of?"

Dan shrugged innocently. "I mean it worked, didn't it?"

Rolling my eyes, I placed my hand of the side of Dan's jaw, pulling him into a kiss.

Although ten years had passed since Dan and I met, his kiss was something that would always stay the same. I slid my hands around his waist, pulling him closer to me.

"I'm so glad I married you," Dan muttered, biting his lip in a grin."

I smiled lovingly at my husband. "As am I, Dan Lester."

Still sleepy from staying up late, Dan cuddled up to me, burying his face in my chest.

..

I was starting to think that Dan had fallen asleep until he spoke up. "Phil?

"Hm?"

"Thank you,"

I looked down at Dan in confusion. "For what?"

"I became a better person after meeting you," He muttered drowsily.

"Yeah, I guess you were a bit of a douche before…"

Dan gave a dry laugh, "I was, wasn't I? But seriously, thank you. You always go on and on about how I made your life so much better but I feel like I really need to emphasize the impact you've had on me. I had changed for the worst in the years leading up to when I met you. I drifted away from my family and my _real_ friends, I bullied people for the fun of it, I hooked up with different girls pretty much every weekend. Hell, I didn't even like having sex with them, I just enjoyed the feeling of popularity it gave me."

"Dan…" I stroked back his hair, gently twisting the curls around my finger, "You're a much better person now."

"I know, and it's all thanks to you," Dan smiled, intertwining our fingers.

"You fixed me."

 _The end_

 **A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who has read, commented, or voted on this fanfiction. Without readers, this would literally just be a word document.**

 **I hope you enjoyed reading this, because I sure enjoyed writing it.**

 **I do have some more fanfics I'm going to be working on, so you can go follow me and look at those if you want! (#spon lmao)**

 **It would be a lie to say I'm 100% happy with this story, particularly the earlier chapters. Maybe one day I'll go back and edit them. There wouldn't be any drastic changes, just some grammar/spelling corrections and maybe adding some time skips between chapters so they don't fall in love in two days lmao.**

 **I don't think there will be anything as satisfying as clicking the "complete" button in the story setting oml. This has been such a cool experience, writing this, and I love seeing all of y'all's comments! (Though I will admit it's a bit depressing to have a line like "I want death" and getting 153 comments saying "Same")**

 **Quick question, does anyone who started this when I first began uploading still read it? That would be cool**

 **I could literally go on for the length of a full chapter just talking about how happy I am that this book ended up being successful, but I'll stop here.**

 **Also, if anyone wants to be friends, shoot me a DM :)**

 **Once again, thank you, and I hope you all have a lovely day.**

 **P.S: Shout out to everyone who read this super long author's note, you're the real MVP *fist bumps you all***

 ** _-dils_whisk_**


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